23 weeks (and 19 months)

Today marks 19 months since our firstborn daughter and son silently slipped from my body into view, perfect, so delicate, and still. We miss them so, so much. As I've mentioned before, I find it really difficult - especially the further along we get in this pregnancy (so much closer to hope) - to hold my joy and excitement and fear for this baby boy at the same time as my heartbreak and longing for Aliya and Bennett. I understand that's completely normal, and to be expected, and may feel this way until baby boy is here and at an age/developmental stage where he's gaining independence. That's, supposedly, when grief will hit me with its onslaught once again.

*****
How Far Along: 23 weeks today. E2 is the size of a grapefruit.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (22w6d), I am up 14 pounds.

Maternity Clothes: Yep.

Movement: Daily, and getting stronger.

Sleep: So so. I'm forgetful, so can't seem to remember to check out new body pillows. In the meantime, I'm double-stacking pillows and seeing how that feels. It's definitely alleviating the right hip and rib pain, but not all aches and pains. That's ok.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: Nausea a couple of days this week (despite the Zofran and B-6), aches and pains, fatigue, sleeping poorly, rosacea flare-ups, hot flashes, a little harder to get up from a sitting (or lying down) position, constipation, forgetfulness.

Cravings: None.

Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still shallow.

Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs, but I am feeling  Braxton Hicks a little more frequently (which does scare me a little each time). Baby also was kind of quiet over the weekend, but made up for it today.

Looking Forward To: Making it one more week to 24 weeks - VIABILITY. It's amazing how very much that milestone means to Paul and I both right now.

Next Appointment: Monday, March 11th for another cervical length ultrasound.

Miscellaneous: We're signed up for a weekend Birth Preparation Workshop in May, and we're both excited (probably me more than Paul, but he's excited, too). I'll be 33 weeks then. After that, we'll meet with the doula, who teaches the workshop, to formulate our birth plan. One of these days I'll remember to write about meeting with the doula, and why we (well, mostly I, but Paul's being supportive) want to hire her and how that will hopefully help us. Meanwhile, I've started researching childcare options. Holy Hell, is this ever overwhelming! I'm once again going through some upheaval and transition at work (although not as drastic as last December 2011/January 2012), so it's unclear whether I'll be able to telecommute two days per week (and save on daycare those two days) or whether Baby Boy will end up in daycare five days per week. Just trying to determine what type of care (center or in-home, and if in-home, licensed or not) when I have a 19-mile, 35-minute commute each way to consider and no one close by to request referrals of makes it overwhelming. I got a lead on a private Facebook group that might be of help, though, so I'm going to give that a whirl. I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom, but I know myself; not only am I just about an equal breadwinner in this marriage (and the holder of the very affordable health insurance for the family), but I would also go a little nuts without adult interactions every day and a sense of personal accomplishment through contributing toward and completing work-related tasks. It's just who I am. Still, this daycare thing weighs heavy.

The belly at 23 weeks.