Monday, November 7, 2011

Another setback

We really just can't catch a break.

My period *finally* decided to grace me with its presence after 16 days of spotting brought on (and during) the birth control pills of the last three weeks. Dutifully, I called Dr. M's office to schedule a baseline follicular ultrasound and they got me in this afternoon, cycle day 2.

And - surprise!!! - my ovarian cyst is BIGGER! Yep, apparently I'm a freak who, despite 21 days of birth control pills meant to suppress my hormone function so as to make the cyst disappear, instead, my super-woman hormones broke through the BCPs and caused not only all the much hated symptoms I've been dealing with, but also follicle growth...of the follicle we wanted to shrink.

Dr. M. isn't at a loss for words often, and this is the first time I've sat in silence in his office and watched as he tapped his pen on his head, furrowed his brow, looked off in the distance as if for an answer, all while I suppressed tears.

So. Lucky Ducky me...I'm on ANOTHER 21 day round of birth control pills, starting tomorrow (on a different brand, though, that hopefully won't bring the same side effects), and I have to give myself full-dose Lupron shots (SQ, in the belly, with tiny insulin needles) once a day starting on November 19th and continuing for 14 days. He wants to see me back in two weeks for another ultrasound, and if that cyst hasn't shrunken considerably, then he will schedule me for an aspiration...which is identical to the very scary egg retrieval we went through in February where they put me under and suck the contents of the follicle (normally, for IVF, it's egg cells, in this case it will be just fluid) out under vacuum pressure using a huge needle inserted through the wall of my vagina, while Paul sits next to me and then drives me home after. (During egg retrieval in February, where our IUI converted to IVF and resulted in one healthy embryo that didn't implant into my uterus to make a baby, he said it was the biggest, scariest needle he'd ever seen. Joy.)

Dr. M. says that yes, this is a setback, another month of TTC lost to this stupid cyst, but he thinks I'll be perfectly primed for the superovulation IUI in December. We'll see. I realized, as I wept my way home tonight from Lacey to Tenino, that not only do I feel like I'm being punished (and that this is all - including our loss - my body's fault, which my darling friend (hi Chermie!) pointed out this weekend is very judgemental thinking on my part on something that HAS no fault lying anywhere), but part of me feels ultimately like not only are we never going to get pregnant again, but that I don't deserve to be a mother and this is why all of this shit is happening to us. As people we know (even those I only know online, other babyloss mamas) get pregnant with their rainbows, I'm feeling like we're being left behind with no hope in sight. The train has left the station, man, and we aren't on it.

Yes, I understand this is very unhealthy thinking. I'll be working on it. 


  1. I am feeling a little like this too. Other infertile friends are well on into their pregnancies while I am waiting to try again after a huge loss.
    Women (IRL & online) who I was supposed to be experiencing pregnancy with and parenting with, are leaving me behind.
    I am sorry about your cyst. I am always worried about those and am more so now that I am not pregnant and not on BC.

    I hope and pray that yours goes away soon and you can get on with things.

  2. Well, F...udge. I think its understandable to feel the way you're feeling, but I agree with Chermie. And to respond to the notion that you don't deserve to be a mother, I just have to say that's absolute hogwash. If you didn't deserve to be a mother, why would you be trying to hard so become one?
    Love you,
    Amber Lena

  3. I'm sorry it seems so bleak right now. You are still in my thoughts and in my prayers.


  4. i know that hopeless, bleak feeling so well. i'm so sorry your body isn't cooperating right now and that you feel it is to blame for your loss and trouble conceiving. i also know that feeling, despite having had a successful pregnancy in the midst of my losses. hoping this second round of bcp shrinks that cyst and your next cycle is successful.

  5. Ugh, it's always something isn't it?!? I'm so sorry there is another round of birth control and everything else in your future, but December is so close it's scary.

    I felt like I was getting left behind too when everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant except for us. Especially people who had their losses after us, that was extra hard. 9 months later was our *lucky* month. Hoping it happens for you guys long before that. Nothing about this is fun, it all sucks, but you guys are deserving and I just HAVE to believe it will happen for all of us one way or another!

  6. Dear Sweet Amy,
    I am so sorry that u have to wait yet another month.I know its so hard.I to had problems getting pregnant.Not as bad as u maybe.But i know how hard it is and how hard it is to see everyone else getting pregnant with there rainbow.And u feel left behind.Feeling u will never be blessed again.God will bless u again honey.And i know how hard it is to believe that.After losing 4 babies and 3 pregnancies.Took me into a tail spin.I to felt hopeless and all alone.With each loss i felt i had to of done something really bad that God would do this to me.But it isnt God it is satan that steals our babies and then makes God look bad.So to say.Please know u are a mama.To very special babies.Lean on me dear.Together we will walk this long road.And i have enough faith and hope to help u thru this.And in time u will find that hope once again.I pray Dec will get u a big BFP and a rainbow baby that comes home in your loving arms honey.Hang in there.Dec is almost here.U have a friend here who really cares deeply about u and your pain.Please pick that beautiful face of yours up.And know it can and will happen for u.Sending u so much love and so so many warm loving hugs.Linda (angel mom of 4)

  7. I'm here (belatedly) from Stirrup Queens, and I've been reading through your blog, and oh, my dear. I wish this was all just a bit easier for you. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with another setback right now.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping hard that all your wishes come true.


What are your thoughts?