Eight months

I remember our very first support group meeting, when, desperate and broken and sobbing, I admired the others around the table who seemed sad for their own losses but so much more "ok" than we felt. One couple in particular had just passed the eight month mark since the loss of their daughter. It sounded like such a long time, and yet such a short time to have accomplished being as pulled together as they were.
Then today, as I realized - in shock! - what day it was, I got it...that's us now. I'm sure as more time goes by I'll have more perspective on our progression through grief, but what I can say today, eight months after the births and losses of our precious daughter and son, is that we've absolutely turned a corner. The six weeks felt impossible to bear. The next three months my anger ebbed and flowed, and the 4th and 5th of those months loomed large and packed a real wallup. By six months, I hit my bottom (at least the only bottom I've had thus far), really sought help, and now, at eight months, I didn't notice the significance of the day.

I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it's kind of true. Yesterday passed without even a thought of the horror of August 4th. I thought about my babies plenty, I do every day, but the anniversary of that date slipped by without notice. Today I was working on a project at work and needed to know the date, so I glanced at my day planner and seriously did a double-take: How can it be the 5th and I didn't notice?! I pondered my emotional state on and off through the rest of the day...yep, still doing just fine. Weird.

I asked Paul about it on my drive home, if he had noticed. He had. He said he had been thinking a lot about the babies the past two days (the 3rd and 4th). He didn't tell me much else, and that's ok. He tends to keep things pretty close (except in support group meeting, sometimes).

I have no doubt that this grief we carry will be everlasting, and will ebb and flow as we get further away from those two days. I wonder how it will change when (!) we conceive our rainbow baby or babies. Will it hurt worse? It might, but that's ok. I need to keep Aliya and Bennett close to me always.