October went by in a flash, and I'm glad. Being told I had to go on birth control pills for 21 days was crushing to me, and the physical experience has really sucked. It's been years (over 4 now, to be exact) since I've been on any type of birth control, but probably closer to 10 since I was last on the Pill, and hoo boy, do I hope I never have to do this again. I shudder to think what they're doing to me hormonally, since I've gained several pounds (mostly bloat) and have been forced to wear my Bella Band to keep my unfastened pants up where they belong; my face has been pimply and weird; I'm irritable and easily annoyed; and worse, I've been spotting or lightly bleeding daily for the last 11 days. (At least, perhaps, the latter will help me get over the fear of seeing blood, which haunted me throughout my pregnancy, and, of course, after our loss.) The good news is I take my last pill on Tuesday morning. Sometime later in the week I'll go in for another baseline ultrasound, except that my only purpose for doing that is to make sure that cyst is gone so that we can proceed with trying again (and I can avoid surgical removal of it). I frankly won't be surprised if it's still there, because I've felt ovary "twinges," or little pains like ovulation pain, the past week, when I'm pretty sure I should be feeling nothing of the sort. Figures, but we'll see.
Despite experiencing several more ups and downs with my emotions, I do think I feel ready to be pregnant again. Two darling couples we've met through our support groups are both expecting their first rainbows after full-term stillbirths, and in the last month I've found myself a tiny bit jealous of their milestones, such as having to wear maternity pants and getting to week 13. I take that to mean that I *am* more ready, which gives me hope. I was so worried after my meltdown with last month's chemical pregnancy that my body wouldn't be a proper zen vessel to carry a little life in, so I started acupuncture treatments at a community clinic in Olympia, just minutes from work. I've had four treatments so far and really like it. The practitioner wants to see me twice a week for four weeks, so I'm halfway through with that. If nothing else, it gives me a little time to relax in a dim place, listening to beautiful music. (Many IVF clinics require acupuncture treatments between egg retrieval and embryo transfer, so there must be something to it, right?)
So, for now, it's one day at a time, one experience at a time. First, finish the pills. Second, have another ultrasound. Third (hopefully), start charting my temps again in preparation for trying on our own once Paul returns from elk camp in a couple of weeks. If that doesn't work (and I almost hope it doesn't, because the shots feel like we're doing "more"), then refill my syringe prescriptions, bust into those Menopur vials and add more poke holes to my behind in December.