I've debated whether or not to write here again. I truly lack the time and energy, but not the fear of putting myself back out there again. My motivation right now, though, is guilt...guilt that as much as I documented my pregnancy with Asher, I've said virtually nothing about this baby currently growing in my belly. What kind of a mother am I? Do I want this baby less?
No. I will say, though, that it all still seems surreal, and I find myself sometimes forgetting I'm pregnant...that is, until I barf again.
Let me back up.
I added a new page to this blog to document our infertility journey. I didn't have it written down anywhere in a single location. You can find the page in my blog menu.
Paul and I are so over the moon with Asher, but we never wanted to be a family of just three. However, my struggles with postpartumm anxiety turned plain ol' anxiety really made me second guess the idea of trying again. We finally decided to take the leap in August 2015 through donor egg IVF. The process took longer than we'd hoped, with scheduling pre-cycle tests, selecting a donor, pulling together the funds, and having another hysteroscopy to remove polyps. Finally, in December, it was time to start meds. Given we chose to use an anonymous frozen donor egg program, the guaranteed two healthy blastocysts that were created were frozen when they reached Day 5, so I could do my meds relatively stress-free, without having to worry about timing my uterine lining and hormones with embryo growth. It was crazy easy compared to what we'd gone through in the past. On transfer day, we transferred on fully hatched, perfect Day 6 blast. Five days later, I had an unbelievably faint BFP, one that barely progressed in darkness over the next several days. Betas confirmed a nice, sticky pregnancy, and our first ultrasound showed one embryo with a heartbeat.
This first trimester has been painfully long for me, although Paul says it's gone by fast. Today, I am 13 weeks 4 days pregnant. Baby is the size of a peach. I've been in maternity clothes since 10 weeks 3 days, and started feeling baby move at 11.5 weeks. I have been really sick again this time, throwing up more in the last week than ever, and definitely more than I did with Asher. Frankly, I've been miserable, and not terribly grateful most days. I actually had to miss Asher's first public Easter egg hunt last weekend because I was home throwing up. Good times. It's bad enough that I'm fairly positive that I will not do this again. Our one remaining embryo - while we hope/plan to not have to make a choice as to its fate until this child is 12 months old and the risk of SIDS is super low - will likely not make it into my uterus. I just can't fathom having a fourth first trimester filled with all day morning sickness...and worry.
This weekend I'll reach the same gestation as I was when Aliya's water broke. My anxiety level has ratcheted up significantly as the weekend approaches. I'm using my home Doppler daily to make sure my little passenger is still with us...and kind of surprised to hear that galloping heartbeat each time. My OB sees me every two weeks, so I'll get to see baby again this week. At 16 weeks I'll start 17P shots and biweekly cervical length monitoring again, so that'll be my next milestone. After that, anatomy scan between 18-20 weeks, when we'll finally get to learn the sex of our fourth child.
For now, it's back to parenting our beautiful, funny, smart and active toddler boy and managing my nausea and vomiting.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Still rough around the edges
I've been carrying the below around on a sticky note for years, since three months after I was diagnosed with PPD and PTSD, in fact, and rereading it, I realized it still rings true...although the glue is no longer as fresh.
*****
6/26/12
I am a China cup, once all pretty patterned, smooth outside, delicate handle. Then, dropped to the ground, shattered, scattered in jagged pieces. Now, glued slowly back together, still patterned, still a cup, but now imperfect, rumpled, no longer smooth. I still hold the same inside, mostly, but it's moved by the lumpiness of the glued together fragments.
The same, but not at all.
*****
6/26/12
I am a China cup, once all pretty patterned, smooth outside, delicate handle. Then, dropped to the ground, shattered, scattered in jagged pieces. Now, glued slowly back together, still patterned, still a cup, but now imperfect, rumpled, no longer smooth. I still hold the same inside, mostly, but it's moved by the lumpiness of the glued together fragments.
The same, but not at all.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Feeling all the feelings
Asher recently moved up to the toddler room at daycare. He's following their routines, washing his hands, closing and opening doors, putting toys away. Sharing. Today, while signing Paul and myself up to chaperone some of the class's summer field trips, the date of one I was considering popped out for the first time, even though I've looked at it numerous times in the last week.
August 5th. The day my babies died.
My breath caught in my throat. After a quick deliberation, I signed up to chaperone that day. I suppose it's better to spend a few hours at a park and getting ice cream with my rainbow boy, who turns two in just six days, than trying not to cry while sitting among my co-workers at my desk, very few of whom know my story.
It's clear that so many people around me have forgotten about our babies. Life has moved on. We have a handsome handful of a towhead toddler running us ragged. We must be all fixed, like none of it ever happened.
It's true that I have joy in my life today. I laugh every day at and with my funny boy. He's the life of every party, and has a harem of little girlfriends at daycare. He's a sunshine, no doubt, an extrovert and people person, making friends right and left with people of all ages. As much happiness as he brings me, his siblings are missing. There are holes in our family that can't be filled by anyone, not even him.
This past weekend we joined other bereaved parents at the TEARS Foundation's Rock & Walk event in honor of our lost babies. In talking with my friend at and after the event, several feelings came up: the anxiety leading up to the event, the absolute annoyance during the event (like why in fuck do we need a 45 minute opening ceremony when we're really all there just to remember and honor our dead babies?), and the emotional exhaustion after. As I walked slowly around the track with my mom ahead of Paul and Asher, I said, "I still cannot believe this is my life." The life of dead babies. Of years of heartbreak and infertility. The exclusion. The isolation. The trying to navigate joy with pain, the devastating guilt I feel when Asher is pummeling my very last nerve, wondering when, if ever, these contradictory feelings will fade.
We're almost to the four year mark. I can look back in my mind's eye to the events that happened on the 4th and 5th of August so many years ago as if I'm watching someone else's movie, detached. But the lingering effects of our journey to build a family and claw my way through the reality of life after babyloss are still very much real and alive.
It hurts my heart.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Right where I am: 2 years, 11 months and 29 days
I've been so painfully silent on this space for so long - almost a year - that it's hard to know where to even start. There's so much to say, but it jumbles all together in my head and my heart: the joy, the pain, the struggles, the happiness, the growth, the setbacks. I'll pick it up somehow and bring you all forward with me. I credit Angie from Still Life With Circles for reminding me to write my grief as it is today. It feels like a good place to start.
In two days, we will be at the 3-year anniversary of Aliya's water breaking. 4:50p.m. PDT. In three days, the anniversary of my induction and their deaths and deliveries...the start of our real Hell. For much of the last year, Aliya and Bennett have felt very distant, almost like losing them was a lifetime ago, something that happened before I was me. Mothering a living child after losing our worlds has been very, very difficult and not at all what I imagined. I had no mental space to grieve. I wondered whether I had really just successfully moved forward without them, somehow. The only thing I've really felt for sure, based on how Asher's first year went for me, mentally and emotionally, was that I have serious, serious doubts that I could have actually mothered Aliya and Bennett if they had survived.
As Asher's first birthday approached, my grief resurfaced, and I found myself in tears and struggling to manage my anxiety (despite continued counseling and Pa.xil). I can't say I honestly felt what I'd been missing out on with the twins, because it wasn't that. Perhaps it was that he was finally reaching such a huge milestone, one that also brought the risk of losing him to SIDS down to negligible. He had been sleeping through the night for five months, he was growing and thriving, showing his personality, and was about to be celebrated by all of our family - both sides - for the first time since his birth. I was full of so many emotions...and also a lot of regret that his first year hadn't been "better"...that I hadn't been better. I guess that's it. Regret breeds regret, which leads to guilt and sorrow...and those roads lead to Aliya and Bennett.
Now, right on the cusp of our 3-year anniversary (how is that even possible?), even though just a few days ago I remarked to another BLM I know in the flesh (who lost her daughter 11 years ago, so is a veteran) how ok I was at the time...now, for the last two days, the tears have been freely flowing, right under the surface. Last week the dates meant nothing to me (I had to really think about them and their significance to our loss story), but BOOM, yesterday, August 1st, it all came flooding back. It's a cluster, timing-wise...I decided to wean myself off the Pa.xil last weekend (yeah, don't know what I was thinking), I'm PMSing (and spotting, incidentally, the exact same color and consistency as I was this time 3 years ago, although this time it only harkens my cycle, not impending tragedy), and it's anniversary week. Paul's left to go fishing last night, so I had the house and Asher to myself. The anxiety gave me a run, causing me to shut and lock any windows that could possibly allow an intruder to slip in overnight, even thought it was so damned hot in the house and I knew shutting those windows would prevent a good cooling off (I was right). Then, getting ready for bed, I needed Asher. He was sound asleep, but I crept in and put my hands on him to feel him breathe (like Paul and I both do every.single.night, just to be sure). I sat in his rocking chair, quiet as a mouse, listening to him breathe. He stirred, and I then felt like an idiot because if he awoke, it would be my fault! (He didn't, and I was able to slip back out, undetected.) Today, while he napped, I watched Notting Hill...and even the sweet places in the movie that bring me to happy tears then brought me to sobbing for myself, my babies, my fears. God help me.
Sometimes it pulls at my heart to see 2-year olds playing together, but not always. I always notice twins still, but, thankfully, rarely see girl/boy twins of that age. But as Asher works on standing and walking, and is becoming increasingly in need of reassurance and hugs (mama, really), that's where it grabs me. I am missing those hugs around the neck. I am missing those silly grins and the belly laughs...the sharing of blueberries and pacifiers, the "MumMum" and "Mama". And that hurts so much.
In two days, we will be at the 3-year anniversary of Aliya's water breaking. 4:50p.m. PDT. In three days, the anniversary of my induction and their deaths and deliveries...the start of our real Hell. For much of the last year, Aliya and Bennett have felt very distant, almost like losing them was a lifetime ago, something that happened before I was me. Mothering a living child after losing our worlds has been very, very difficult and not at all what I imagined. I had no mental space to grieve. I wondered whether I had really just successfully moved forward without them, somehow. The only thing I've really felt for sure, based on how Asher's first year went for me, mentally and emotionally, was that I have serious, serious doubts that I could have actually mothered Aliya and Bennett if they had survived.
As Asher's first birthday approached, my grief resurfaced, and I found myself in tears and struggling to manage my anxiety (despite continued counseling and Pa.xil). I can't say I honestly felt what I'd been missing out on with the twins, because it wasn't that. Perhaps it was that he was finally reaching such a huge milestone, one that also brought the risk of losing him to SIDS down to negligible. He had been sleeping through the night for five months, he was growing and thriving, showing his personality, and was about to be celebrated by all of our family - both sides - for the first time since his birth. I was full of so many emotions...and also a lot of regret that his first year hadn't been "better"...that I hadn't been better. I guess that's it. Regret breeds regret, which leads to guilt and sorrow...and those roads lead to Aliya and Bennett.
Now, right on the cusp of our 3-year anniversary (how is that even possible?), even though just a few days ago I remarked to another BLM I know in the flesh (who lost her daughter 11 years ago, so is a veteran) how ok I was at the time...now, for the last two days, the tears have been freely flowing, right under the surface. Last week the dates meant nothing to me (I had to really think about them and their significance to our loss story), but BOOM, yesterday, August 1st, it all came flooding back. It's a cluster, timing-wise...I decided to wean myself off the Pa.xil last weekend (yeah, don't know what I was thinking), I'm PMSing (and spotting, incidentally, the exact same color and consistency as I was this time 3 years ago, although this time it only harkens my cycle, not impending tragedy), and it's anniversary week. Paul's left to go fishing last night, so I had the house and Asher to myself. The anxiety gave me a run, causing me to shut and lock any windows that could possibly allow an intruder to slip in overnight, even thought it was so damned hot in the house and I knew shutting those windows would prevent a good cooling off (I was right). Then, getting ready for bed, I needed Asher. He was sound asleep, but I crept in and put my hands on him to feel him breathe (like Paul and I both do every.single.night, just to be sure). I sat in his rocking chair, quiet as a mouse, listening to him breathe. He stirred, and I then felt like an idiot because if he awoke, it would be my fault! (He didn't, and I was able to slip back out, undetected.) Today, while he napped, I watched Notting Hill...and even the sweet places in the movie that bring me to happy tears then brought me to sobbing for myself, my babies, my fears. God help me.
Sometimes it pulls at my heart to see 2-year olds playing together, but not always. I always notice twins still, but, thankfully, rarely see girl/boy twins of that age. But as Asher works on standing and walking, and is becoming increasingly in need of reassurance and hugs (mama, really), that's where it grabs me. I am missing those hugs around the neck. I am missing those silly grins and the belly laughs...the sharing of blueberries and pacifiers, the "MumMum" and "Mama". And that hurts so much.
Friday, August 16, 2013
The truth
I wrote the following post over a period of days a couple of weeks ago. I've tried blogging several times over the past month and just wasn't able to finish "adequately". I'm happy to say that a couple of weeks in Asher's development (and some meds for me) have made a bunch of difference, so the below is a reflection of where I have been...not where I am now (thank God!). Still, in the interest of honesty, I thought it relevant to publish, so here it is. I'll work on a more up-to-date entry (with photos of my little man!) soon.
*******
I have had posts rattling around in my brain for weeks, but no energy, time or presence of mind to actually write them down. I decided to put Asher back down to sleep after our 4 am feeding session so I could pump, and then thought, Hell, sleep would be nice, but I'm making myself crazy with the lack of blog posting. What stays in my brain causes me stress and strife, sort of like the feng shui adage, a cluttered house is a cluttered mind.
The last six weeks have been a blur, of course. I wish I could say a blissful blur, but that would be a lie.
I know what I'm about to write is normal - and I say this because I recently was given a booklet filled with essays written by moms, and could relate to nearly all of them - but life as a new mother is painfully difficult, stressful, self-doubt-filled, and not at all the dream I always imagined.
I guess that's part of the issue; as I read on another blog recently (forgive me for being unable to remember whose, but know your words are important to me!), all these years of infertility (it would be six in October), the loss of our twins and all the heartache associated with the two led me to focus so much on getting and staying pregnant that I really wasn't prepared for what comes after (when disaster doesn't strike). The last six weeks have been filled with mind blowing exhaustion, frustration of not understanding what this crying baby needs when all the obvious issues have been addressed, the emotional and physical pain of breastfeeding problems, the complete lack of time for myself, fear that I'm doing things wrong, feeling that I - who used to be so organized and on top of things - can't manage my time to save my life, wondering if I was cut out for this at all, thinking that perhaps that's why my twins died, because I couldn't have handled them, etc.
Layered over top of all of this - and probably behind a lot of it - is postpartum depression again, with a healthy side of its bitchy sibling, postpartum anxiety. Yep, despite my best efforts (as if we have control over these things) and the frantic consumption of my dehydrated placenta capsules as per label, PPD again has clouded my mind. I thought I was ok, but I will fully admit that the feeding issues with Asher really brought me to my knees, so that one day I was ok, and the next I was telling my counselor that I was concerned about myself. She told me I have "moderate to severe"PPD/PPA, had the talk with me about intrusive thoughts (bad thoughts that aren't things I'd come up with on my own but that are pervasive and overwhelming), and encouraged me to see my naturopath (today) for drug-free support options (if there are any). I've mentioned before my history of major depression; this obviously isn't my first rodeo. What I can say with conviction is that while there are times I have no interest in things and feel completely overwhelmingly depressed, most of the time I am very functional, 100% able to care for and bond with my son (who I am so in love with!), able to (and desiring) a shower and clean clothes, etc. I have little to no appetite (a symptom), I have a hard time seeing things with a positive eye, and am glad I still have 5.5 more weeks left of my leave so that hopefully, by the time I go back to work, I will have dug myself out of this with help and can go back feeling confident in my abilities to manage my life. Right now, a lot of the time, not so much. I've found myself cursing this town I live in for being so far away from my family and friends (because, damn it, it does take a village to raise a child, but moreso for the support of the mother, I think). I do have a dear friend who lives 45 minutes away from me and is also a mom of a little (Asher's best friend!), and we spent a few hours just talking and walking in the mall yesterday, something I really needed and wouldn't have done by myself. (Wouldn't you know, this child of mine, who lately is fighting every nap during the day and is therefore prone to major, epic, turning-purple/not-making-vocal-sounds/full-body-sweat meltdowns once or twice a day - to the point where he can only be interrupted by blowing in his face - fell asleep and slept almost the entire time in his stroller.)
One thing that has had frightening and disappointing familiarity is the speed at which people - mostly other mothers - discount the feelings and experiences of those of us dealing with troubles in what should be a blissful time. From having people tell me 10,000 times that at least my child can eat (don't say this to a babyloss mom...we know all to well what the alternative could be, and it probably isn't the one these ignorant women who say things like that would even think of), that it doesn't matter whether baby is fed from the breast or bottle (believe me, for someone like me, whose body has failed in this becoming-a-parent job so many times in so many awful, terrible ways, it DOES matter!), I am reminded (and revisited by that sick feeling in my stomach) of all the unintentionally hurtful things people (mostly women!) said to me after we lost the twins. Why is acknowledging someone's feelings and experience so difficult, so that instead we have to discount or one-up or minimize another?
Asher is wonderful, beautiful, perfect and still, unbelievably, mine. He has started smiling and cooing this week, and it's divine (and couldn't come at a better time for me emotionally). He knows I am his mama. My heart melts when his little hand grabs my arm in the middle of the night as I burp him after a feeding, when I'm the one who can ease his crying. I know I can meet his needs, maybe not the way I want to, but in a way that satisfies him (minus the over-tired meltdowns...still trying to figure that part out, and CIO sleep training is not something that Paul and I are comfortable with, thank you). We did end up taking him to a Portland ENT on July 8th after having a private Facebook conversation with the doctor late on the evening of July 6th (a Saturday!), where Asher was diagnosed with a stage 4 upper lip tie (ULT) and stage 4 posterior tongue tie (PTT), the most restrictive kinds. Mother's intuition is alive and well. We are thrilled we pursued this so aggressively. Even if Asher and I never have a full time breastfeeding relationship when it's all said and done (we're still trying, and making some headway), Paul and I know that by having his ties laser corrected, we will avoid the awful tooth decay, speech problems and head and neck issues usually associated with ties like these. (Turns out I'm tongue tied, too, and never knew it...and I am plagued with head and neck tensions, TMJ issues, etc.) The procedure was very quick, relatively painless, and probably easier on Asher than the stretches we had to 4 times daily for the subsequent three weeks were. (He and I both cried the first time, but it got easier, and now we're done.) I took him back to Portland two Fridays ago to visit with a highly recommended lactation consultant/herbalist/craniosacral therapist, and that was super helpful. Thanks to her, we are now breastfeeding at least once a day using a nipple shield for a deeper latch (he still hurts me without a shield). I am having supply problems despite a tincture she blended for me, so I may have a drug in my future to help with that...if I decide to continue with this. It has been terribly disappointing and frustrating, and the supply issues make it really hard to not internalize this experience and beat myself with it (even though Asher's anatomical issues caused it all to begin with, and I would certainly never chastise HIM for it!).
*******
I have had posts rattling around in my brain for weeks, but no energy, time or presence of mind to actually write them down. I decided to put Asher back down to sleep after our 4 am feeding session so I could pump, and then thought, Hell, sleep would be nice, but I'm making myself crazy with the lack of blog posting. What stays in my brain causes me stress and strife, sort of like the feng shui adage, a cluttered house is a cluttered mind.
The last six weeks have been a blur, of course. I wish I could say a blissful blur, but that would be a lie.
I know what I'm about to write is normal - and I say this because I recently was given a booklet filled with essays written by moms, and could relate to nearly all of them - but life as a new mother is painfully difficult, stressful, self-doubt-filled, and not at all the dream I always imagined.
I guess that's part of the issue; as I read on another blog recently (forgive me for being unable to remember whose, but know your words are important to me!), all these years of infertility (it would be six in October), the loss of our twins and all the heartache associated with the two led me to focus so much on getting and staying pregnant that I really wasn't prepared for what comes after (when disaster doesn't strike). The last six weeks have been filled with mind blowing exhaustion, frustration of not understanding what this crying baby needs when all the obvious issues have been addressed, the emotional and physical pain of breastfeeding problems, the complete lack of time for myself, fear that I'm doing things wrong, feeling that I - who used to be so organized and on top of things - can't manage my time to save my life, wondering if I was cut out for this at all, thinking that perhaps that's why my twins died, because I couldn't have handled them, etc.
Layered over top of all of this - and probably behind a lot of it - is postpartum depression again, with a healthy side of its bitchy sibling, postpartum anxiety. Yep, despite my best efforts (as if we have control over these things) and the frantic consumption of my dehydrated placenta capsules as per label, PPD again has clouded my mind. I thought I was ok, but I will fully admit that the feeding issues with Asher really brought me to my knees, so that one day I was ok, and the next I was telling my counselor that I was concerned about myself. She told me I have "moderate to severe"PPD/PPA, had the talk with me about intrusive thoughts (bad thoughts that aren't things I'd come up with on my own but that are pervasive and overwhelming), and encouraged me to see my naturopath (today) for drug-free support options (if there are any). I've mentioned before my history of major depression; this obviously isn't my first rodeo. What I can say with conviction is that while there are times I have no interest in things and feel completely overwhelmingly depressed, most of the time I am very functional, 100% able to care for and bond with my son (who I am so in love with!), able to (and desiring) a shower and clean clothes, etc. I have little to no appetite (a symptom), I have a hard time seeing things with a positive eye, and am glad I still have 5.5 more weeks left of my leave so that hopefully, by the time I go back to work, I will have dug myself out of this with help and can go back feeling confident in my abilities to manage my life. Right now, a lot of the time, not so much. I've found myself cursing this town I live in for being so far away from my family and friends (because, damn it, it does take a village to raise a child, but moreso for the support of the mother, I think). I do have a dear friend who lives 45 minutes away from me and is also a mom of a little (Asher's best friend!), and we spent a few hours just talking and walking in the mall yesterday, something I really needed and wouldn't have done by myself. (Wouldn't you know, this child of mine, who lately is fighting every nap during the day and is therefore prone to major, epic, turning-purple/not-making-vocal-sounds/full-body-sweat meltdowns once or twice a day - to the point where he can only be interrupted by blowing in his face - fell asleep and slept almost the entire time in his stroller.)
One thing that has had frightening and disappointing familiarity is the speed at which people - mostly other mothers - discount the feelings and experiences of those of us dealing with troubles in what should be a blissful time. From having people tell me 10,000 times that at least my child can eat (don't say this to a babyloss mom...we know all to well what the alternative could be, and it probably isn't the one these ignorant women who say things like that would even think of), that it doesn't matter whether baby is fed from the breast or bottle (believe me, for someone like me, whose body has failed in this becoming-a-parent job so many times in so many awful, terrible ways, it DOES matter!), I am reminded (and revisited by that sick feeling in my stomach) of all the unintentionally hurtful things people (mostly women!) said to me after we lost the twins. Why is acknowledging someone's feelings and experience so difficult, so that instead we have to discount or one-up or minimize another?
Asher is wonderful, beautiful, perfect and still, unbelievably, mine. He has started smiling and cooing this week, and it's divine (and couldn't come at a better time for me emotionally). He knows I am his mama. My heart melts when his little hand grabs my arm in the middle of the night as I burp him after a feeding, when I'm the one who can ease his crying. I know I can meet his needs, maybe not the way I want to, but in a way that satisfies him (minus the over-tired meltdowns...still trying to figure that part out, and CIO sleep training is not something that Paul and I are comfortable with, thank you). We did end up taking him to a Portland ENT on July 8th after having a private Facebook conversation with the doctor late on the evening of July 6th (a Saturday!), where Asher was diagnosed with a stage 4 upper lip tie (ULT) and stage 4 posterior tongue tie (PTT), the most restrictive kinds. Mother's intuition is alive and well. We are thrilled we pursued this so aggressively. Even if Asher and I never have a full time breastfeeding relationship when it's all said and done (we're still trying, and making some headway), Paul and I know that by having his ties laser corrected, we will avoid the awful tooth decay, speech problems and head and neck issues usually associated with ties like these. (Turns out I'm tongue tied, too, and never knew it...and I am plagued with head and neck tensions, TMJ issues, etc.) The procedure was very quick, relatively painless, and probably easier on Asher than the stretches we had to 4 times daily for the subsequent three weeks were. (He and I both cried the first time, but it got easier, and now we're done.) I took him back to Portland two Fridays ago to visit with a highly recommended lactation consultant/herbalist/craniosacral therapist, and that was super helpful. Thanks to her, we are now breastfeeding at least once a day using a nipple shield for a deeper latch (he still hurts me without a shield). I am having supply problems despite a tincture she blended for me, so I may have a drug in my future to help with that...if I decide to continue with this. It has been terribly disappointing and frustrating, and the supply issues make it really hard to not internalize this experience and beat myself with it (even though Asher's anatomical issues caused it all to begin with, and I would certainly never chastise HIM for it!).
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Time flies
Asher Paul is two weeks and one day old today (well, technically, at 10:10 tonight). I'd always heard how fast time blows by with children in the picture, but I truly had no idea. I feel like I'm living in a time warp. I labored and pushed this kid out of me two weeks ago?! How is that even possible?
I always sort of wondered why BLMs tended to disappear for a while once their rainbows arrived safely. How naive. I totally get it now. In my world, at least, time is sucked up by visitors, trying to change and feed my son (more on that below), and squeezing in minor chores where I can, etc. "Sleep when the baby sleeps"?! Yeah, right. Maybe if I had a sister wife.
Asher is doing well. He's perfect, downright gorgeous...more beautiful and precious than our wildest dreams could have imagined. I still can't believe he was in my belly! He sleeps like his daddy (hard, and with one or both arms behind his head a lot of the time), pees a LOT, only cries when he needs food or a diaper change, and sleeps for 4-5 hours overnight (thank you, baby!!). He has Paul's hair line (and a perfect little hairdo) and crease (not frown line!) above the corner of his right eyebrow (Paul said his grandpa had it, too), long fingers, kissable feet, a little outie belly button (so far), chubby cheeks, a slight chin divot, and navy blue eyes (so far) that look metallic in certain light. We love him to itty bitty pieces.
My recovery from vaginal delivery is going well, too. I had a second degree tear that my OB gave the all clear on yesterday at my 2-week postpartum visit (stitches have already dissolved, yippee!). I'm also down 40+ pounds, and my blood pressure is stabilizing (although I had a scare last Friday when I had a "visual disturbance", BP of 159/91, and fears of late onset preeclampsia). Dr. M. was right, most of my excessive weight gain was water weight (I almost wrote "precipitation"...truly, lack of sleep does some crazy stuff to the brain!). My belly is deflated and squishy, and covered in stretch marks, but I don't mind. (Actually, all those weeks of trying to prevent stretch marks by covering my skin in Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion has made my skin freakishly soft!) My ankles are totally back and slender, and the tops of my feet are finally almost back to their former unswollen selves. (I think my feet are still wider than the narrows they started out as. I'll be interested to see how they turn out when it's time for new shoes.) I'm grateful to be off Zofran (woohoo!!), my hemorrhoid is healing (double woohoo!), and all those crazy aches and pains are gone, replaced by a daily propensity to nod off and a sore back (from holding my baby all the time?). I'm thrilled with all of these things.
Things aren't smooth by any means, though. Asher and I have some pretty significant feeding challenges. When we left the hospital, we came home armed with a rented Lactina pump, a syringe and tube for supplemental feedings, a nipple shield and formula...everything I NEVER wanted. I was running on very, very little sleep (like maybe 6-8 hours total between Thursday night and Sunday night), had painful nipples and was stressed out by my son's inability or lack of desire to breastfeed. We'd heard, by discharge, many different opinions as to what was going on: small mouth, tongue thruster, biter, lower lip tucker, too smart, lazy. The lactation consultant finally saw us on Sunday afternoon (I should have called Le Leche League on Saturday!!) and sent us home with instructions to continue using the nipple shield if needed, but to try pumping to bring out my nipple so he'd latch without the shield. If that didn't work, we were to slip the feeding tube under the nipple shield and "reward" him for sucking by giving him formula. It was a three-person job: me manning the shield and providing the boob, Paul slipping the tube in and dispensing formula from the syringe, and my mom, who stayed with us during our first week home, attempting to get his lower lip flanged out. It was super frustrating and very high maintenance. I hated the pump, my nipples were killing me, and I was so, so sad that what comes easy to so many people seemed impossible for us. A few days in and we resorted to the bottle for the sake of all of us (adults, that is...Asher was well fed any way you sliced it, so he didn't care). We took Asher back to the hospital with us for an outpatient lactation consultation, where we learned that he was only "transferring" 4 mL of milk through the nipple shield (both nipples!), so were cautioned to ditch the thing all together. (I was also very, very engorged for three days, including the day of the consultation, so he wasn't getting much out of me, period.)
I suspected something more was going on, something physical. We got a referral from a pediatrician to a local ENT, who poked around his mouth and declared he had an upper lip tie (ULT), "purely cosmetic"...one that he'd either outgrow, or, if not, that would cause a space between his two front teeth, "like David Letterman's". After asking around and doing my own research, I've learned that ULTs often cause breastfeeding problems and tooth decay, AND, even worse, are usually accompanied by posterior tongue ties (PTTs), which DO cause feeding problems. Our pediatrician gave us a referral to Seattle Children's ENT department, but there are two specialists - one in Seattle and one in Portland - that Paul and I are considering instead. Both fully understand the significance of ULTs and PTTs in relation to successful breastfeeding relationships, so we would be taken seriously.
While we work to figure out who to see, I continue to pump. Today I'm ok with pumping; other days, I hate it with a white hot passion. Having visitors over really throws things off, so I end up skipping pumping sessions, which can hurt my supply (and pumping by itself can hurt my supply). I can only get Asher to latch onto my breast and feed about 50% of the times I try every day, and what seems to work (although not always) is feeding him a bit from a bottle (enough to take the edge off and stave off crying, but not too much that he's no longer hungry), pumping for at least 5 minutes on the side I want to try so that my nipple is primed and protruding far enough, and then trying, trying, trying to latch him on. He's chomped on me, made me bleed, caused cracks...but still I try. I'd rather have him latching poorly than not at all at this point. I'm also taking supplements to boost my milk supply - Mother's Milk Tea (I'd heard it tasted awful, but it's got fennel seed in it and reminds me of Indian food, which I love) and More Milk tincture (just started today). I'm also taking my encapsulated placenta as a supplement, more to help prevent recurrent postpartum depression, but also to help with my milk supply. I am getting about 1.5 to 2 ounces of milk with each pumping session, not quite enough for a meal for Asher, but getting close. Dr. M. took me off Lasix yesterday out of concerns for my milk supply, so we'll see what, if anything, that does to improve it.
Baby Boy is stirring. Thus begins the next feeding session...fill and warm a bottle, change diaper, feed baby, attempt the boob, finish feeding baby (likely), put baby down...and pump. But first, some pictures...
I always sort of wondered why BLMs tended to disappear for a while once their rainbows arrived safely. How naive. I totally get it now. In my world, at least, time is sucked up by visitors, trying to change and feed my son (more on that below), and squeezing in minor chores where I can, etc. "Sleep when the baby sleeps"?! Yeah, right. Maybe if I had a sister wife.
Asher is doing well. He's perfect, downright gorgeous...more beautiful and precious than our wildest dreams could have imagined. I still can't believe he was in my belly! He sleeps like his daddy (hard, and with one or both arms behind his head a lot of the time), pees a LOT, only cries when he needs food or a diaper change, and sleeps for 4-5 hours overnight (thank you, baby!!). He has Paul's hair line (and a perfect little hairdo) and crease (not frown line!) above the corner of his right eyebrow (Paul said his grandpa had it, too), long fingers, kissable feet, a little outie belly button (so far), chubby cheeks, a slight chin divot, and navy blue eyes (so far) that look metallic in certain light. We love him to itty bitty pieces.
My recovery from vaginal delivery is going well, too. I had a second degree tear that my OB gave the all clear on yesterday at my 2-week postpartum visit (stitches have already dissolved, yippee!). I'm also down 40+ pounds, and my blood pressure is stabilizing (although I had a scare last Friday when I had a "visual disturbance", BP of 159/91, and fears of late onset preeclampsia). Dr. M. was right, most of my excessive weight gain was water weight (I almost wrote "precipitation"...truly, lack of sleep does some crazy stuff to the brain!). My belly is deflated and squishy, and covered in stretch marks, but I don't mind. (Actually, all those weeks of trying to prevent stretch marks by covering my skin in Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion has made my skin freakishly soft!) My ankles are totally back and slender, and the tops of my feet are finally almost back to their former unswollen selves. (I think my feet are still wider than the narrows they started out as. I'll be interested to see how they turn out when it's time for new shoes.) I'm grateful to be off Zofran (woohoo!!), my hemorrhoid is healing (double woohoo!), and all those crazy aches and pains are gone, replaced by a daily propensity to nod off and a sore back (from holding my baby all the time?). I'm thrilled with all of these things.
Things aren't smooth by any means, though. Asher and I have some pretty significant feeding challenges. When we left the hospital, we came home armed with a rented Lactina pump, a syringe and tube for supplemental feedings, a nipple shield and formula...everything I NEVER wanted. I was running on very, very little sleep (like maybe 6-8 hours total between Thursday night and Sunday night), had painful nipples and was stressed out by my son's inability or lack of desire to breastfeed. We'd heard, by discharge, many different opinions as to what was going on: small mouth, tongue thruster, biter, lower lip tucker, too smart, lazy. The lactation consultant finally saw us on Sunday afternoon (I should have called Le Leche League on Saturday!!) and sent us home with instructions to continue using the nipple shield if needed, but to try pumping to bring out my nipple so he'd latch without the shield. If that didn't work, we were to slip the feeding tube under the nipple shield and "reward" him for sucking by giving him formula. It was a three-person job: me manning the shield and providing the boob, Paul slipping the tube in and dispensing formula from the syringe, and my mom, who stayed with us during our first week home, attempting to get his lower lip flanged out. It was super frustrating and very high maintenance. I hated the pump, my nipples were killing me, and I was so, so sad that what comes easy to so many people seemed impossible for us. A few days in and we resorted to the bottle for the sake of all of us (adults, that is...Asher was well fed any way you sliced it, so he didn't care). We took Asher back to the hospital with us for an outpatient lactation consultation, where we learned that he was only "transferring" 4 mL of milk through the nipple shield (both nipples!), so were cautioned to ditch the thing all together. (I was also very, very engorged for three days, including the day of the consultation, so he wasn't getting much out of me, period.)
I suspected something more was going on, something physical. We got a referral from a pediatrician to a local ENT, who poked around his mouth and declared he had an upper lip tie (ULT), "purely cosmetic"...one that he'd either outgrow, or, if not, that would cause a space between his two front teeth, "like David Letterman's". After asking around and doing my own research, I've learned that ULTs often cause breastfeeding problems and tooth decay, AND, even worse, are usually accompanied by posterior tongue ties (PTTs), which DO cause feeding problems. Our pediatrician gave us a referral to Seattle Children's ENT department, but there are two specialists - one in Seattle and one in Portland - that Paul and I are considering instead. Both fully understand the significance of ULTs and PTTs in relation to successful breastfeeding relationships, so we would be taken seriously.
While we work to figure out who to see, I continue to pump. Today I'm ok with pumping; other days, I hate it with a white hot passion. Having visitors over really throws things off, so I end up skipping pumping sessions, which can hurt my supply (and pumping by itself can hurt my supply). I can only get Asher to latch onto my breast and feed about 50% of the times I try every day, and what seems to work (although not always) is feeding him a bit from a bottle (enough to take the edge off and stave off crying, but not too much that he's no longer hungry), pumping for at least 5 minutes on the side I want to try so that my nipple is primed and protruding far enough, and then trying, trying, trying to latch him on. He's chomped on me, made me bleed, caused cracks...but still I try. I'd rather have him latching poorly than not at all at this point. I'm also taking supplements to boost my milk supply - Mother's Milk Tea (I'd heard it tasted awful, but it's got fennel seed in it and reminds me of Indian food, which I love) and More Milk tincture (just started today). I'm also taking my encapsulated placenta as a supplement, more to help prevent recurrent postpartum depression, but also to help with my milk supply. I am getting about 1.5 to 2 ounces of milk with each pumping session, not quite enough for a meal for Asher, but getting close. Dr. M. took me off Lasix yesterday out of concerns for my milk supply, so we'll see what, if anything, that does to improve it.
Baby Boy is stirring. Thus begins the next feeding session...fill and warm a bottle, change diaper, feed baby, attempt the boob, finish feeding baby (likely), put baby down...and pump. But first, some pictures...
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| In the hospital. Look at his luscious locks! |
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| Hanging in his favorite spot. :) |
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| A very, very common sight in our house right now. |
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| Another very common sight. |
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| He is all boy! <3 |
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Joy
Our rainbow baby boy, Asher Paul, made his debut on Friday, June 21st at 10:10 p.m. He weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces and measured 19 inches long and is perfect and healthy. We are in love, in awe, and still can't believe he's really here...really ours.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
38 weeks - and a plan
This is officially our last week of pregnancy. We are being induced a week from today, Tuesday, June 25th, at 39 weeks exactly...provided my meds don't let us down and force an earlier delivery. Unbelievable!
*****
How Far Along: E2 is 38 weeks today. He's ready to be "on the outside"!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Hmm. As of yesterday, an ungodly amount - an extra, and unexplainable, 4 lb gain over last Monday's appointment. Not good. By my calculations (pre-pregnancy), I'm up 45 pounds. By Dr. M.'s, more like 40. I'm noticing that I'm not peeing as much (volume-wise) and am having more trouble with perma-swelling of my feet and right hand, so I think a lot of it is fluid. (Must be, because I truly haven't been eating as much lately as before. It's actually harder for me to stick to a schedule being home than it was at work.)
Maternity Clothes: Yes. My pants are more snug in the hips than ever before, which makes sense based on how painful my hips, pubic bone and lower back feel. I'm pretty sure everything down there is spreading out in anticipation of delivery. Now I'm starting to wonder what I'll wear after he comes. :)
Movement: This kiddo's knobby bits are getting uncomfortable. I think the biggest culprit is either his heel or his knee, and boy, does he ever like to jab me with it!
Sleep: Pretty hit and miss. One night over the past week I got no more than 4 hours of sleep. I just couldn't. It really sucked.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Belly Button In or Out: Out.
Freak-out of the Week: None, really. Lots of daily tears. Last Thursday's NST at the hospital didn't go well. This time it wasn't me, it was E2 not participating. He slept soundly through the first half of it, so they gave me cranberry juice to wake him up. That worked a bit, but instead of showing the necessary 15 beat-per-minute increase in heart rate each time he moved, he either showed little increase or a decrease. Um, HELLO!! Not cool. The nurse was great, and decided a biophysical profile was probably in order. She called Dr. M., who concurred. I had to wait for the transport guy to fetch me from L&D with a wheelchair and whiz me down hallways, up a level in the elevator, and down another long hallway to the ultrasound room. Baby did fine during the BPP, although he waited until the last few minutes to practice breathing for the required 30 seconds. He did do it, and passed the BPP with a score of 8 out of 8. Until then, I was really starting to wonder whether we'd be induced that day. Thankfully, no.
Looking Forward To: Hopefully having a good NST on Thursday and making it to induction smoothly. And, obviously, meeting this baby boy and seeing who he looks like. I'm ready to get this show on the road. My pubic bone and hips hurt enough that I grimace every time I
stand up from a seated position and try to walk. I'm sure recovering from childbirth will be no picnic, but I can't imagine having *this* pain continue to get worse every couple of days like it has been over the past week. Also, having the nursery and guest room done, the furniture put back into the rooms (or assembled in the room for the first time, in the case of the nursery), so I can have my house back. :)
Miscellaneous: This week has been filled with helper angels. Our sister-in-law's older sister has come over twice to paint in the nursery and has done a beautiful job. I love the color. My poor colorblind husband can't really see it so thinks it's white (it's not, it's a pale aqua), but I love how it changes as the light changes. It'll be perfect with the fabrics I bought for the nursery. We're waiting on carpet installation, and then we can put everything together. Yesterday, Paul's sister surprised me with a visit and spent the entire day weeding our overgrown yard, which, as you know, has been a sore spot for me the last while. She brought a pick axe (!) and put it to good use. I feel such relief, and I know Paul does, too. It's not lost on me, though, that once this baby is here, we probably won't care WHAT our property looks like, nor will we have time to. :)
*****
How Far Along: E2 is 38 weeks today. He's ready to be "on the outside"!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Hmm. As of yesterday, an ungodly amount - an extra, and unexplainable, 4 lb gain over last Monday's appointment. Not good. By my calculations (pre-pregnancy), I'm up 45 pounds. By Dr. M.'s, more like 40. I'm noticing that I'm not peeing as much (volume-wise) and am having more trouble with perma-swelling of my feet and right hand, so I think a lot of it is fluid. (Must be, because I truly haven't been eating as much lately as before. It's actually harder for me to stick to a schedule being home than it was at work.)
Maternity Clothes: Yes. My pants are more snug in the hips than ever before, which makes sense based on how painful my hips, pubic bone and lower back feel. I'm pretty sure everything down there is spreading out in anticipation of delivery. Now I'm starting to wonder what I'll wear after he comes. :)
Movement: This kiddo's knobby bits are getting uncomfortable. I think the biggest culprit is either his heel or his knee, and boy, does he ever like to jab me with it!
Sleep: Pretty hit and miss. One night over the past week I got no more than 4 hours of sleep. I just couldn't. It really sucked.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Belly Button In or Out: Out.
Freak-out of the Week: None, really. Lots of daily tears. Last Thursday's NST at the hospital didn't go well. This time it wasn't me, it was E2 not participating. He slept soundly through the first half of it, so they gave me cranberry juice to wake him up. That worked a bit, but instead of showing the necessary 15 beat-per-minute increase in heart rate each time he moved, he either showed little increase or a decrease. Um, HELLO!! Not cool. The nurse was great, and decided a biophysical profile was probably in order. She called Dr. M., who concurred. I had to wait for the transport guy to fetch me from L&D with a wheelchair and whiz me down hallways, up a level in the elevator, and down another long hallway to the ultrasound room. Baby did fine during the BPP, although he waited until the last few minutes to practice breathing for the required 30 seconds. He did do it, and passed the BPP with a score of 8 out of 8. Until then, I was really starting to wonder whether we'd be induced that day. Thankfully, no.
Looking Forward To: Hopefully having a good NST on Thursday and making it to induction smoothly. And, obviously, meeting this baby boy and seeing who he looks like. I'm ready to get this show on the road. My pubic bone and hips hurt enough that I grimace every time I
Miscellaneous: This week has been filled with helper angels. Our sister-in-law's older sister has come over twice to paint in the nursery and has done a beautiful job. I love the color. My poor colorblind husband can't really see it so thinks it's white (it's not, it's a pale aqua), but I love how it changes as the light changes. It'll be perfect with the fabrics I bought for the nursery. We're waiting on carpet installation, and then we can put everything together. Yesterday, Paul's sister surprised me with a visit and spent the entire day weeding our overgrown yard, which, as you know, has been a sore spot for me the last while. She brought a pick axe (!) and put it to good use. I feel such relief, and I know Paul does, too. It's not lost on me, though, that once this baby is here, we probably won't care WHAT our property looks like, nor will we have time to. :)
 |
| E2 at 37w6d with his hand by his mouth (and chubby cheek). |
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| The belly at 38 weeks. Dropped much? |
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Full term - 37 weeks
How Far Along: 37 weeks today. If E2 is gaining an ounce per day as things I read say he should be, he's likely over 8 pounds now, and the length of a full-sized baby.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: My weight gain finally slowed down, signaling I'm closer to delivery. Woohoo! I only gained a pound over last week.
Maternity Clothes: Yes.
Movement: Moving and shaking a lot every day. His knobby bits (elbows? heels? knees?) are sometimes causing discomfort when he really pushes them out, and his little butt gets shoved up and out all the time. He's been practice breathing a lot. Last night we got to watch him breathe for probably five minutes or more, my belly making tiny rhythmic movements over his back. It was awesome!
Sleep: A little better lately, although I awoke hungry really early this morning. I was able to go back to sleep for about an hour and a half, which was nice.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: More Braxton Hicks, uncomfortable movements from baby, significant pubic bone and hip pain (making getting up from a seated position really tricky and cumbersome), walking REALLY slow now, lower back pain (center of gravity changing much?!). I'm back on Zofran, but I know the end is near for that particular drug in my life.
Cravings: None, really.
Belly Button In or Out: Outie. It still looks like a nose to me. :)
Freak-out of the Week: Nesting gone awry. Our property is a full time job at just shy of 3 acres, most of it pasture grass (which likes to seed everywhere we don't want it to), vegetable garden and a perennial garden all along the front of the house (something I'd always wanted, but now that I have it, not so much). We do pretty well when we both can participate in upkeep, but when I've been unable to give it my all since September, it's all gone to hell. Family has come two weekends to paint, and that's a huge help, but the outside has been stressing me out...something about bad first impressions, you know? Today a friend and former co-worker came and spent 3 hours power weeding - in the rain, no less! She's amazing and looking outside, I feel so much better. There's still so much to do, but what I see gives me hope. Another friend will be coming over one evening this week to paint the nursery, which isn't done yet. The carpet for both rooms should reach the store later this week and be installed next week, and then we can put our house back together and move furniture back where it belongs. The crib should arrive early next week, we have baby's dresser (can't wait to put all his clothes and things away!), and one of these days we'll choose a nursery chair. We need to buy blinds, light fixtures and door knobs for both rooms still, but that won't be bad. I can't wait to have these things all finished. Unfinished projects have caused me so much stress over the last couple of months!
Looking Forward To: Learning I'm progressing toward labor...whenever that happens (not yet so much!). Also, attending the 2013 Western Washington Rock & Walk event for The TEARS Foundation on Saturday (hopefully, provided I can manage it) in honor of our twins. It was so meaningful last year. We're both really looking forward to it.
Next Appointment: Thursday morning at St. Pete's for another NST, then back to Dr. M.'s Monday for NST and a fluid scan.
Miscellaneous: I had yet another good NST at Dr. M.'s yesterday. Everything continues to go well. I do have increased swelling (he demonstrated his ability to leave dents in the tops of my feet with his thumbs, and called my edema "1+"), but my BP was acceptable at 132/67. Not stellar, but not bad by any means. Baby rocked his NST, and I only had a few little Braxton Hicks. Dr. M. swabbed me for the Group B Strep test to determine whether I'll need IV antibiotics during labor (I predict yes, based on previous history, but we'll see), and Sierra made him check my cervix, because "inquiring minds want to know"! He said, "Well, normally I wouldn't, but since I'm already down here..." Ha ha! My cervix felt long and mostly closed still, not too thin but very soft, and baby's head is at a -2 station (meaning not yet engaged...he has 2 cm to go). He mentioned again delivering before my due date based on Dr. E's recommendation. I asked for clarity...are we talking AT 39 weeks, or DURING my 39th week, or BY my 39th week? He said baby will certainly come in June (my 39th week starts June 25th), and if anything indicates a problem, like reduced fluid levels, poor NST response by E2, or increased edema or higher BP for me, then he'll deliver me earlier. So...still pretty vague, but within the next 2+ weeks, E2 should be here. Wow. Not only is that hard to believe, but it's even more mind-blowing that Paul and I both feel ready, at least emotionally...and, at least, right now.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: My weight gain finally slowed down, signaling I'm closer to delivery. Woohoo! I only gained a pound over last week.
Maternity Clothes: Yes.
Movement: Moving and shaking a lot every day. His knobby bits (elbows? heels? knees?) are sometimes causing discomfort when he really pushes them out, and his little butt gets shoved up and out all the time. He's been practice breathing a lot. Last night we got to watch him breathe for probably five minutes or more, my belly making tiny rhythmic movements over his back. It was awesome!
Sleep: A little better lately, although I awoke hungry really early this morning. I was able to go back to sleep for about an hour and a half, which was nice.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: More Braxton Hicks, uncomfortable movements from baby, significant pubic bone and hip pain (making getting up from a seated position really tricky and cumbersome), walking REALLY slow now, lower back pain (center of gravity changing much?!). I'm back on Zofran, but I know the end is near for that particular drug in my life.
Cravings: None, really.
Belly Button In or Out: Outie. It still looks like a nose to me. :)
Freak-out of the Week: Nesting gone awry. Our property is a full time job at just shy of 3 acres, most of it pasture grass (which likes to seed everywhere we don't want it to), vegetable garden and a perennial garden all along the front of the house (something I'd always wanted, but now that I have it, not so much). We do pretty well when we both can participate in upkeep, but when I've been unable to give it my all since September, it's all gone to hell. Family has come two weekends to paint, and that's a huge help, but the outside has been stressing me out...something about bad first impressions, you know? Today a friend and former co-worker came and spent 3 hours power weeding - in the rain, no less! She's amazing and looking outside, I feel so much better. There's still so much to do, but what I see gives me hope. Another friend will be coming over one evening this week to paint the nursery, which isn't done yet. The carpet for both rooms should reach the store later this week and be installed next week, and then we can put our house back together and move furniture back where it belongs. The crib should arrive early next week, we have baby's dresser (can't wait to put all his clothes and things away!), and one of these days we'll choose a nursery chair. We need to buy blinds, light fixtures and door knobs for both rooms still, but that won't be bad. I can't wait to have these things all finished. Unfinished projects have caused me so much stress over the last couple of months!
Looking Forward To: Learning I'm progressing toward labor...whenever that happens (not yet so much!). Also, attending the 2013 Western Washington Rock & Walk event for The TEARS Foundation on Saturday (hopefully, provided I can manage it) in honor of our twins. It was so meaningful last year. We're both really looking forward to it.
Next Appointment: Thursday morning at St. Pete's for another NST, then back to Dr. M.'s Monday for NST and a fluid scan.
Miscellaneous: I had yet another good NST at Dr. M.'s yesterday. Everything continues to go well. I do have increased swelling (he demonstrated his ability to leave dents in the tops of my feet with his thumbs, and called my edema "1+"), but my BP was acceptable at 132/67. Not stellar, but not bad by any means. Baby rocked his NST, and I only had a few little Braxton Hicks. Dr. M. swabbed me for the Group B Strep test to determine whether I'll need IV antibiotics during labor (I predict yes, based on previous history, but we'll see), and Sierra made him check my cervix, because "inquiring minds want to know"! He said, "Well, normally I wouldn't, but since I'm already down here..." Ha ha! My cervix felt long and mostly closed still, not too thin but very soft, and baby's head is at a -2 station (meaning not yet engaged...he has 2 cm to go). He mentioned again delivering before my due date based on Dr. E's recommendation. I asked for clarity...are we talking AT 39 weeks, or DURING my 39th week, or BY my 39th week? He said baby will certainly come in June (my 39th week starts June 25th), and if anything indicates a problem, like reduced fluid levels, poor NST response by E2, or increased edema or higher BP for me, then he'll deliver me earlier. So...still pretty vague, but within the next 2+ weeks, E2 should be here. Wow. Not only is that hard to believe, but it's even more mind-blowing that Paul and I both feel ready, at least emotionally...and, at least, right now.
 |
| The belly at 37 weeks. |
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
36 weeks
How on earth did we get here? The last six or so weeks have gone by so, so fast, it's completely mind-blowing. We are three weeks - or probably less - from meeting E2, from confronting a different labor and delivery than the only one we've known, from a different hospital experience. It's so much to think about.
******
How Far Along: 36 weeks today. E2 is giant. He should be the size of a head of romaine lettuce (height-wise), and weigh over 5 pounds. I have an update on his weight, though. Crikey.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I gained two pounds over last week. Huh.
Maternity Clothes: Yes.
Movement: This kiddo really likes distorting my belly these days, pushing his little butt out and to the right several times a day. He's stretching a lot more, too, which gets uncomfortable.
Sleep: Horrid the last few days. Last night I was in a murderous mood, between the heat (mostly generated by E2, he's slowly killing me from the inside out), Paul's mouth-breathing and bed-hogging, the cat screwing around in E2's pack & play (don't even get me started on that!), and the dog scratching on the door to go out four times in about 20 minutes during the middle of the night - plus the fact that I just can't sleep for crap anymore. I am starting to wonder if all of this is preparing for E2's inevitable arrival and overnight needs. Oy.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: More Braxton Hicks (more on that below), uncomfortable movements from baby, sleep issues...but you know what?! I made it through this entire day without Zofran!!!!!
Cravings: None, really.
Belly Button In or Out: 100% out. Crazytown!
Freak-out of the Week: Ha ha ha. Major freak outs this week. Let's see: there was last Thursday's "routine" NST at St. Pete's, which turned into 3 hours of continuous monitoring and a cervical check for me because I was contracting the entire time (diagnosis: slight dehydration and irritable uterus, but only dilated to a loose 1 cm, no more than 50% effaced, and baby's head was not engaged in my pelvis). That really freaked me out, mostly because I couldn't even feel them, except for three. A lot of the contractions were large, too...I remembered seeing my friend EJ's monitor during her induced labor and the nurse saying they wanted to see contractions over 50...and some of mine were 80-90. And I couldn't even feel them. Holy crap. Talk about lack of confidence now in reading my body during labor!
The second freak out was yesterday morning. I had another NST scheduled, this time at Dr. M.'s office. Prior to that, I drove into a specialty lingerie shop - pounding water because I could feel contractions and so didn't want a repeat of Thursday's NST at Dr. M.'s later - and got fitted for a couple of "transitional" maternity bras, super stretchy and comfy but with nursing flaps to get me through until I am fitted for "real" nursing bras two weeks postpartum. I cried on the way there. See, I slept very poorly the night before and had several really vivid, scary dreams. Yes, some of that is normal pre-delivery anxiety, but some of it is baby loss trauma. And it sucks. In one, Dr. M. gave me a personal tour of the Family Birth Center, where we'll deliver, and took me into room LL07, where the twins delivered. He was pointing out the Jacuzzi tub and stuff...yeah yeah yeah, we know what's in that room. I in turn pointed out where I delivered Aliya, where I started vomiting uncontrollably, where Paul struggled to get his pants on after waking up in the middle of Bennett's delivery, where the babies lay on the counter as they rushed me in for the D&C, where they were displayed in their bassinet at the foot of my bed for the rest of my 36-hour stay. This part, I know, came in my dreams because we've been faced with whether or not to request a Jacuzzi tub for labor this time, and there are only two in the hospital, room LL07 and LL08 (across the hall, where another family experienced a loss during my stay, based on the tear posted on their door). I awoke from my dreams feeling both overwhelmed with fear that I would contract again during the NST and end up induced or delivering, but also fears of cord accidents the further along we get. Paul and I are taking turns with this fear, thankfully...I can't imagine if we were both struck with this at the same time.
The appointment at Dr. M.'s, incidentally, was just fine. Baby passed the NST with flying colors, I didn't contract, I have plenty of fluid, and E2 is massive...approximately 7 pounds 11 ounces at this point. Dr. M. still refers to his little paper chart, which indicates E2 is in the 85th percentile, but UW's measurements (and Dr. M.'s own ultrasound machine) indicate he's actually in the 94th percentile. His head is still every bit as big, and is actually swaying the measurements. Lucky me!
Looking Forward To: I would say another good NST on Thursday, but I appear to have jinxed myself last week, so...
Next Appointment: Thursday morning at St. Pete's for another NST, then back to Dr. M.'s Monday for NST and a fluid scan.
Miscellaneous: I was blessed enough yesterday to be surprised at my NST/ultrasound appointment by my dear friend, her hubby and their baby boy (12 weeks old today!), who is E2's BFF. I swear, it's like she read my mind and knew I needed support. Seeing them in the parking lot made my day, and to find out they'd actually stalked me made it all the better. She and the baby kept me company during both my NST and ultrasound, and it was marvelous. Love you, EJ!!!
******
How Far Along: 36 weeks today. E2 is giant. He should be the size of a head of romaine lettuce (height-wise), and weigh over 5 pounds. I have an update on his weight, though. Crikey.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I gained two pounds over last week. Huh.
Maternity Clothes: Yes.
Movement: This kiddo really likes distorting my belly these days, pushing his little butt out and to the right several times a day. He's stretching a lot more, too, which gets uncomfortable.
Sleep: Horrid the last few days. Last night I was in a murderous mood, between the heat (mostly generated by E2, he's slowly killing me from the inside out), Paul's mouth-breathing and bed-hogging, the cat screwing around in E2's pack & play (don't even get me started on that!), and the dog scratching on the door to go out four times in about 20 minutes during the middle of the night - plus the fact that I just can't sleep for crap anymore. I am starting to wonder if all of this is preparing for E2's inevitable arrival and overnight needs. Oy.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: More Braxton Hicks (more on that below), uncomfortable movements from baby, sleep issues...but you know what?! I made it through this entire day without Zofran!!!!!
Cravings: None, really.
Belly Button In or Out: 100% out. Crazytown!
Freak-out of the Week: Ha ha ha. Major freak outs this week. Let's see: there was last Thursday's "routine" NST at St. Pete's, which turned into 3 hours of continuous monitoring and a cervical check for me because I was contracting the entire time (diagnosis: slight dehydration and irritable uterus, but only dilated to a loose 1 cm, no more than 50% effaced, and baby's head was not engaged in my pelvis). That really freaked me out, mostly because I couldn't even feel them, except for three. A lot of the contractions were large, too...I remembered seeing my friend EJ's monitor during her induced labor and the nurse saying they wanted to see contractions over 50...and some of mine were 80-90. And I couldn't even feel them. Holy crap. Talk about lack of confidence now in reading my body during labor!
The second freak out was yesterday morning. I had another NST scheduled, this time at Dr. M.'s office. Prior to that, I drove into a specialty lingerie shop - pounding water because I could feel contractions and so didn't want a repeat of Thursday's NST at Dr. M.'s later - and got fitted for a couple of "transitional" maternity bras, super stretchy and comfy but with nursing flaps to get me through until I am fitted for "real" nursing bras two weeks postpartum. I cried on the way there. See, I slept very poorly the night before and had several really vivid, scary dreams. Yes, some of that is normal pre-delivery anxiety, but some of it is baby loss trauma. And it sucks. In one, Dr. M. gave me a personal tour of the Family Birth Center, where we'll deliver, and took me into room LL07, where the twins delivered. He was pointing out the Jacuzzi tub and stuff...yeah yeah yeah, we know what's in that room. I in turn pointed out where I delivered Aliya, where I started vomiting uncontrollably, where Paul struggled to get his pants on after waking up in the middle of Bennett's delivery, where the babies lay on the counter as they rushed me in for the D&C, where they were displayed in their bassinet at the foot of my bed for the rest of my 36-hour stay. This part, I know, came in my dreams because we've been faced with whether or not to request a Jacuzzi tub for labor this time, and there are only two in the hospital, room LL07 and LL08 (across the hall, where another family experienced a loss during my stay, based on the tear posted on their door). I awoke from my dreams feeling both overwhelmed with fear that I would contract again during the NST and end up induced or delivering, but also fears of cord accidents the further along we get. Paul and I are taking turns with this fear, thankfully...I can't imagine if we were both struck with this at the same time.
The appointment at Dr. M.'s, incidentally, was just fine. Baby passed the NST with flying colors, I didn't contract, I have plenty of fluid, and E2 is massive...approximately 7 pounds 11 ounces at this point. Dr. M. still refers to his little paper chart, which indicates E2 is in the 85th percentile, but UW's measurements (and Dr. M.'s own ultrasound machine) indicate he's actually in the 94th percentile. His head is still every bit as big, and is actually swaying the measurements. Lucky me!
Looking Forward To: I would say another good NST on Thursday, but I appear to have jinxed myself last week, so...
Next Appointment: Thursday morning at St. Pete's for another NST, then back to Dr. M.'s Monday for NST and a fluid scan.
Miscellaneous: I was blessed enough yesterday to be surprised at my NST/ultrasound appointment by my dear friend, her hubby and their baby boy (12 weeks old today!), who is E2's BFF. I swear, it's like she read my mind and knew I needed support. Seeing them in the parking lot made my day, and to find out they'd actually stalked me made it all the better. She and the baby kept me company during both my NST and ultrasound, and it was marvelous. Love you, EJ!!!
 |
| The belly at 36 weeks. My shirts feel a little short! |
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
35 weeks 1 day
How Far Along: 35 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh about 5 1/4 pounds and be 20 inches long. The length is probably about right. The weight...not so much!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: According to Dr. M.'s scale yesterday, I actually lost three pounds compared to my previous visit there. I was up 0.6 pounds from last Thursday's UW appointment...but that's still better for me. It's probably lost water weight.
Maternity Clothes: Always.
Movement: E2's movements are large enough that Paul's actually seeing my belly morph out of the corner of his eye. I'm getting a lot of little knob-like movements across portions of my belly, either elbows, knees or feet. I can't tell which is which, but it feels really strange.
Sleep: Except for the last two days (not sure why), better overall.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: More ligament pains this week, especially on the right side.
Cravings: Still none.
Belly Button In or Out: Closer to 90-95% outie now, although it still goes flat sometimes, depending on how E2 is positioned.
Freak-out of the Week: Just missing my babies. A lot.
Looking Forward To: Another good non-stress test tomorrow morning.
Next Appointment: Tomorrow morning at St. Pete's for another NST, and then back to Dr. M.'s on Monday for an NST, fluid measurement and quick baby survey. I'm on the twice-a-week NST protocol, i.e. "very heavily monitored" per Dr. M.
Miscellaneous: Last Thursday's appointments at UW turned out ok. Dr. E. wasn't all bad. In fact, I sort of liked his sense of humor (although he decided to tell me why I'm infertile - and he was wrong - so I corrected him...he clearly doesn't know everything). The first appointment of the morning was with his two nurses for an UltraCom, which is this old-school ultrasound of something in the heart (artery?) and a vessel in the throat to measure cardiac output. Those results were charted on this graph...needless to say, I was off the chart (in a bad way) on both, even though I'd been on a beta blocker for three days by then. Incidentally, my BP was 146/83...not my finest.
The second appointment was a non-stress test, Paul's first. E2 decided to nap through the first 10 minutes, so the nurse had to get the buzzer. Poor little guy...they put this weird microphone/vibrator thing on my belly and buzz for a solid several seconds, and I could literally feel his whole body jump (startle) in my uterus. It took two tries...the first time, he jumped but kept on sleeping! After the second trry, he woke up and performed well, solidly passing the test. Whew.
The final appointment of the morning was with Dr. E. Paul was getting pretty pissed as we sat there waiting for over an hour in that tiny exam room while we could hear Dr. E. in the hallway. Oh, well...how is that any different than being at Dr. M.'s?! Dr. E's senior fellow came in and asked some questions, and then we waited a bit longer before she and Dr. E. finally came back in. Dr. E. said that while I do indeed have hypertension, mine is the easiest kind to treat. (I honestly took that as a compliment. It's been a very rare occasion over the last three years that anything related to my health or reproduction is classified as "easy".) Since the beta blocker had successfully lowered my heart rate into the normal range in just three days, there was nothing more they could safely do with that drug. Dr. E. said my heart was beating really hard to work at pushing all my extra fluids through my body (as opposed to beating faster to do it, like it had been without the beta blocker), so I needed to shed some extra fluid. He prescribed a diuretic, along with potassium to keep my electrolytes in balance, and said he won't need to see me again. He did say that E2 will need to come no later than my 39th week (and that baby would likely come sooner than that), and that Dr. M. would need to monitor me very closely so that at the first sign of any further BP issues or problems with the baby, I could be delivered right away. The first night I took the diuretic I developed a headache, followed by dizziness, so I paged Dr. M., who assured me it was ok and sent me off to bed. Even though warned I'd pee like a race horse, that hasn't been my experience. My feet look better each morning (a tiny bit swollen, but not like before), and they will swell, as will my hands and face a bit, if I'm upright for too long, but it really is better.
Paul and I had minor freak outs the rest of the weekend, just the stress of not knowing how soon E2 could be here. We stopped at IKEA on our way home from our UW appointments and bought baby's dresser, then met our doula for a late lunch/early dinner and talked through our birth plan, which I drafted and e-mailed for edits Monday. We have since looked at cribs (we're ever closer) and have cancelled two carpet-shopping appointments because our schedules aren't working out well. My mom and stepdad came over on Saturday and were priming machines, getting the ceilings, trim and closet doors knocked out in both the nursery and guest room. I ordered the fabrics for the nursery and expect them today or tomorrow, so I can finalize the paint colors for the nursery (we're doing wide stripes). I still need bedding for the guest room so I can choose color for those walls, too. And, our sister-in-law came over Monday with several boxes of our nephew's hand-me-downs, and helped me with baby laundry and setting up the pack and play in our bedroom. This week I'll work on packing my hospital bags, just in case, and getting the car seat installed (also a just in case). Having those last two done will really help with my peace of mind, I expect.
I had my first NST with Dr. M. yesterday, which was fine (E2 passed it right away, just like the very first NST, but had to stay on the monitor 20 minutes and slept through the last 10-15 minutes). We also had a quick ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid levels, which were fine (and not quick, since I had to wait a good 40 minutes for the ultrasound room to become available). (Funny Dr. M. moment of the day, as he scanned the first fluid pocket in the upper left portion of my uterus: "Oh, there are the little boy parts. We'll scan right here. The little boy parts are the fountain," [i.e. fluid-creator].)
I asked Dr. M. about an induction timeline, and he's back to erring on the side of the "experts", so now he's saying we might make it to 39 weeks, even though last Tuesday night I'll have my last 17P shot (to prevent preterm labor). I don't know now whether to expect baby to possibly be here in another 2 weeks, or another month. I get that lying down has obvious benefits to my BP and swelling, but another month of this will get really old. Dr. E. thought I could possibly sit up at a desk and telecommute, but absolutely did not want me commuting into an office job. Dr. M. is the one who had pulled me off of work to begin with, and I forgot to ask him yesterday how he feels about telecommuting (probably because I was there for exactly 3 hours for an hour-long appointment...par for the course). I still need to talk to HR to find out what my options are, and then to my boss to figure out what I can actually do from home. It's all very confusing to me, and I'm afraid of both biting off more than I can chew and of under-committing and being bored out of my noggin the next four or so weeks (if baby comes at 39 weeks). I guess none of this is supposed to be predictable...
Total Weight Gain/Loss: According to Dr. M.'s scale yesterday, I actually lost three pounds compared to my previous visit there. I was up 0.6 pounds from last Thursday's UW appointment...but that's still better for me. It's probably lost water weight.
Maternity Clothes: Always.
Movement: E2's movements are large enough that Paul's actually seeing my belly morph out of the corner of his eye. I'm getting a lot of little knob-like movements across portions of my belly, either elbows, knees or feet. I can't tell which is which, but it feels really strange.
Sleep: Except for the last two days (not sure why), better overall.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: More ligament pains this week, especially on the right side.
Cravings: Still none.
Belly Button In or Out: Closer to 90-95% outie now, although it still goes flat sometimes, depending on how E2 is positioned.
Freak-out of the Week: Just missing my babies. A lot.
Looking Forward To: Another good non-stress test tomorrow morning.
Next Appointment: Tomorrow morning at St. Pete's for another NST, and then back to Dr. M.'s on Monday for an NST, fluid measurement and quick baby survey. I'm on the twice-a-week NST protocol, i.e. "very heavily monitored" per Dr. M.
Miscellaneous: Last Thursday's appointments at UW turned out ok. Dr. E. wasn't all bad. In fact, I sort of liked his sense of humor (although he decided to tell me why I'm infertile - and he was wrong - so I corrected him...he clearly doesn't know everything). The first appointment of the morning was with his two nurses for an UltraCom, which is this old-school ultrasound of something in the heart (artery?) and a vessel in the throat to measure cardiac output. Those results were charted on this graph...needless to say, I was off the chart (in a bad way) on both, even though I'd been on a beta blocker for three days by then. Incidentally, my BP was 146/83...not my finest.
The second appointment was a non-stress test, Paul's first. E2 decided to nap through the first 10 minutes, so the nurse had to get the buzzer. Poor little guy...they put this weird microphone/vibrator thing on my belly and buzz for a solid several seconds, and I could literally feel his whole body jump (startle) in my uterus. It took two tries...the first time, he jumped but kept on sleeping! After the second trry, he woke up and performed well, solidly passing the test. Whew.
The final appointment of the morning was with Dr. E. Paul was getting pretty pissed as we sat there waiting for over an hour in that tiny exam room while we could hear Dr. E. in the hallway. Oh, well...how is that any different than being at Dr. M.'s?! Dr. E's senior fellow came in and asked some questions, and then we waited a bit longer before she and Dr. E. finally came back in. Dr. E. said that while I do indeed have hypertension, mine is the easiest kind to treat. (I honestly took that as a compliment. It's been a very rare occasion over the last three years that anything related to my health or reproduction is classified as "easy".) Since the beta blocker had successfully lowered my heart rate into the normal range in just three days, there was nothing more they could safely do with that drug. Dr. E. said my heart was beating really hard to work at pushing all my extra fluids through my body (as opposed to beating faster to do it, like it had been without the beta blocker), so I needed to shed some extra fluid. He prescribed a diuretic, along with potassium to keep my electrolytes in balance, and said he won't need to see me again. He did say that E2 will need to come no later than my 39th week (and that baby would likely come sooner than that), and that Dr. M. would need to monitor me very closely so that at the first sign of any further BP issues or problems with the baby, I could be delivered right away. The first night I took the diuretic I developed a headache, followed by dizziness, so I paged Dr. M., who assured me it was ok and sent me off to bed. Even though warned I'd pee like a race horse, that hasn't been my experience. My feet look better each morning (a tiny bit swollen, but not like before), and they will swell, as will my hands and face a bit, if I'm upright for too long, but it really is better.
Paul and I had minor freak outs the rest of the weekend, just the stress of not knowing how soon E2 could be here. We stopped at IKEA on our way home from our UW appointments and bought baby's dresser, then met our doula for a late lunch/early dinner and talked through our birth plan, which I drafted and e-mailed for edits Monday. We have since looked at cribs (we're ever closer) and have cancelled two carpet-shopping appointments because our schedules aren't working out well. My mom and stepdad came over on Saturday and were priming machines, getting the ceilings, trim and closet doors knocked out in both the nursery and guest room. I ordered the fabrics for the nursery and expect them today or tomorrow, so I can finalize the paint colors for the nursery (we're doing wide stripes). I still need bedding for the guest room so I can choose color for those walls, too. And, our sister-in-law came over Monday with several boxes of our nephew's hand-me-downs, and helped me with baby laundry and setting up the pack and play in our bedroom. This week I'll work on packing my hospital bags, just in case, and getting the car seat installed (also a just in case). Having those last two done will really help with my peace of mind, I expect.
I had my first NST with Dr. M. yesterday, which was fine (E2 passed it right away, just like the very first NST, but had to stay on the monitor 20 minutes and slept through the last 10-15 minutes). We also had a quick ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid levels, which were fine (and not quick, since I had to wait a good 40 minutes for the ultrasound room to become available). (Funny Dr. M. moment of the day, as he scanned the first fluid pocket in the upper left portion of my uterus: "Oh, there are the little boy parts. We'll scan right here. The little boy parts are the fountain," [i.e. fluid-creator].)
I asked Dr. M. about an induction timeline, and he's back to erring on the side of the "experts", so now he's saying we might make it to 39 weeks, even though last Tuesday night I'll have my last 17P shot (to prevent preterm labor). I don't know now whether to expect baby to possibly be here in another 2 weeks, or another month. I get that lying down has obvious benefits to my BP and swelling, but another month of this will get really old. Dr. E. thought I could possibly sit up at a desk and telecommute, but absolutely did not want me commuting into an office job. Dr. M. is the one who had pulled me off of work to begin with, and I forgot to ask him yesterday how he feels about telecommuting (probably because I was there for exactly 3 hours for an hour-long appointment...par for the course). I still need to talk to HR to find out what my options are, and then to my boss to figure out what I can actually do from home. It's all very confusing to me, and I'm afraid of both biting off more than I can chew and of under-committing and being bored out of my noggin the next four or so weeks (if baby comes at 39 weeks). I guess none of this is supposed to be predictable...
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
34 weeks 1 day - and coming off the rails?
How Far Along: 34 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh, oh, a lot less than he actually does. He's far beyond the standard fruit charts now...and I feel it!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Up six pounds Monday from the previous two weeks ago, almost entirely water weight. More on that below.
Maternity Clothes: Always.
Movement: Big movements now. It feels like he's staking claim to much more of my uterus at once than before, stretching side to side, or up and to the side. My belly now obviously changes shape, especially when I'm lying down. It's fun to watch Paul's eyes go wide!
Sleep: Better, although the rib pain from earlier has returned.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Nothing new, except that I walked up a flight of stairs yesterday and could feel my upper thighs touching my belly with each step. That was a new one. Perhaps baby has started to drop into my pelvis a bit more.
Cravings: Still none...but I certainly won't turn down a piece of baby shower cake!
Belly Button In or Out: It's much more inside out this week, not 100%, but probably 85-90%.
Freak-out of the Week: It's been a very stressful, emotional week. More on that below.
Looking Forward To: Um, I'm no longer sure, except to say, probably, keeping E2 baking for at least another couple of weeks (knocking on wood!).
Next Appointment: Ugh. Tomorrow, May 23rd at (gulp!) 7:40 a.m. at UW (cruel and unusual punishment!) for three appointments with the blood pressure clinic, one of which is to see Dr. E., the blood pressure specialist I've been trying to avoid since October.
Miscellaneous: OMG, what a week+.
We had our second growth scan at UW on Thursday of last week. Paul was unable to come, but I brought my mom, grandma and aunt for their first ever ultrasound experience. That part came first, and it was pretty cool. Our tech was really sweet and described everything she saw and measured. We got to see him swallowing, which was awesome. Baby is still ginormous (6 lb 4 oz as of Thursday, measuring an average of 3 weeks ahead, size-wise). Then, she surprised us by switching probes and turning the machine to 3D! I didn't even know they could/would do that! The images weren't fabulous because E2 had his hand/arm in front of his face and his umbilical cord was floating in front of his mouth and chin, but she cut away some of the interference and printed us a profile. (I'll share it below.) It was pretty cool.
We wandered down to the cafeteria for lunch, and then came back up to see Dr. C. for my MFM follow-up. Here's where things started to go off the rails:
(Aside: to my credit, we had just eaten, Paul wasn't there with me, and the nurse who came and got me was new to me and didn't introduce herself, so I was a tiny bit stressed. Still...)
My BP, when first taken, was 140/80. That's not horrid, but it's a lot higher than usual for me when I see Dr. C. The nurse frowned, said she didn't like that, and took it again. It was 130/80. Better, but still abnormal for me in that office. She was about to leave the room, but I asked if she wanted me to pee in a cup (duh!) since I could (please? I held it just for you!). I did my business, came back to the room, and Dr. C. came in to commence our appointment. A few minutes later, the nurse came back and thrust a slip of paper to Dr. C. Ruh roh. Turns out I had a trace of protein in my urine (+1 or +2, not sure). [Cue feeling of defeat] The conversation changed immediately. Just like that, E2's size - which was to drive our appointment (because last time Dr. C. said if he was still growing "like that" she'd assume gestational diabetes, send me to a nutritionist and order me a blood sugar monitor) - was no longer a concern. Instead, my blood pressure is.
The conversation is a bit of a whirlwind, but I distinctly recall hearing, "We need to prepare for baby to be early," "If you make it to 37 weeks, that will be a bonus," "If you DO make it to 37 weeks, then we'll plan on delivering at 39 weeks," "We may need to admit you to the hospital for 24 hours of monitoring, I don't have a bed ready here or I would offer you that, although it's not medically necessary just yet..."
Just like that, my hopes for a "normal" labor and delivery started to fly out the window. Cue mini freak out: I'd been fearing that somehow, we wouldn't make it to our birthing workshop last weekend, and those threats of 24-hour inpatient monitoring - over the weekend - were scaring me. Then, too, was the thought that if he needed to come NOW, I couldn't deliver at St. Pete's in Olympia like we want to, because they can't handle babies younger than 34 weeks. (Dr. C., bless her heart, said, "It's just 5 more days, 5 more days...") Sigh. She sent me and my entourage on our way with orders for blood work before leaving the building, and another fabulous red pee jug for a 24-hour urine catch, which I was to start that night. Oh, and more warnings about the symptoms of preeclampsia. (Thankfully, the blood work was normal, negating the need for inpatient monitoring, so we were able to make it to the birthing workshop, which deserves its own post, later.)
I dutifully turned in my pee jug to Sierra at Dr. M.'s as requested on Friday evening and had more blood drawn. I still haven't gotten the results of those, but I assume no news is fine news. However...
Monday morning I woke up with a weird pressure-y feeling in my head, like I'd been clenching my jaw all night. (Hell, maybe I had...) It lingered through the morning. The pre-e symptoms came to mind...but this wasn't a headache, per se, just pressure. Then, around 10:45, I started feeling a little bit weirder, sort of light headed. Huh. I ate a cheese stick, walked up a flight of stairs to the wellness room, and took my BP. Holy shit: 177/101. Well, wait a sec...I just ate, and I walked up a flight of stairs. Trying again: 173/100. I didn't like that, either. I took it four more times. The "best" reading was 153/99, about 20 minutes from the first reading. I called Dr. M., realizing this wasn't your average "just ate a cheese stick and walked up a flight of stairs" reading.
Dr. M. grabbed the phone from Jeri, who answered and was about to seek Sierra's input, and when he heard my readings, said, "You know, I haven't agreed with this "wait and see" approach that UW has taken. I think it's lame. You should have been medicated long ago. I'm calling in a prescription and I want you to take the first dose immediately and then see me at 1:30 as scheduled." Hell. I did as instructed, and, interestingly, the pressure in my head was gone within about 30 minutes of that first dose.
My BP at Dr. M.'s office was still elevated (140-something over 80 something), so he had me lie down on my left side on the ultrasound table and Sierra took it again...a "good" 130/77. The rest of the appointment was a bit of a blur. He measured my fundal height (the height of my uterus from pubic bone to fundus, or top): 37 weeks (what???). He took a quick look at E2, who had marvelously, miraculously turned head down since the last growth scan and our birthing workshop (good boy!!!). He measured my cervix quickly (still long and closed at 4.1 cm). He wrote "Stop Work Order" in my chart and ordered me on modified home bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. He concurred with Dr. C. that E2 will be coming sooner than expected, and said he hopes bed rest and the BP medicine (a beta blocker) will "squeak out another couple of weeks" in this pregnancy. I have to go see Dr. E. at UW tomorrow for the consultation because apparently starting BP meds this late in the game won't help much, and he wants another opinion as to whether anything else can be done to effectively control my BP at this point, in hopes that we stave off preeclampsia. (He was not happy with the state of my feet on Monday, either, and I have to say, my right foot was freakishly swollen and SO gross looking!)
So, there you have it...Paul and I spent Monday night sharing a mini panic about how soon baby might be here and how ill prepared we are. We have family coming this weekend to help prime the nursery and guest room trim and ceilings for paint, and our sister-in-law is coming Monday to help me sort baby clothes and do laundry (although, for the sake of pulling stuff together for my hospital bag, I might start a little load today). Eek. A friend reminded me (thank you, T!) that all E2 needs are a nipple, my arms and some diapers. We have those bases covered...but this house is in no state for a newborn, or at least in no state for the mother of a newborn who is likely to lose her ever lovin' mind trying to navigate around the furniture and baby stuff strewn everywhere due to having two empty, mid-remodel rooms. I'm supposed to spend most of my time lying on the couch with my feet up (or on my bed with my feet up), and I will...but you have to believe I will also be tackling little bitty chunks of chores, just for my own sanity. Oh, and baby shower thank you notes, of course!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Up six pounds Monday from the previous two weeks ago, almost entirely water weight. More on that below.
Maternity Clothes: Always.
Movement: Big movements now. It feels like he's staking claim to much more of my uterus at once than before, stretching side to side, or up and to the side. My belly now obviously changes shape, especially when I'm lying down. It's fun to watch Paul's eyes go wide!
Sleep: Better, although the rib pain from earlier has returned.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Nothing new, except that I walked up a flight of stairs yesterday and could feel my upper thighs touching my belly with each step. That was a new one. Perhaps baby has started to drop into my pelvis a bit more.
Cravings: Still none...but I certainly won't turn down a piece of baby shower cake!
Belly Button In or Out: It's much more inside out this week, not 100%, but probably 85-90%.
Freak-out of the Week: It's been a very stressful, emotional week. More on that below.
Looking Forward To: Um, I'm no longer sure, except to say, probably, keeping E2 baking for at least another couple of weeks (knocking on wood!).
Next Appointment: Ugh. Tomorrow, May 23rd at (gulp!) 7:40 a.m. at UW (cruel and unusual punishment!) for three appointments with the blood pressure clinic, one of which is to see Dr. E., the blood pressure specialist I've been trying to avoid since October.
Miscellaneous: OMG, what a week+.
We had our second growth scan at UW on Thursday of last week. Paul was unable to come, but I brought my mom, grandma and aunt for their first ever ultrasound experience. That part came first, and it was pretty cool. Our tech was really sweet and described everything she saw and measured. We got to see him swallowing, which was awesome. Baby is still ginormous (6 lb 4 oz as of Thursday, measuring an average of 3 weeks ahead, size-wise). Then, she surprised us by switching probes and turning the machine to 3D! I didn't even know they could/would do that! The images weren't fabulous because E2 had his hand/arm in front of his face and his umbilical cord was floating in front of his mouth and chin, but she cut away some of the interference and printed us a profile. (I'll share it below.) It was pretty cool.
We wandered down to the cafeteria for lunch, and then came back up to see Dr. C. for my MFM follow-up. Here's where things started to go off the rails:
(Aside: to my credit, we had just eaten, Paul wasn't there with me, and the nurse who came and got me was new to me and didn't introduce herself, so I was a tiny bit stressed. Still...)
My BP, when first taken, was 140/80. That's not horrid, but it's a lot higher than usual for me when I see Dr. C. The nurse frowned, said she didn't like that, and took it again. It was 130/80. Better, but still abnormal for me in that office. She was about to leave the room, but I asked if she wanted me to pee in a cup (duh!) since I could (please? I held it just for you!). I did my business, came back to the room, and Dr. C. came in to commence our appointment. A few minutes later, the nurse came back and thrust a slip of paper to Dr. C. Ruh roh. Turns out I had a trace of protein in my urine (+1 or +2, not sure). [Cue feeling of defeat] The conversation changed immediately. Just like that, E2's size - which was to drive our appointment (because last time Dr. C. said if he was still growing "like that" she'd assume gestational diabetes, send me to a nutritionist and order me a blood sugar monitor) - was no longer a concern. Instead, my blood pressure is.
The conversation is a bit of a whirlwind, but I distinctly recall hearing, "We need to prepare for baby to be early," "If you make it to 37 weeks, that will be a bonus," "If you DO make it to 37 weeks, then we'll plan on delivering at 39 weeks," "We may need to admit you to the hospital for 24 hours of monitoring, I don't have a bed ready here or I would offer you that, although it's not medically necessary just yet..."
Just like that, my hopes for a "normal" labor and delivery started to fly out the window. Cue mini freak out: I'd been fearing that somehow, we wouldn't make it to our birthing workshop last weekend, and those threats of 24-hour inpatient monitoring - over the weekend - were scaring me. Then, too, was the thought that if he needed to come NOW, I couldn't deliver at St. Pete's in Olympia like we want to, because they can't handle babies younger than 34 weeks. (Dr. C., bless her heart, said, "It's just 5 more days, 5 more days...") Sigh. She sent me and my entourage on our way with orders for blood work before leaving the building, and another fabulous red pee jug for a 24-hour urine catch, which I was to start that night. Oh, and more warnings about the symptoms of preeclampsia. (Thankfully, the blood work was normal, negating the need for inpatient monitoring, so we were able to make it to the birthing workshop, which deserves its own post, later.)
I dutifully turned in my pee jug to Sierra at Dr. M.'s as requested on Friday evening and had more blood drawn. I still haven't gotten the results of those, but I assume no news is fine news. However...
Monday morning I woke up with a weird pressure-y feeling in my head, like I'd been clenching my jaw all night. (Hell, maybe I had...) It lingered through the morning. The pre-e symptoms came to mind...but this wasn't a headache, per se, just pressure. Then, around 10:45, I started feeling a little bit weirder, sort of light headed. Huh. I ate a cheese stick, walked up a flight of stairs to the wellness room, and took my BP. Holy shit: 177/101. Well, wait a sec...I just ate, and I walked up a flight of stairs. Trying again: 173/100. I didn't like that, either. I took it four more times. The "best" reading was 153/99, about 20 minutes from the first reading. I called Dr. M., realizing this wasn't your average "just ate a cheese stick and walked up a flight of stairs" reading.
Dr. M. grabbed the phone from Jeri, who answered and was about to seek Sierra's input, and when he heard my readings, said, "You know, I haven't agreed with this "wait and see" approach that UW has taken. I think it's lame. You should have been medicated long ago. I'm calling in a prescription and I want you to take the first dose immediately and then see me at 1:30 as scheduled." Hell. I did as instructed, and, interestingly, the pressure in my head was gone within about 30 minutes of that first dose.
My BP at Dr. M.'s office was still elevated (140-something over 80 something), so he had me lie down on my left side on the ultrasound table and Sierra took it again...a "good" 130/77. The rest of the appointment was a bit of a blur. He measured my fundal height (the height of my uterus from pubic bone to fundus, or top): 37 weeks (what???). He took a quick look at E2, who had marvelously, miraculously turned head down since the last growth scan and our birthing workshop (good boy!!!). He measured my cervix quickly (still long and closed at 4.1 cm). He wrote "Stop Work Order" in my chart and ordered me on modified home bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. He concurred with Dr. C. that E2 will be coming sooner than expected, and said he hopes bed rest and the BP medicine (a beta blocker) will "squeak out another couple of weeks" in this pregnancy. I have to go see Dr. E. at UW tomorrow for the consultation because apparently starting BP meds this late in the game won't help much, and he wants another opinion as to whether anything else can be done to effectively control my BP at this point, in hopes that we stave off preeclampsia. (He was not happy with the state of my feet on Monday, either, and I have to say, my right foot was freakishly swollen and SO gross looking!)
So, there you have it...Paul and I spent Monday night sharing a mini panic about how soon baby might be here and how ill prepared we are. We have family coming this weekend to help prime the nursery and guest room trim and ceilings for paint, and our sister-in-law is coming Monday to help me sort baby clothes and do laundry (although, for the sake of pulling stuff together for my hospital bag, I might start a little load today). Eek. A friend reminded me (thank you, T!) that all E2 needs are a nipple, my arms and some diapers. We have those bases covered...but this house is in no state for a newborn, or at least in no state for the mother of a newborn who is likely to lose her ever lovin' mind trying to navigate around the furniture and baby stuff strewn everywhere due to having two empty, mid-remodel rooms. I'm supposed to spend most of my time lying on the couch with my feet up (or on my bed with my feet up), and I will...but you have to believe I will also be tackling little bitty chunks of chores, just for my own sanity. Oh, and baby shower thank you notes, of course!
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| E2 at 33 weeks 2 days. That "donut" is his umbilical cord. |
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| E2 in 3D! Look at that chubby cheek! |
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| The belly at 34 weeks (yesterday). |
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
33w1d - appointments galore!
How Far Along: 33 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh
as much as a pineapple (about 4 pounds) and be about 17-19 inches long, but since Dr. M. thinks he's already 5+ pounds, who knows? We'll find out more tomorrow...
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I think I'm up another 2 pounds. Again, I'll find out more tomorrow, since Dr. C. will weigh me for my UW appointment.
Maternity Clothes: Yes. Shoes are still an issue, mostly because our spring heat wave turned back into normal drizzle. Flip flops are a little awkward when it's raining!
Movement: Lots every day. Today I've been getting a lot of knee-shoves out the right side of my belly. Oh, and copious hiccups, already four times today, and I haven't even had dinner yet!
Sleep: Meh.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: I'm definitely moving more slowly now, and feel like I've got a pretty obvious waddle. Could be my brick feet. Occasional nausea continues to be an issue.
Cravings: Still none...not that lack of cravings equates to lack of eating. :)
Belly Button In or Out: It's turned into a little duck nose at the top, which you can see in the photo below if you look closely.
Freak-out of the Week: None, remarkably. I expected to be a real mess at my big baby shower, but I wasn't. I did get teary at the sight of all the beautiful food and decorations my dear friends had put their love into, and again at one super special gift (I'll show it when I eventually post about the nursery, which as of yet is still an unpainted, unfloored box of a room). The twins were on my mind, of course, but as I e-mailed to a friend today, I was able to mostly focus on this little guy and the love showered upon us, which was nice. I'll post more about my shower later...right now, Paul's harping on me to go watch NCIS with him. :)
Looking Forward To: Our birthing workshop this weekend, 16 hours of learning and practicing with our doula. I can't wait! (This will make us feel ready and prepared for E2's arrival, right?!)
Next Appointment: Tomorrow, May 16th, for our second growth scan and another follow up with Dr. C. at University of Washington. I'll see Dr. M. again on Monday for my last (I think) cervical length ultrasoud.
Miscellaneous: The medical appointments are definitely on the increase now, and that's without moving (yet) to a weekly appointment schedule (except for the non-stress tests, or NSTs). Speaking of, we now have our first two NSTs under our belts. The first one, last week, found me with a blood pressure of 146/83, which concerned the very nice nurse. Granted, I was nervous (I've never had a non-stress test before) and a little anxious to be in the Family Birth Center again, this time alone and pregnant. I know people who've had bad news at these NSTs. E2 was a trooper and had been moving all morning, so there was that to feel good about. As it turned out, E2 did fantastically at his first NST, especially for a 32-week baby. The nurse kept saying what a rock star he was, and that if she wasn't required to keep me there a minimum of 20 minutes, she would have let me go as soon as she was done entering stuff in the computer, because he had already passed! Today's NST was just as good, although the nurse today wasn't very talkative. I stayed longer, too, but that's because she was waiting on Dr. M. to call her back and release me. I go again next week, and, I presume, throughout the rest of my pregnancy (Dr. C. mentioned starting biophysical profiles, or BPPs, in there, too, but I don't know when those start).
The other thing this week was that Paul and I attended a La Leche League meeting together Monday night. There's a breastfeeding class offered once a month at the hospital we hope to deliver at, but it's held from 7-9 p.m., and with Paul currently getting up at 3:30 a.m. for work (and likely a little earlier by the end of the month, when the class is), that just wouldn't work. While this particular LLL meeting is dad-friendly, he was the only man there. Still, he did great, even with strange women nursing their babes (ages 7 weeks to 18 months) in front of him! He had lots of really good questions and was really engaged. I wanted him to come so that he'd have information to help support ME if I end up discouraged or having trouble with breastfeeding, an endeavor we both feel is important. This month's topic was the advantages of breastfeeding (very eye opening for both of us, even though we each already knew of a few). Next month's is about breastfeeding a newborn. I will go for sure; I hope he will, too. :)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I think I'm up another 2 pounds. Again, I'll find out more tomorrow, since Dr. C. will weigh me for my UW appointment.
Maternity Clothes: Yes. Shoes are still an issue, mostly because our spring heat wave turned back into normal drizzle. Flip flops are a little awkward when it's raining!
Movement: Lots every day. Today I've been getting a lot of knee-shoves out the right side of my belly. Oh, and copious hiccups, already four times today, and I haven't even had dinner yet!
Sleep: Meh.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: I'm definitely moving more slowly now, and feel like I've got a pretty obvious waddle. Could be my brick feet. Occasional nausea continues to be an issue.
Cravings: Still none...not that lack of cravings equates to lack of eating. :)
Belly Button In or Out: It's turned into a little duck nose at the top, which you can see in the photo below if you look closely.
Freak-out of the Week: None, remarkably. I expected to be a real mess at my big baby shower, but I wasn't. I did get teary at the sight of all the beautiful food and decorations my dear friends had put their love into, and again at one super special gift (I'll show it when I eventually post about the nursery, which as of yet is still an unpainted, unfloored box of a room). The twins were on my mind, of course, but as I e-mailed to a friend today, I was able to mostly focus on this little guy and the love showered upon us, which was nice. I'll post more about my shower later...right now, Paul's harping on me to go watch NCIS with him. :)
Looking Forward To: Our birthing workshop this weekend, 16 hours of learning and practicing with our doula. I can't wait! (This will make us feel ready and prepared for E2's arrival, right?!)
Next Appointment: Tomorrow, May 16th, for our second growth scan and another follow up with Dr. C. at University of Washington. I'll see Dr. M. again on Monday for my last (I think) cervical length ultrasoud.
Miscellaneous: The medical appointments are definitely on the increase now, and that's without moving (yet) to a weekly appointment schedule (except for the non-stress tests, or NSTs). Speaking of, we now have our first two NSTs under our belts. The first one, last week, found me with a blood pressure of 146/83, which concerned the very nice nurse. Granted, I was nervous (I've never had a non-stress test before) and a little anxious to be in the Family Birth Center again, this time alone and pregnant. I know people who've had bad news at these NSTs. E2 was a trooper and had been moving all morning, so there was that to feel good about. As it turned out, E2 did fantastically at his first NST, especially for a 32-week baby. The nurse kept saying what a rock star he was, and that if she wasn't required to keep me there a minimum of 20 minutes, she would have let me go as soon as she was done entering stuff in the computer, because he had already passed! Today's NST was just as good, although the nurse today wasn't very talkative. I stayed longer, too, but that's because she was waiting on Dr. M. to call her back and release me. I go again next week, and, I presume, throughout the rest of my pregnancy (Dr. C. mentioned starting biophysical profiles, or BPPs, in there, too, but I don't know when those start).
The other thing this week was that Paul and I attended a La Leche League meeting together Monday night. There's a breastfeeding class offered once a month at the hospital we hope to deliver at, but it's held from 7-9 p.m., and with Paul currently getting up at 3:30 a.m. for work (and likely a little earlier by the end of the month, when the class is), that just wouldn't work. While this particular LLL meeting is dad-friendly, he was the only man there. Still, he did great, even with strange women nursing their babes (ages 7 weeks to 18 months) in front of him! He had lots of really good questions and was really engaged. I wanted him to come so that he'd have information to help support ME if I end up discouraged or having trouble with breastfeeding, an endeavor we both feel is important. This month's topic was the advantages of breastfeeding (very eye opening for both of us, even though we each already knew of a few). Next month's is about breastfeeding a newborn. I will go for sure; I hope he will, too. :)
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| The belly at 33w1d. I feel like E2 is hanging low today. |
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
32 weeks
How Far Along: 32 weeks today. E2 should weigh
approximately 3-3/4 pounds (apparently the weight of a large jicama...again, never held one!). However...yesterday's ultrasound revealed a real whopper of a child...he's not even CLOSE to the weight of a jicama.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: According to my scale, I'm up another 2 pounds. According to Dr. M.'s scale, I'm up 34 pounds total since 16 weeks...which would mean about 42 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight. I don't look it, I swear! (I don't really feel it, either.) I asked Dr. M., "Are you concerned about my weight gain, because I sure am?" He thinks it's mostly water weight. God, I hope he's right!
Maternity Clothes: Yes. In fact, after an uncharacteristic early May heat wave and accompanying clothing crisis, I now have a few more tops and bottoms (work appropriate!) to choose from, plus a pair of cheap shoes and two pairs of flip flops to (sort of) accomodate my ridiculously swollen ankles and feet.
Movement: Movin' and groovin'! E2 still gets the hiccups several times a day. He's been poking something "hard" out above my belly button for several days. It turns out he's currently breech, and what I feel is his left shoulder. Now I can't stop rubbing it!
Sleep: Ok.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: All the same, but boy howdy, the cankles have taken it to a whole new level. I haven't seen the bones on the insides of my ankles since Thursday evening. No joke. We traveled 3.5 hours over the mountains to Yakima (Eastern WA) on Friday night and the swelling hasn't gone away since. I was on my feet in the heat most of Saturday, and I swear to you my lower legs, ankles and feet looked like they belonged to someone else's body. They certainly weren't my scrawny calves and skinny ass feet! Nope...those are gone, gone, gone. I normally wear a size 10.5 narrow shoe. Yesterday I bought a pair of size 11 medium ballet flats, and they don't even accomodate the cankles. Actually, after wearing them only an hour and ten minutes this morning, I already had deep shoe grooves under my (non-existent) inner ankle bones. I may spend the rest of this pregnancy in flip flops. Work-appropriate wear be damned!
Cravings: Still none.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in. The "outiness" seems to depend on E2's position in there.
Freak-out of the Week: None. Lots of tears again, though. While in Yakima, a fellow member of the board I sit on presented Paul and me with a beautiful handmade white and green baby blanket, and I couldn't stop the tears. Then Sunday, I happened to look out the window nearest the front door and noticed a package on the front porch. I opened it and inside was a beautiful handmade quilt from a fellow cow enthusiast from Wisconsin - someone I only know a little bit online - with a note. The quilt is called "Rainbow on Green Pasture" and it's gorgeous. Again, the tears...sobbing in my kitchen, clutching this piece of love and art to my chest. I am still so touched that these lovely women care so much that they'd spend the time to make these for us!
Looking Forward To: We hit Dr. M.'s milestone (32 weeks!), so he's happy! Our next one is 34 weeks, because that will entitle us to deliver at Providence St. Peter Hospital, where the twins were born (and which only has a Level II NICU and can't handle babies younger than 34 weeks).
Next Appointment: This Thursday, May 9th for my first non-stress test, and next Thursday, May 16th for another growth scan.
Miscellaneous: This week's OB appointment went well. I didn't get any pictures, unfortunately, nor did I really get any good looks at E2's face. I think that's because Dr. M. knows I'll get some good views (and photos) from University of Washington next week at our growth scan. As I mentioned, baby is currently breech, with his head in my upper left uterus, spine curling down the left side, little butt (as of yesterday, anyway) sitting right on top of my (still long and closed, 4.2 cm!!) cervix, and then his knees up in my upper right uterus. Funny moment of the appointment (which ran, not so funnily, extremely late due to Dr. M.'s tardiness and then futzing around with the generator guy): During my transvaginal ultrasound to measure my cervix, I noticed what looked to be a distinctive outline above my cervix, and asked, "Is that the baby's bottom?!" Dr. M. said, "Oh, look at the little baby butt cheeks!" (Kiddo was literally sitting on top of my cervix, butt crack and all!)
As for Dr. M.'s unofficial growth ultrasound, E2 is ginormous. According to the ultrasound machine's measurements, he is now averaging 35w5d gestation (that's a gain of a week from our last growth scan), with a head measuring 2.5 weeks ahead and an abdomen measuring 3+ weeks ahead. By the machine's calculations, my big belly is big because this child already weighs 5 pounds 5 ounces. Holy pelvic cringe, Batman! Dr. M. whipped out his (probably 1980s) California Sea Level Chart, which is a growth chart thingy (with pencil marks all over it) showing average growth curves by gestational age and weight for 10%, 50% and >90% growth. While the ultrasound machine spit out that baby's 2511 gram weight is >90% (which would be consistent with our 28 week growth scan at UW), Dr. M.'s fancy chart says only 60%. So. Huh. He had said earlier in the appointment that he was going to write me a script for a home blood glucose monitor and test strips, but based on the discrepancy between modern scientific equipment and his folded paper chart, he opted not to. We'll see what UW comes up with next week for E2's weight and size...and whether or not that causes Dr. C. to go ahead and order the monitor and strips for me anyway. Ultimately, we do not want to be derailed by untreated gestational diabetes and have to deal with a 10+ pound baby, so whatever...but I really do hope that, between Dr. M. and Dr. C., someone can assure me that E2's growth is normal and won't result in induction or c-section due to a kid too big for me to deliver vaginally.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: According to my scale, I'm up another 2 pounds. According to Dr. M.'s scale, I'm up 34 pounds total since 16 weeks...which would mean about 42 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight. I don't look it, I swear! (I don't really feel it, either.) I asked Dr. M., "Are you concerned about my weight gain, because I sure am?" He thinks it's mostly water weight. God, I hope he's right!
Maternity Clothes: Yes. In fact, after an uncharacteristic early May heat wave and accompanying clothing crisis, I now have a few more tops and bottoms (work appropriate!) to choose from, plus a pair of cheap shoes and two pairs of flip flops to (sort of) accomodate my ridiculously swollen ankles and feet.
Movement: Movin' and groovin'! E2 still gets the hiccups several times a day. He's been poking something "hard" out above my belly button for several days. It turns out he's currently breech, and what I feel is his left shoulder. Now I can't stop rubbing it!
Sleep: Ok.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: All the same, but boy howdy, the cankles have taken it to a whole new level. I haven't seen the bones on the insides of my ankles since Thursday evening. No joke. We traveled 3.5 hours over the mountains to Yakima (Eastern WA) on Friday night and the swelling hasn't gone away since. I was on my feet in the heat most of Saturday, and I swear to you my lower legs, ankles and feet looked like they belonged to someone else's body. They certainly weren't my scrawny calves and skinny ass feet! Nope...those are gone, gone, gone. I normally wear a size 10.5 narrow shoe. Yesterday I bought a pair of size 11 medium ballet flats, and they don't even accomodate the cankles. Actually, after wearing them only an hour and ten minutes this morning, I already had deep shoe grooves under my (non-existent) inner ankle bones. I may spend the rest of this pregnancy in flip flops. Work-appropriate wear be damned!
Cravings: Still none.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in. The "outiness" seems to depend on E2's position in there.
Freak-out of the Week: None. Lots of tears again, though. While in Yakima, a fellow member of the board I sit on presented Paul and me with a beautiful handmade white and green baby blanket, and I couldn't stop the tears. Then Sunday, I happened to look out the window nearest the front door and noticed a package on the front porch. I opened it and inside was a beautiful handmade quilt from a fellow cow enthusiast from Wisconsin - someone I only know a little bit online - with a note. The quilt is called "Rainbow on Green Pasture" and it's gorgeous. Again, the tears...sobbing in my kitchen, clutching this piece of love and art to my chest. I am still so touched that these lovely women care so much that they'd spend the time to make these for us!
Looking Forward To: We hit Dr. M.'s milestone (32 weeks!), so he's happy! Our next one is 34 weeks, because that will entitle us to deliver at Providence St. Peter Hospital, where the twins were born (and which only has a Level II NICU and can't handle babies younger than 34 weeks).
Next Appointment: This Thursday, May 9th for my first non-stress test, and next Thursday, May 16th for another growth scan.
Miscellaneous: This week's OB appointment went well. I didn't get any pictures, unfortunately, nor did I really get any good looks at E2's face. I think that's because Dr. M. knows I'll get some good views (and photos) from University of Washington next week at our growth scan. As I mentioned, baby is currently breech, with his head in my upper left uterus, spine curling down the left side, little butt (as of yesterday, anyway) sitting right on top of my (still long and closed, 4.2 cm!!) cervix, and then his knees up in my upper right uterus. Funny moment of the appointment (which ran, not so funnily, extremely late due to Dr. M.'s tardiness and then futzing around with the generator guy): During my transvaginal ultrasound to measure my cervix, I noticed what looked to be a distinctive outline above my cervix, and asked, "Is that the baby's bottom?!" Dr. M. said, "Oh, look at the little baby butt cheeks!" (Kiddo was literally sitting on top of my cervix, butt crack and all!)
As for Dr. M.'s unofficial growth ultrasound, E2 is ginormous. According to the ultrasound machine's measurements, he is now averaging 35w5d gestation (that's a gain of a week from our last growth scan), with a head measuring 2.5 weeks ahead and an abdomen measuring 3+ weeks ahead. By the machine's calculations, my big belly is big because this child already weighs 5 pounds 5 ounces. Holy pelvic cringe, Batman! Dr. M. whipped out his (probably 1980s) California Sea Level Chart, which is a growth chart thingy (with pencil marks all over it) showing average growth curves by gestational age and weight for 10%, 50% and >90% growth. While the ultrasound machine spit out that baby's 2511 gram weight is >90% (which would be consistent with our 28 week growth scan at UW), Dr. M.'s fancy chart says only 60%. So. Huh. He had said earlier in the appointment that he was going to write me a script for a home blood glucose monitor and test strips, but based on the discrepancy between modern scientific equipment and his folded paper chart, he opted not to. We'll see what UW comes up with next week for E2's weight and size...and whether or not that causes Dr. C. to go ahead and order the monitor and strips for me anyway. Ultimately, we do not want to be derailed by untreated gestational diabetes and have to deal with a 10+ pound baby, so whatever...but I really do hope that, between Dr. M. and Dr. C., someone can assure me that E2's growth is normal and won't result in induction or c-section due to a kid too big for me to deliver vaginally.
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| The belly at 32 weeks (in a new shirt!). |
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
31 weeks 1 day
How Far Along: 31 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh approximately 3 pounds (the weight of 4 navel oranges), but we all know he weighed more than that, um, three weeks ago. He should be about 17 inches long, crown to heel. OMG!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm pretty sure I must have gained about 28 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. That's a bummer, as I was hoping to somehow not gain more than 25-30 this whole pregnancy. There is no.way.period. I will not gain more than 2 pounds between now and delivery, given little man is close to putting on half a pound a week. Sigh. At least I'm still hearing that I don't look pregnant at all from the front. :)
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: He's had more big movements this past week. I was finally able to get some on video (on my phone), but I had to wait for it. Paul also finally saw E2's hiccups through my belly last night at dinner! Today it feels like he's been either rolling around or stretching his arms and legs, and it feels very Braxton-Hicks-y, which I don't love (makes me nervous). I felt a knee or elbow very clearly while my hand was resting on my belly this afternoon. Cool!
Sleep: Not bad.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Same as previous, with the addition of two episodes of really sharp pains above and to the right of my belly button. They felt like they were uterus-related, not from deep within. One of them hit last night during bathroom trip number 320 (ok, not really, but probably number 4) as I made my way back to bed. That one nearly doubled me over...but that was it. Just once, and then gone. Baby's weird movements, perhaps? Oh, and I caught Paul staring at my belly again tonight...this time, it was due to the (now very evident, angry, red) stretch marks. Sigh again.
Cravings: None...so much so that it makes deciding what to have for dinner a real pain in the ass.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top.
Freak-out of the Week: Wowsa. I wouldn't call them freak outs, but man have I shed a lot of tears this past week. There's just a lot...a lot of stress, a lot of grief, a lot of decisions that feel overwhelming, anxiety over the impending arrival of our little guy, fears that something may still go wrong, etc. One big thing is I realized the other day that May was right around the corner, which starts anew the anniversary period of conceiving the twins (May 11th), finding out we were pregnant (May 24th at home and 25th via blood test), through Aliya's first placental abruption in mid-June, through all the appointments and vaginal discharge changes and bleeding in June and July, and then her water breaking and loss of our babies in August. E2's due date is just three days before the 23 month anniversary of losing Aliya and Bennett...and the 2-year anniversary will be just a month later. It's so hard to believe...and I am missing them so, so much. We met a couple with a beautiful little almost two-year old on Sunday and she's been pulling at my heartstrings ever since. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so grateful to be expecting our little miracle boy, love him so very much already and can't wait to share our lives with him...but part of me worries I may never get to parent a living little girl, and that breaks my heart into millions and jillions of pieces and hurts me to my core. It's something I can't even say aloud to Paul because I will sob, and I just don't allow myself to fall apart like that in front of him anymore because he doesn't know what to do with me. Thank God for continued counseling.
Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!), and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!
Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: I actually made progress this week on finding daycare and a pediatrician! Nothing like realizing the stress burden was making my life unmanageable. :) I researched both over the weekend. Daycare is still difficult, but I did get on the wait list for one and toured it today. It made me a little sad to see the infants and all the cribs in one room...I don't know what I expected, but it didn't warm my heart, that's for sure. I found a pediatrician (based on the clinic and then the ped's bio) that I was interested in, and was able to set up a free "meet and greet" appointment with him for next week. I hope I like him, so I can cross that one off the list. Our remodel has made no progress in the last week, other than me now being about 80% sure that I want to keep the walls neutral and the bedding bright, rather than vice versa. (Hey, that's progress, don't knock it!) We still need to look at carpet (haven't even started that), and I do need to pick paint colors, but I do think I'm closer there, too. Oh, and choose and buy fabric for crib bedding and curtains. Again, I'm a lot closer...and thrilled that quilting and crafting are such huge hobbies for people because there are some great online fabric stores to choose from!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm pretty sure I must have gained about 28 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. That's a bummer, as I was hoping to somehow not gain more than 25-30 this whole pregnancy. There is no.way.period. I will not gain more than 2 pounds between now and delivery, given little man is close to putting on half a pound a week. Sigh. At least I'm still hearing that I don't look pregnant at all from the front. :)
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: He's had more big movements this past week. I was finally able to get some on video (on my phone), but I had to wait for it. Paul also finally saw E2's hiccups through my belly last night at dinner! Today it feels like he's been either rolling around or stretching his arms and legs, and it feels very Braxton-Hicks-y, which I don't love (makes me nervous). I felt a knee or elbow very clearly while my hand was resting on my belly this afternoon. Cool!
Sleep: Not bad.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Same as previous, with the addition of two episodes of really sharp pains above and to the right of my belly button. They felt like they were uterus-related, not from deep within. One of them hit last night during bathroom trip number 320 (ok, not really, but probably number 4) as I made my way back to bed. That one nearly doubled me over...but that was it. Just once, and then gone. Baby's weird movements, perhaps? Oh, and I caught Paul staring at my belly again tonight...this time, it was due to the (now very evident, angry, red) stretch marks. Sigh again.
Cravings: None...so much so that it makes deciding what to have for dinner a real pain in the ass.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top.
Freak-out of the Week: Wowsa. I wouldn't call them freak outs, but man have I shed a lot of tears this past week. There's just a lot...a lot of stress, a lot of grief, a lot of decisions that feel overwhelming, anxiety over the impending arrival of our little guy, fears that something may still go wrong, etc. One big thing is I realized the other day that May was right around the corner, which starts anew the anniversary period of conceiving the twins (May 11th), finding out we were pregnant (May 24th at home and 25th via blood test), through Aliya's first placental abruption in mid-June, through all the appointments and vaginal discharge changes and bleeding in June and July, and then her water breaking and loss of our babies in August. E2's due date is just three days before the 23 month anniversary of losing Aliya and Bennett...and the 2-year anniversary will be just a month later. It's so hard to believe...and I am missing them so, so much. We met a couple with a beautiful little almost two-year old on Sunday and she's been pulling at my heartstrings ever since. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so grateful to be expecting our little miracle boy, love him so very much already and can't wait to share our lives with him...but part of me worries I may never get to parent a living little girl, and that breaks my heart into millions and jillions of pieces and hurts me to my core. It's something I can't even say aloud to Paul because I will sob, and I just don't allow myself to fall apart like that in front of him anymore because he doesn't know what to do with me. Thank God for continued counseling.
Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!), and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!
Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: I actually made progress this week on finding daycare and a pediatrician! Nothing like realizing the stress burden was making my life unmanageable. :) I researched both over the weekend. Daycare is still difficult, but I did get on the wait list for one and toured it today. It made me a little sad to see the infants and all the cribs in one room...I don't know what I expected, but it didn't warm my heart, that's for sure. I found a pediatrician (based on the clinic and then the ped's bio) that I was interested in, and was able to set up a free "meet and greet" appointment with him for next week. I hope I like him, so I can cross that one off the list. Our remodel has made no progress in the last week, other than me now being about 80% sure that I want to keep the walls neutral and the bedding bright, rather than vice versa. (Hey, that's progress, don't knock it!) We still need to look at carpet (haven't even started that), and I do need to pick paint colors, but I do think I'm closer there, too. Oh, and choose and buy fabric for crib bedding and curtains. Again, I'm a lot closer...and thrilled that quilting and crafting are such huge hobbies for people because there are some great online fabric stores to choose from!
 |
| The belly at 31 weeks (yesterday). |
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
30 weeks
How Far Along: 30 weeks today. Holy cow! Baby should be the weight of a head of cabbage.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Dudes, I have no idea. According to Sierra, Dr. M.'s assistant, as of yesterday I had gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks. That thoroughly tweaked me out. Don't you think I would have noticed?! Dr. M. was not cconerned...which makes me think that the math Sierra did in her head was actually totally wrong. He went so far, after I said something about gaining so much, to write "Patient concerned about weight gain" in my chart notes! Huh? When I'd gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks last time, I got a talking to. So, I have no idea what's going on. I did weigh myself this morning, and according to our home scale, I've gained 24 pounds overall. That's darn close to what I'd hoped to gain the entire pregnancy (yep, going to blow that out of the water, with another 6-9 weeks left to go), but that beats the heck out of gaining 38, which is what Sierra had me pegged at!
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: E2's moving well. He still gets hiccups 4-5 times per day (he's got them right now, in fact), and often squirms when he does. He's been sticking his butt out lately, too, right above my belly button. Weird!
Sleep: Not bad.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose (allergies), aches and pains in my pelvis/lower belly and lower back, occasional nausea, fatigue, swollen ankles by early afternoon, leg cramps during the early morning (only when I'm about to get up to pee, and they're not too painful - yet), and some new stretch marks that look like I had a run in with a rotary cutter, veering off my linea negra right below my belly button. (Aside: I said to Dr. M. yesterday, as he measured my belly, "Look, those stretch marks you asked about finally arrived!" He replied, "Infertility patients aren't allowed to complain about stretch marks.") I finally tonight took my wedding rings off and hung them on a chain Paul got me for my birthday. I took them off 2.5 hours ago and still have ring marks in my puffy fingers. At least my face isn't swollen. I showed Dr. M. my cankles yesterday and he immediately examined my hands and face, and then reviewed my BP and checked my reflexes. He also reminded me of the symptoms to watch for with pre-eclampsia. (All is well...I just have cankles!)
Cravings: None.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top. I caught Paul staring at me the other night as I was putting lotion on, and when I asked what he was staring at, he said I was making my belly button pop out as I did that. :)
Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs, per se. I was worried about my weight for all the rest of Monday after my appointment, but after even Paul said, "There's no way!", I started feeling better. I have really, really been missing Aliya and Bennett, though, and cried a lot Friday night and Sunday (when I was home alone...sometimes I need space to ugly cry).
Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!). Oh, and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!
Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: This weekend my uncle and our brother-in-law finished up the "big" parts of our nursery and guest room remodels. Now, both ceilings have been scraped of 1978 popcorn and retextured, both windows have been replaced, along with new trim outside (there was none before) and new trim throughout both rooms (it looks amazing!), new bedroom doors and new closet doors. Now we need to choose carpet and paint. (Or, we need to choose carpet and I need to choose paint...decorating with a color blind man is a pain in the ass!) I've given up trying to find a commercially available crib bedding set...I just don't really like any of them. So, I'm scouring the Internet for fabrics I like for a crib skirt and curtains. We still need to choose a crib and chair/rocker/glider (haven't looked at the latter yet), but I know what I want for a dresser and shelving for books, so that's good. I know it'll come together, but man, with that AND daycare AND a pediatrician, I feel like this research and these decisions are going to cause my brain to explode! No pressure, right? :)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Dudes, I have no idea. According to Sierra, Dr. M.'s assistant, as of yesterday I had gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks. That thoroughly tweaked me out. Don't you think I would have noticed?! Dr. M. was not cconerned...which makes me think that the math Sierra did in her head was actually totally wrong. He went so far, after I said something about gaining so much, to write "Patient concerned about weight gain" in my chart notes! Huh? When I'd gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks last time, I got a talking to. So, I have no idea what's going on. I did weigh myself this morning, and according to our home scale, I've gained 24 pounds overall. That's darn close to what I'd hoped to gain the entire pregnancy (yep, going to blow that out of the water, with another 6-9 weeks left to go), but that beats the heck out of gaining 38, which is what Sierra had me pegged at!
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: E2's moving well. He still gets hiccups 4-5 times per day (he's got them right now, in fact), and often squirms when he does. He's been sticking his butt out lately, too, right above my belly button. Weird!
Sleep: Not bad.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose (allergies), aches and pains in my pelvis/lower belly and lower back, occasional nausea, fatigue, swollen ankles by early afternoon, leg cramps during the early morning (only when I'm about to get up to pee, and they're not too painful - yet), and some new stretch marks that look like I had a run in with a rotary cutter, veering off my linea negra right below my belly button. (Aside: I said to Dr. M. yesterday, as he measured my belly, "Look, those stretch marks you asked about finally arrived!" He replied, "Infertility patients aren't allowed to complain about stretch marks.") I finally tonight took my wedding rings off and hung them on a chain Paul got me for my birthday. I took them off 2.5 hours ago and still have ring marks in my puffy fingers. At least my face isn't swollen. I showed Dr. M. my cankles yesterday and he immediately examined my hands and face, and then reviewed my BP and checked my reflexes. He also reminded me of the symptoms to watch for with pre-eclampsia. (All is well...I just have cankles!)
Cravings: None.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top. I caught Paul staring at me the other night as I was putting lotion on, and when I asked what he was staring at, he said I was making my belly button pop out as I did that. :)
Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs, per se. I was worried about my weight for all the rest of Monday after my appointment, but after even Paul said, "There's no way!", I started feeling better. I have really, really been missing Aliya and Bennett, though, and cried a lot Friday night and Sunday (when I was home alone...sometimes I need space to ugly cry).
Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!). Oh, and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!
Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: This weekend my uncle and our brother-in-law finished up the "big" parts of our nursery and guest room remodels. Now, both ceilings have been scraped of 1978 popcorn and retextured, both windows have been replaced, along with new trim outside (there was none before) and new trim throughout both rooms (it looks amazing!), new bedroom doors and new closet doors. Now we need to choose carpet and paint. (Or, we need to choose carpet and I need to choose paint...decorating with a color blind man is a pain in the ass!) I've given up trying to find a commercially available crib bedding set...I just don't really like any of them. So, I'm scouring the Internet for fabrics I like for a crib skirt and curtains. We still need to choose a crib and chair/rocker/glider (haven't looked at the latter yet), but I know what I want for a dresser and shelving for books, so that's good. I know it'll come together, but man, with that AND daycare AND a pediatrician, I feel like this research and these decisions are going to cause my brain to explode! No pressure, right? :)
 |
| The belly at 30 weeks. |
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