Another setback

We really just can't catch a break.

My period *finally* decided to grace me with its presence after 16 days of spotting brought on (and during) the birth control pills of the last three weeks. Dutifully, I called Dr. M's office to schedule a baseline follicular ultrasound and they got me in this afternoon, cycle day 2.

And - surprise!!! - my ovarian cyst is BIGGER! Yep, apparently I'm a freak who, despite 21 days of birth control pills meant to suppress my hormone function so as to make the cyst disappear, instead, my super-woman hormones broke through the BCPs and caused not only all the much hated symptoms I've been dealing with, but also follicle growth...of the follicle we wanted to shrink.

Dr. M. isn't at a loss for words often, and this is the first time I've sat in silence in his office and watched as he tapped his pen on his head, furrowed his brow, looked off in the distance as if for an answer, all while I suppressed tears.

So. Lucky Ducky me...I'm on ANOTHER 21 day round of birth control pills, starting tomorrow (on a different brand, though, that hopefully won't bring the same side effects), and I have to give myself full-dose Lupron shots (SQ, in the belly, with tiny insulin needles) once a day starting on November 19th and continuing for 14 days. He wants to see me back in two weeks for another ultrasound, and if that cyst hasn't shrunken considerably, then he will schedule me for an aspiration...which is identical to the very scary egg retrieval we went through in February where they put me under and suck the contents of the follicle (normally, for IVF, it's egg cells, in this case it will be just fluid) out under vacuum pressure using a huge needle inserted through the wall of my vagina, while Paul sits next to me and then drives me home after. (During egg retrieval in February, where our IUI converted to IVF and resulted in one healthy embryo that didn't implant into my uterus to make a baby, he said it was the biggest, scariest needle he'd ever seen. Joy.)

Dr. M. says that yes, this is a setback, another month of TTC lost to this stupid cyst, but he thinks I'll be perfectly primed for the superovulation IUI in December. We'll see. I realized, as I wept my way home tonight from Lacey to Tenino, that not only do I feel like I'm being punished (and that this is all - including our loss - my body's fault, which my darling friend (hi Chermie!) pointed out this weekend is very judgemental thinking on my part on something that HAS no fault lying anywhere), but part of me feels ultimately like not only are we never going to get pregnant again, but that I don't deserve to be a mother and this is why all of this shit is happening to us. As people we know (even those I only know online, other babyloss mamas) get pregnant with their rainbows, I'm feeling like we're being left behind with no hope in sight. The train has left the station, man, and we aren't on it.

Yes, I understand this is very unhealthy thinking. I'll be working on it.