Saturday, September 1, 2012


I'm experiencing a war between my rational mind and my babylost mama mind right now, and I feel  paralyzed by guilt. I was ok yesterday after having a very horrible night Thursday night, but this morning, looking through the photos on my iPhone and seeing recent ones of a very pregnant Roxanne, it hits me again: I should have known she was going calve soon! I feel so broken hearted and stupid for missing this. I know that my own guilt over losing our twins has screwed me up seven ways to Sunday and it's a miracle I can even function somewhat normally at all, but I thought I was doing so much better. I didn't realize how clouded my thinking still is, and that clouded thinking most assuredly caused Roxy to lose her calf. We would have been watching her so much more closely if I'd put everything together and realized calving was imminent. She would have already been confined to the corral. Tom would have been watching more closely, as would we. Things that we noticed would have been put together differently in our heads.

It brings up so much about the loss of our own babies. If only I'd insisted on better care, the care I knew I needed. If only I'd stood up for myself instead of letting doctor after doctor dismiss my concerns. Maybe if I'd drunk more water that day, the babies would have been in better shape after Aliya's water broke. Maybe...

And I know in both cases the outcome could have very much been the same, even if we'd done things differently. I couldn't control whether my babies caught an infection in utero. We probably couldn't have acted quickly enough to prevent Roxy's calf from drowning in amniotic fluid. But maybe...

I also know that while Roxy is mourning the loss of her calf right now, she won't grieve this forever like Paul and I will...both our own losses and now this one. The two events are so connected in our hearts for so many reasons, and we're no longer normal people. We aren't capable of separating the two...when your baby or babies have died, you've changed forever.

We will definitely do things differently next time - both for our own babies' sakes and the sake of our calves. This horrible knowledge does bring some power and some responsibility.

If only self forgiveness were so easy...


  1. Loss happens no matter how vigilent you are. I did everything by the book, the week before losing the girls, I was with doctors every day doing various precautionary tests and stuff. And still they were lost. On the other hand, drug addicts who get beaten every day by abusers manage to bring babies into the world. There's no cause and effect sometimes. 36 hours before I lost them, a doctor looking at all my test results said "the three of you are remarkably healthy" and yet I lost them anyway. I did everything you are saying here that you should have done and I still lost them. So, no, you couldn't have done anything to change the outcome. When you think of those "what ifs", think of me and know that the what ifs mean nothing. And then think of me again, more almost two years later, covered in twin spit-up and have hope that since your story started like mine, it might end the same way.

  2. Some people (myself included) experience more loss than others. It certainly makes it hard to be kind and compassionate towards oneself, even though that's what you need the most. I know how easy it is for your mind to go to the place where you ask "What if?" The road not taken can seem like the surer path, but the truth is there is no guarantee. We want to assume personal responsibility for life events because it makes us feel like we have control and change change the outcome. But sometimes we can't, and don't, no matter how hard we try, and no matter how unfair repeated loss just is.

    My heart goes out to you though. I can only imagine how much Roxy's loss reminds you of your own.

  3. Amy, I doubt you could have saved Roxy's calf! When a calf is breach and the water breaks, there's only a few minutes TOPS to get the calf. It's darn hard when the only complication is breach. When there are other complications, it's not going to happen. It just takes to long to get things straightened out. And all that is if you realize the calf is breach when the water breaks and are right there. Somehow, you need to separate your baby loss mind with your farm mind. I'm not sure how and I'm positive it's easier said than done. ((HUGS))

  4. I too have a hard time separating Bonnie's (my cow) early miscarriage from the loss experienced in my own life and the baby I lost wasn't even mine to lose. I can't imagine having to go through what you are! I'd say, please find a way to forgive yourself but I know that's easier said than done so all I'm offering are cyber ((hugs)) and an "I'm so sorry that your loss is being felt so keenly again. You are in my thoughts and prayers, both of you".

  5. I feel you. I still have much guilt and probably always will. It's hard to be removed when things like this happen, but I hope you can find it in you to forgive yourself and move forward with new knowledge and peace.

  6. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your calf, how heart breaking. I can easily see how it brings up things from your own loss. Playing what ifs and feeling guilt is normal I'd say, but I hope you find ways to letting go of the guilt, seeing some perspective and slowly heal from it. The ache will never go away but hopefully it can soften with time. That's my hope for myself as well.


What are your thoughts?