Apprehensive

There's so much going on, so much on our plates (especially mine), and yet I feel unable to put it all down coherently on the page. It's a big, messy jumble in my head, a massive run-on sentence when I speak of it all out loud...ideas and issues and timelines running into one another.

Here it is in a nutshell (bullet point style):

• I did the Clomid Challenge test last week, and had my anti-Mullerian hormone (AMH) retested. I expected to fail miserably. I had the tests done partly so we could say that yes, we'd had them done (in case another clinic requires it), but also to help Paul hop on board with the donor egg thing. I truly expected to fail both tests miserably.

• I'll be darned if the results weren't really that bad. My combined FSH (the sum of the two draws) was 16.2...not great, but not the miserable failure I was hoping for. And that AMH? It actually went up from last time. I'm now at 0.8, which is Low Normal. I can no longer claim "Poor Prognosis". That old 0.28 result was blown clear out of the water.

• I suspect that my husband somehow knew this would be the case, and that could explain why he hasn't been gung ho about donor eggs like I have been.

• I was supposed to have had my repeat hysteroscopy this past Monday, but it turns out that Dr. M. has never done an operative hysteroscopy in his office and wasn't prepared to do so (and Lord knows neither Paul nor I want ME to be the guinea pig!) Said procedure must be done in the hospital under general anesthesia.

• All was not lost, though...I also needed to have a PAP done within the past year, and my last one was a year ago mid-August, so Dr. M. did that along with my pre-op exam. Killed a different bird than expected, but hey, it works.

• Um, is my husband the only one who has not only seen his wife's cervix - like actually seen it (eek!) - but also witnessed her having a PAP and breast exam? Anyone? I'm sure he'll be traumatized for life with all the female business appointments he's now been involved in.

• I had to push a little bit to get Dr. M's staff to schedule the appointment for me, since they didn't believe it could be done this week. I insisted...if not this week, then we'd have to wait a full month. Miraculously, they called yesterday morning and got me an appointment for tomorrow night.

• I am having surgery tomorrow night. This is only the second surgery of my life. The first was my D&C for retained placentas...consented to because I understood, through the drugs and the shock and that f*cking oxytocin coursing through my new mother (of dead babies) body, that it had to be done. This is the first ever full surgery I've ever fully, coherently consented to. OMG.

• I am forbidden to eat anything after midnight or drink anything after 6:00 a.m. I don't check into the hospital until 3:00 p.m. My surgery isn't until 5:00 p.m. That's going to be a very long, miserable day...

• Topped off by the fact that I have to shove 200 mg of Cytotec up my hoohaw at 8:00 a.m. This is the same drug that was used to induce my labor. I have issues around this, for obvious reasons...not the least being holy crap, Cytotec again, nearly a year after a Cytotec-induced horror? (Also, Cytotec causes cramping as it dilates the cervix...last time I had a Dilaudid pump, but this time I get nothin'. I'm hoping the low, single dose means cramping won't be bad.)

• Can you imagine how much fun I'm going to be tomorrow? I mean, starved for 17 hours, dreaming of liquids I can't drink for 9 hours, and a cramp- and flashback-inducing drug in my system? Oy. (I will be staying home from work tomorrow. I figure that's best for everyone involved.)

• Also, this impending surgery, fear of the unknown (and Cytotec) has brought my grieving up full force the last couple of days. I also met a new twin babyloss mama tonight in support group, and that fed right in...I cried through her whole story. I hate that anyone else has to go through this (even though babies die every.single.day), and yet I was glad I was there to offer some experience and resources.

• Side note: Paul's not here. He's in Alaska. His flight should land at SeaTac as I am checking into the short stay surgical department. He plans to drive straight to the hospital, and I'm assuming he'll drive us home, but with baggage claim, having to get his truck in Tukwila and then battling Puget Sound Friday night traffic, I'm betting he won't arrive until 6:30 or so (when I should be in the recovery rom). (Our sister-in-law, bless her heart (hi Amanda!!) is driving me there and will wait in the waiting room.)

• I had an appointment Wednesday with a local naturopath who specializes in fertility and got a surprise referral to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) at University of Washington. I suspected - and was right - that Paul would be happy about this. We'll probably go for a consult there, given my newly improved/not awful ovarian reserve test results, and see what they say about IVF using MY eggs.

• I'm back on the fence...donor eggs are a much surer bet (although there's no 100% guarantee that anything we do or try will get us a take home baby), but Paul's more interested in having our genetic children, not just his, and now there's a possibility, so...yeah. What was black and white for me is now very, very gray.

• I don't like gray.