October went by in a flash, and I'm glad. Being told I had to go on birth control pills for 21 days was crushing to me, and the physical experience has really sucked. It's been years (over 4 now, to be exact) since I've been on any type of birth control, but probably closer to 10 since I was last on the Pill, and hoo boy, do I hope I never have to do this again. I shudder to think what they're doing to me hormonally, since I've gained several pounds (mostly bloat) and have been forced to wear my Bella Band to keep my unfastened pants up where they belong; my face has been pimply and weird; I'm irritable and easily annoyed; and worse, I've been spotting or lightly bleeding daily for the last 11 days. (At least, perhaps, the latter will help me get over the fear of seeing blood, which haunted me throughout my pregnancy, and, of course, after our loss.) The good news is I take my last pill on Tuesday morning. Sometime later in the week I'll go in for another baseline ultrasound, except that my only purpose for doing that is to make sure that cyst is gone so that we can proceed with trying again (and I can avoid surgical removal of it). I frankly won't be surprised if it's still there, because I've felt ovary "twinges," or little pains like ovulation pain, the past week, when I'm pretty sure I should be feeling nothing of the sort. Figures, but we'll see.
Despite experiencing several more ups and downs with my emotions, I do think I feel ready to be pregnant again. Two darling couples we've met through our support groups are both expecting their first rainbows after full-term stillbirths, and in the last month I've found myself a tiny bit jealous of their milestones, such as having to wear maternity pants and getting to week 13. I take that to mean that I *am* more ready, which gives me hope. I was so worried after my meltdown with last month's chemical pregnancy that my body wouldn't be a proper zen vessel to carry a little life in, so I started acupuncture treatments at a community clinic in Olympia, just minutes from work. I've had four treatments so far and really like it. The practitioner wants to see me twice a week for four weeks, so I'm halfway through with that. If nothing else, it gives me a little time to relax in a dim place, listening to beautiful music. (Many IVF clinics require acupuncture treatments between egg retrieval and embryo transfer, so there must be something to it, right?)
So, for now, it's one day at a time, one experience at a time. First, finish the pills. Second, have another ultrasound. Third (hopefully), start charting my temps again in preparation for trying on our own once Paul returns from elk camp in a couple of weeks. If that doesn't work (and I almost hope it doesn't, because the shots feel like we're doing "more"), then refill my syringe prescriptions, bust into those Menopur vials and add more poke holes to my behind in December.
I'm with you, I am so glad October flew by although now that we are so close to December I am starting to panic...it's always something.
ReplyDeleteThat does suck to have to go on the pill, but it's one of those necessary evils...damnit!
And the jealousy thing is TOTALLY normal. I am even jeaous of people due the day before us (1 day)! It just feels like everyone is that much closer to getting a living baby, but for me I still doubt it is even possible for us. I don't think that ever goes away. I'm glad you feel more ready though, it's so damn hard and yet the chance at a living baby(ies) makes us jump right back in the game. Ugh.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place and know that once you get your "ticket" to Crazyland aka postive pregnancy test, you have a seat saved next to us on this crazy ride :)
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know it's difficult & I understand how you feel. I'm a rainbow baby (I'd never heard of the concept until I read your blog & realized I was one). My mother lost two herself before she had me (I'm the oldest of two & I have a younger brother). My mother has always referred to me as her sunshine. She recorded in my baby book at the time of my birth that she had initially really wanted a son, but that with the third attempt at having a baby, she found that she really didn't care what sex the baby (me) turned out to be as long as I was healthy. Having had 5 miscarriages & now being of an age where it is virtually set in stone that I will never have the chance of having a living child of my own, I find myself fascinated by mothers & children when I am out in public & yes, I am jealous of those with little ones. It's not something that I expect I will ever really get past, so don't be so hard on yourself, Amy. I'm sure everything you're going through, although it is difficult, is a normal part of the grieving process. That doesn't make it any easier, but please know that there are those who love & care for you & are in your corner rooting for you & Paul, waiting for the day when they can rejoice with you in your happiness of finally being able to bring a tiny new life into this world. :)
ReplyDeleteI've finally caught-up on your blog posts and I feel like I could have written every word. It was like reading my feelings exactly.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I lost our boy/girl twins at 20 weeks, I felt the pain of your delivery story and your ache to be pregnant again after IF and loss. I understand completely and am so glad you found my blog and left me a comment.
Besides us having fraternal twins, driving Forester's, and having stillbirths in the second trimester, we both live in Washington.
We are planning a FET cycle in January, as we needed three months to recover and start over. If we are lucky we could both me having October/November babies. And all the negativity of this time of year will turn into beauty. Alhough I know we will both be scared to death the whole way through.
I'm here for you and maybe we can help each other.
Alissa (MissConception)