Saturday, May 26, 2012

Right where I am 2012: 9 months, 3 weeks, 0 days

Angie over at Still Life With Circles started an annual blog project called Right Where I Am last year, and I thought I'd participate. The point is to write about how you are as a babyloss mama in grief today, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now.

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Right now, I'm physically sore and exhausted after Paul and I finally rallied and got started on a big project we've had planned since before we conceived the twins: the creation of a new raised garden bed area. The project has turned out to be much more involved and difficult, physically (for me, at least) than expected...although the fact that I busted my ass this morning with my 8-year old push mower, trying to tame our front lawn (if you can call it that) and flower beds (no kidding, I mowed my flower bed, that's how country I am) hasn't helped anything. I have a blister, sore feet and sore muscles to show for it...and a sense of starting something, accomplishing a part of something, a feat neither of us has been able to pull off since we lost Aliya and Bennett last summer. We've been stuck in this grief- and depression-induced inertia, with the best of intentions, of course, but no energy or motivation to actually get started. On anything.

So, this is something we started, and can finish, hopefully this weekend. That's huge. And when we're done? Ah...yes, more time to grieve. More time to question and ponder. We're probably staying busy today to try and blot out the bad feelings we earned yesterday at our big IVF clinic consultation. Suffice it to say, it did not go well, more because of the vibes we got than anything. I'll write more about that in a later post.

As far as grieving today, though, I'm in a very ok place, and I hope that Paul is, too. We've had some laughs, got really, really dirty (aside: don't make fun of your hubby's dirt half-mustache when you aren't aware you have a giant dirt smudge on your cheek yourself, smarty pants!). He's still outside, trying to tame our massively overgrown backyard, so tall in spots that the dog seriously doesn't have to hardly squat to pee! It's really that bad. (I think he might have mowed the patio, too. It would figure.)

That's where we are...living, or trying to, grieving in spurts, trying to get a fire lit under our feet so we can get something done. We're not supposed to write about how we were feeling before, but you know if you read this post. I'm much, much better now. My counselor pointed out, as I noted how deep my low trough was compared to where I emerged late last week and still remain, that while anti-depressants are certainly a tool we can look into if I need it, "Really, it's just grief, sweetie...it's all just grief."

Amen.

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(I just looked outside to find my husband mowing the patio, as expected. As I watched, he ran over the dog's Nylabone and shot the thing in three pieces three different directions. One piece actually landed in our new garden, many, many feet away (like 40+). Progress, not perfection!)

13 comments:

  1. I love the names Aliya and Bennett. My second child, the one who came after the one we lost, is named Bennett.

    I like this post because it shows so clearly where you are. You are a wonderful writer.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins.

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  2. You gave your babies beautiful names. And I'm glad at this point in your life, you are doing ok.
    xo

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  3. Sounds like an ok day with much good work done. :) .....Praying for many more for you two! ((Hugs))

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  4. What a beautiful description, grieving in spurts. After a while, it certainly felt that way for me.

    I loved reading about your work on the raised garden bed, it sounded so positive and full of energy and purpose. I also found it very hard to regain my focus and motivation for bigger projects. Although, sad to say, I don't think I will ever regain the energy for a push mower! Or for Nylabone destruction!

    I'm sorry that big IVF clinic consultation did not go as you'd wished. And, as ever, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear twins, Aliya Amy and Bennett Paul.

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  5. Thank you for sharing right where you are. And I am so sorry that Aliya and Bennett are not with you. xo

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  6. Aliya and Bennett are wonderful names - lighting a candle for them today. I'm sorry to hear about your IVF consultation. Hope your raised garden bed project finishes up nicely. Your bio has me totally intrigued, and after reading this I plan to peruse your other posts. Thank you for joining in. <3

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  7. Your babies have such beautiful names - I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting, I get the feeling that I'll be reading here often. Thinking of you and your precious twins, Aliya Amy and Bennett Paul.

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  8. Oh, the mower thing made me smile. I'm always relieved when I find people laughing too. There doesn't seem to be much choice about just finding humour among the sad, if you want to survive it all.

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  9. Beautiful names... so very sorry for the loss of Aliya Amy & Bennett Paul. I have 3 babies in Heaven..one of them is my rainbow babies twin... Thinking of you and wishing all our babies were with us... wishing we didn't all share this sad grief journey... thank you for sharing <3

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  10. Thank you for sharing this. I hope it's okay that I smiled too - I HATE gardening with a passion and the images of you both mowing everything in sight made me smile with recognition at mine and my husbands "gardening" too. But, I agree. Finding energy and motivation for physical exhertion certainly feels like progress in grief - the inertia can feel permanent sometime.

    I am sorry that your IVF consult didn't go well.

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  11. Inertia can be so very hard to overcome when grieving takes up so much of your energy. I'm glad you and Paul are able to help each other keep going. The raised bed project sounds like a good step.

    Like so many others have mentioned, I love the names you chose for your children. I'm so sorry they aren't with you right now.

    Love to you.

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  12. I'm sorry the IVF clinic consultation did not go as you'd wished. And, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious twins, Aliya and Bennett. It's wonderful that you have the energy to start a raised garden bed project. I hope it goes as you've planned. Wishing you light and healing

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