Here we go again

I've debated whether or not to write here again. I truly lack the time and energy, but not the fear of putting myself back out there again. My motivation right now, though, is guilt...guilt that as much as I documented my pregnancy with Asher, I've said virtually nothing about this baby currently growing in my belly. What kind of a mother am I? Do I want this baby less?

No. I will say, though, that it all still seems surreal, and I find myself sometimes forgetting I'm pregnant...that is, until I barf again.

Let me back up.

I added a new page to this blog to document our infertility journey. I didn't have it written down anywhere in a single location. You can find the page in my blog menu.

Paul and I are so over the moon with Asher, but we never wanted to be a family of just three. However, my struggles with postpartumm anxiety turned plain ol' anxiety really made me second guess the idea of trying again. We finally decided to take the leap in August 2015 through donor egg IVF. The process took longer than we'd hoped, with scheduling pre-cycle tests, selecting a donor, pulling together the funds, and having another hysteroscopy to remove polyps. Finally, in December, it was time to start meds. Given we chose to use an anonymous frozen donor egg program, the guaranteed two healthy blastocysts that were created were frozen when they reached Day 5, so I could do my meds relatively stress-free, without having to worry about timing my uterine lining and hormones with embryo growth. It was crazy easy compared to what we'd gone through in the past. On transfer day, we transferred on fully hatched, perfect Day 6 blast. Five days later, I had an unbelievably faint BFP, one that barely progressed in darkness over the next several days. Betas confirmed a nice, sticky pregnancy, and our first ultrasound showed one embryo with a heartbeat.

This first trimester has been painfully long for me, although Paul says it's gone by fast. Today, I am 13 weeks 4 days pregnant. Baby is the size of a peach. I've been in maternity clothes since 10 weeks 3 days, and started feeling baby move at 11.5 weeks. I have been really sick again this time, throwing up more in the last week than ever, and definitely more than I did with Asher. Frankly, I've been miserable, and not terribly grateful most days. I actually had to miss Asher's first public Easter egg hunt last weekend because I was home throwing up. Good times. It's bad enough that I'm fairly positive that I will not do this again. Our one remaining embryo - while we hope/plan to not have to make a choice as to its fate until this child is 12 months old and the risk of SIDS is super low - will likely not make it into my uterus. I just can't fathom having a fourth first trimester filled with all day morning sickness...and worry.

This weekend I'll reach the same gestation as I was when Aliya's water broke. My anxiety level has ratcheted up significantly as the weekend approaches. I'm using my home Doppler daily to make sure my little passenger is still with us...and kind of surprised to hear that galloping heartbeat each time. My OB sees me every two weeks, so I'll get to see baby again this week. At 16 weeks I'll start 17P shots and biweekly cervical length monitoring again, so that'll be my next milestone. After that, anatomy scan between 18-20 weeks, when we'll finally get to learn the sex of our fourth child.

For now, it's back to parenting our beautiful, funny, smart and active toddler boy and managing my nausea and vomiting.