36 weeks

How on earth did we get here? The last six or so weeks have gone by so, so fast, it's completely mind-blowing. We are three weeks - or probably less - from meeting E2, from confronting a different labor and delivery than the only one we've known, from a different hospital experience. It's so much to think about.

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How Far Along: 36 weeks today. E2 is giant. He should be the size of a head of romaine lettuce (height-wise), and weigh over 5 pounds. I have an update on his weight, though. Crikey.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I gained two pounds over last week. Huh.

Maternity Clothes: Yes.

Movement: This kiddo really likes distorting my belly these days, pushing his little butt out and to the right several times a day. He's stretching a lot more, too, which gets uncomfortable.

Sleep: Horrid the last few days. Last night I was in a murderous mood, between the heat (mostly generated by E2, he's slowly killing me from the inside out), Paul's mouth-breathing and bed-hogging, the cat screwing around in E2's pack & play (don't even get me started on that!), and the dog scratching on the door to go out four times in about 20 minutes during the middle of the night - plus the fact that I just can't sleep for crap anymore. I am starting to wonder if all of this is preparing for E2's inevitable arrival and overnight needs. Oy.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: More Braxton Hicks (more on that below), uncomfortable movements from baby, sleep issues...but you know what?! I made it through this entire day without Zofran!!!!!

Cravings: None, really.

Belly Button In or Out: 100% out. Crazytown!

Freak-out of the Week: Ha ha ha. Major freak outs this week. Let's see: there was last Thursday's "routine" NST at St. Pete's, which turned into 3 hours of continuous monitoring and a cervical check for me because I was contracting the entire time (diagnosis: slight dehydration and irritable uterus, but only dilated to a loose 1 cm, no more than 50% effaced, and baby's head was not engaged in my pelvis). That really freaked me out, mostly because I couldn't even feel them, except for three. A lot of the contractions were large, too...I remembered seeing my friend EJ's monitor during her induced labor and the nurse saying they wanted to see contractions over 50...and some of mine were 80-90. And I couldn't even feel them. Holy crap. Talk about lack of confidence now in reading my body during labor!

The second freak out was yesterday morning. I had another NST scheduled, this time at Dr. M.'s office. Prior to that, I drove into a specialty lingerie shop - pounding water because I could feel contractions and so didn't want a repeat of Thursday's NST at Dr. M.'s later - and got fitted for a couple of "transitional" maternity bras, super stretchy and comfy but with nursing flaps to get me through until I am fitted for "real" nursing bras two weeks postpartum. I cried on the way there. See, I slept very poorly the night before and had several really vivid, scary dreams. Yes, some of that is normal pre-delivery anxiety, but some of it is baby loss trauma. And it sucks. In one, Dr. M. gave me a personal tour of the Family Birth Center, where we'll deliver, and took me into room LL07, where the twins delivered. He was pointing out the Jacuzzi tub and stuff...yeah yeah yeah, we know what's in that room. I in turn pointed out where I delivered Aliya, where I started vomiting uncontrollably, where Paul struggled to get his pants on after waking up in the middle of Bennett's delivery, where the babies lay on the counter as they rushed me in for the D&C, where they were displayed in their bassinet at the foot of my bed for the rest of my 36-hour stay. This part, I know, came in my dreams because we've been faced with whether or not to request a Jacuzzi tub for labor this time, and there are only two in the hospital, room LL07 and LL08 (across the hall, where another family experienced a loss during my stay, based on the tear posted on their door). I awoke from my dreams feeling both overwhelmed with fear that I would contract again during the NST and end up induced or delivering, but also fears of cord accidents the further along we get. Paul and I are taking turns with this fear, thankfully...I can't imagine if we were both struck with this at the same time.

The appointment at Dr. M.'s, incidentally, was just fine. Baby passed the NST with flying colors, I didn't contract, I have plenty of fluid, and E2 is massive...approximately 7 pounds 11 ounces at this point. Dr. M. still refers to his little paper chart, which indicates E2 is in the 85th percentile, but UW's measurements (and Dr. M.'s own ultrasound machine) indicate he's actually in the 94th percentile. His head is still every bit as big, and is actually swaying the measurements. Lucky me!

Looking Forward To: I would say another good NST on Thursday, but I appear to have jinxed myself last week, so...

Next Appointment: Thursday morning at St. Pete's for another NST, then back to Dr. M.'s Monday for NST and a fluid scan.

Miscellaneous: I was blessed enough yesterday to be surprised at my NST/ultrasound appointment by my dear friend, her hubby and their baby boy (12 weeks old today!), who is E2's BFF. I swear, it's like she read my mind and knew I needed support. Seeing them in the parking lot made my day, and to find out they'd actually stalked me made it all the better. She and the baby kept me company during both my NST and ultrasound, and it was marvelous. Love you, EJ!!!

The belly at 36 weeks. My shirts feel a little short!

35 weeks 1 day

How Far Along: 35 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh about 5 1/4 pounds and be 20 inches long. The length is probably about right. The weight...not so much!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: According to Dr. M.'s scale yesterday, I actually lost three pounds compared to my previous visit there. I was up 0.6 pounds from last Thursday's UW appointment...but that's still better for me. It's probably lost water weight.

Maternity Clothes: Always.

Movement: E2's movements are large enough that Paul's actually seeing my belly morph out of the corner of his eye. I'm getting a lot of little knob-like movements across portions of my belly, either elbows, knees or feet. I can't tell which is which, but it feels really strange.

Sleep: Except for the last two days (not sure why), better overall.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: More ligament pains this week, especially on the right side.

Cravings: Still none.

Belly Button In or Out: Closer to 90-95% outie now, although it still goes flat sometimes, depending on how E2 is positioned.

Freak-out of the Week: Just missing my babies. A lot.

Looking Forward To: Another good non-stress test tomorrow morning.

Next Appointment: Tomorrow morning at St. Pete's for another NST, and then back to Dr. M.'s on Monday for an NST, fluid measurement and quick baby survey. I'm on the twice-a-week NST protocol, i.e. "very heavily monitored" per Dr. M.

Miscellaneous: Last Thursday's appointments at UW turned out ok. Dr. E. wasn't all bad. In fact, I sort of liked his sense of humor (although he decided to tell me why I'm infertile - and he was wrong - so I corrected him...he clearly doesn't know everything). The first appointment of the morning was with his two nurses for an UltraCom, which is this old-school ultrasound of something in the heart (artery?) and a vessel in the throat to measure cardiac output. Those results were charted on this graph...needless to say, I was off the chart (in a bad way) on both, even though I'd been on a beta blocker for three days by then. Incidentally, my BP was 146/83...not my finest.

The second appointment was a non-stress test, Paul's first. E2 decided to nap through the first 10 minutes, so the nurse had to get the buzzer. Poor little guy...they put this weird microphone/vibrator thing on my belly and buzz for a solid several seconds, and I could literally feel his whole body jump (startle) in my uterus. It took two tries...the first time, he jumped but kept on sleeping! After the second trry, he woke up and performed well, solidly passing the test. Whew.

The final appointment of the morning was with Dr. E. Paul was getting pretty pissed as we sat there waiting for over an hour in that tiny exam room while we could hear Dr. E. in the hallway. Oh, well...how is that any different than being at Dr. M.'s?! Dr. E's senior fellow came in and asked some questions, and then we waited a bit longer before she and Dr. E. finally came back in. Dr. E. said that while I do indeed have hypertension, mine is the easiest kind to treat. (I honestly took that as a compliment. It's been a very rare occasion over the last three years that anything related to my health or reproduction is classified as "easy".) Since the beta blocker had successfully lowered my heart rate into the normal range in just three days, there was nothing more they could safely do with that drug. Dr. E. said my heart was beating really hard to work at pushing all my extra fluids through my body (as opposed to beating faster to do it, like it had been without the beta blocker), so I needed to shed some extra fluid. He prescribed a diuretic, along with potassium to keep my electrolytes in balance, and said he won't need to see me again. He did say that E2 will need to come no later than my 39th week (and that baby would likely come sooner than that), and that Dr. M. would need to monitor me very closely so that at the first sign of any further BP issues or problems with the baby, I could be delivered right away. The first night I took the diuretic I developed a headache, followed by dizziness, so I paged Dr. M., who assured me it was ok and sent me off to bed. Even though warned I'd pee like a race horse, that hasn't been my experience. My feet look better each morning (a tiny bit swollen, but not like before), and they will swell, as will my hands and face a bit, if I'm upright for too long, but it really is better.

Paul and I had minor freak outs the rest of the weekend, just the stress of not knowing how soon E2 could be here. We stopped at IKEA on our way home from our UW appointments and bought baby's dresser, then met our doula for a late lunch/early dinner and talked through our birth plan, which I drafted and e-mailed for edits Monday. We have since looked at cribs (we're ever closer) and have cancelled two carpet-shopping appointments because our schedules aren't working out well. My mom and stepdad came over on Saturday and were priming machines, getting the ceilings, trim and closet doors knocked out in both the nursery and guest room. I ordered the fabrics for the nursery and expect them today or tomorrow, so I can finalize the paint colors for the nursery (we're doing wide stripes). I still need bedding for the guest room so I can choose color for those walls, too. And, our sister-in-law came over Monday with several boxes of our nephew's hand-me-downs, and helped me with baby laundry and setting up the pack and play in our bedroom. This week I'll work on packing my hospital bags, just in case, and getting the car seat installed (also a just in case). Having those last two done will really help with my peace of mind, I expect.

I had my first NST with Dr. M. yesterday, which was fine (E2 passed it right away, just like the very first NST, but had to stay on the monitor 20 minutes and slept through the last 10-15 minutes). We also had a quick ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid levels, which were fine (and not quick, since I had to wait a good 40 minutes for the ultrasound room to become available). (Funny Dr. M. moment of the day, as he scanned the first fluid pocket in the upper left portion of my uterus: "Oh, there are the little boy parts. We'll scan right here. The little boy parts are the fountain," [i.e. fluid-creator].)

I asked Dr. M. about an induction timeline, and he's back to erring on the side of the "experts", so now he's saying we might make it to 39 weeks, even though last Tuesday night I'll have my last 17P shot (to prevent preterm labor). I don't know now whether to expect baby to possibly be here in another 2 weeks, or another month. I get that lying down has obvious benefits to my BP and swelling, but another month of this will get really old. Dr. E. thought I could possibly sit up at a desk and telecommute, but absolutely did not want me commuting into an office job. Dr. M. is the one who had pulled me off of work to begin with, and I forgot to ask him yesterday how he feels about telecommuting (probably because I was there for exactly 3 hours for an hour-long appointment...par for the course). I still need to talk to HR to find out what my options are, and then to my boss to figure out what I can actually do from home. It's all very confusing to me, and I'm afraid of both biting off more than I can chew and of under-committing and being bored out of my noggin the next four or so weeks (if baby comes at 39 weeks). I guess none of this is supposed to be predictable...

33w1d - appointments galore!

How Far Along: 33 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh as much as a pineapple (about 4 pounds) and be about 17-19 inches long, but since Dr. M. thinks he's already 5+ pounds, who knows? We'll find out more tomorrow...

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I think I'm up another 2 pounds. Again, I'll find out more tomorrow, since Dr. C. will weigh me for my UW appointment.

Maternity Clothes: Yes. Shoes are still an issue, mostly because our spring heat wave turned back into normal drizzle. Flip flops are a little awkward when it's raining!

Movement: Lots every day. Today I've been getting a lot of knee-shoves out the right side of my belly. Oh, and copious hiccups, already four times today, and I haven't even had dinner yet!

Sleep: Meh.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: I'm definitely moving more slowly now, and feel like I've got a pretty obvious waddle. Could be my brick feet. Occasional nausea continues to be an issue.

Cravings: Still none...not that lack of cravings equates to lack of eating. :)

Belly Button In or Out: It's turned into a little duck nose at the top, which you can see in the photo below if you look closely.

Freak-out of the Week: None, remarkably. I expected to be a real mess at my big baby shower, but I wasn't. I did get teary at the sight of all the beautiful food and decorations my dear friends had put their love into, and again at one super special gift (I'll show it when I eventually post about the nursery, which as of yet is still an unpainted, unfloored box of a room). The twins were on my mind, of course, but as I e-mailed to a friend today, I was able to mostly focus on this little guy and the love showered upon us, which was nice. I'll post more about my shower later...right now, Paul's harping on me to go watch NCIS with him. :)

Looking Forward To: Our birthing workshop this weekend, 16 hours of learning and practicing with our doula. I can't wait! (This will make us feel ready and prepared for E2's arrival, right?!)

Next Appointment: Tomorrow, May 16th, for our second growth scan and another follow up with Dr. C. at University of Washington. I'll see Dr. M. again on Monday for my last (I think) cervical length ultrasoud.

Miscellaneous: The medical appointments are definitely on the increase now, and that's without moving (yet) to a weekly appointment schedule (except for the non-stress tests, or NSTs). Speaking of, we now have our first two NSTs under our belts. The first one, last week, found me with a blood pressure of 146/83, which concerned the very nice nurse. Granted, I was nervous (I've never had a non-stress test before) and a little anxious to be in the Family Birth Center again, this time alone and pregnant. I know people who've had bad news at these NSTs. E2 was a trooper and had been moving all morning, so there was that to feel good about. As it turned out, E2 did fantastically at his first NST, especially for a 32-week baby. The nurse kept saying what a rock star he was, and that if she wasn't required to keep me there a minimum of 20 minutes, she would have let me go as soon as she was done entering stuff in the computer, because he had already passed! Today's NST was just as good, although the nurse today wasn't very talkative. I stayed longer, too, but that's because she was waiting on Dr. M. to call her back and release me. I go again next week, and, I presume, throughout the rest of my pregnancy (Dr. C. mentioned starting biophysical profiles, or BPPs, in there, too, but I don't know when those start).

The other thing this week was that Paul and I attended a La Leche League meeting together Monday night. There's a breastfeeding class offered once a month at the hospital we hope to deliver at, but it's held from 7-9 p.m., and with Paul currently getting up at 3:30 a.m. for work (and likely a little earlier by the end of the month, when the class is), that just wouldn't work. While this particular LLL meeting is dad-friendly, he was the only man there. Still, he did great, even with strange women nursing their babes (ages 7 weeks to 18 months) in front of him! He had lots of really good questions and was really engaged. I wanted him to come so that he'd have information to help support ME if I end up discouraged or having trouble with breastfeeding, an endeavor we both feel is important. This month's topic was the advantages of breastfeeding (very eye opening for both of us, even though we each already knew of a few). Next month's is about breastfeeding a newborn. I will go for sure; I hope he will, too. :)

The belly at 33w1d. I feel like E2 is hanging
low today.

31 weeks 1 day

How Far Along: 31 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh approximately 3 pounds (the weight of 4 navel oranges), but we all know he weighed more than that, um, three weeks ago. He should be about 17 inches long, crown to heel. OMG!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm pretty sure I must have gained about 28 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. That's a bummer, as I was hoping to somehow not gain more than 25-30 this whole pregnancy. There is no.way.period. I will not gain more than 2 pounds between now and delivery, given little man is close to putting on half a pound a week. Sigh. At least I'm still hearing that I don't look pregnant at all from the front. :)

Maternity Clothes: Yep.

Movement: He's had more big movements this past week. I was finally able to get some on video (on my phone), but I had to wait for it. Paul also finally saw E2's hiccups through my belly last night at dinner! Today it feels like he's been either rolling around or stretching his arms and legs, and it feels very Braxton-Hicks-y, which I don't love (makes me nervous). I felt a knee or elbow very clearly while my hand was resting on my belly this afternoon. Cool!

Sleep: Not bad.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: Same as previous, with the addition of two episodes of really sharp pains above and to the right of my belly button. They felt like they were uterus-related, not from deep within. One of them hit last night during bathroom trip number 320 (ok, not really, but probably number 4) as I made my way back to bed. That one nearly doubled me over...but that was it. Just once, and then gone. Baby's weird movements, perhaps? Oh, and I caught Paul staring at my belly again tonight...this time, it was due to the (now very evident, angry, red) stretch marks. Sigh again.

Cravings: None...so much so that it makes deciding what to have for dinner a real pain in the ass.

Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top.

Freak-out of the Week: Wowsa. I wouldn't call them freak outs, but man have I shed a lot of tears this past week. There's just a lot...a lot of stress, a lot of grief, a lot of decisions that feel overwhelming, anxiety over the impending arrival of our little guy, fears that something may still go wrong, etc. One big thing is I realized the other day that May was right around the corner, which starts anew the anniversary period of conceiving the twins (May 11th), finding out we were pregnant (May 24th at home and 25th via blood test), through Aliya's first placental abruption in mid-June, through all the appointments and vaginal discharge changes and bleeding in June and July, and then her water breaking and loss of our babies in August. E2's due date is just three days before the 23 month anniversary of losing Aliya and Bennett...and the 2-year anniversary will be just a month later. It's so hard to believe...and I am missing them so, so much. We met a couple with a beautiful little almost two-year old on Sunday and she's been pulling at my heartstrings ever since. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so grateful to be expecting our little miracle boy, love him so very much already and can't wait to share our lives with him...but part of me worries I may never get to parent a living little girl, and that breaks my heart into millions and jillions of pieces and hurts me to my core. It's something I can't even say aloud to Paul because I will sob, and I just don't allow myself to fall apart like that in front of him anymore because he doesn't know what to do with me. Thank God for continued counseling.

Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!), and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!

Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.

Miscellaneous: I actually made progress this week on finding daycare and a pediatrician! Nothing like realizing the stress burden was making my life unmanageable. :) I researched both over the weekend. Daycare is still difficult, but I did get on the wait list for one and toured it today. It made me a little sad to see the infants and all the cribs in one room...I don't know what I expected, but it didn't warm my heart, that's for sure. I found a pediatrician (based on the clinic and then the ped's bio) that I was interested in, and was able to set up a free "meet and greet" appointment with him for next week. I hope I like him, so I can cross that one off the list. Our remodel has made no progress in the last week, other than me now being about 80% sure that I want to keep the walls neutral and the bedding bright, rather than vice versa. (Hey, that's progress, don't knock it!) We still need to look at carpet (haven't even started that), and I do need to pick paint colors, but I do think I'm closer there, too. Oh, and choose and buy fabric for crib bedding and curtains. Again, I'm a lot closer...and thrilled that quilting and crafting are such huge hobbies for people because there are some great online fabric stores to choose from!

The belly at 31 weeks (yesterday).

30 weeks

How Far Along: 30 weeks today. Holy cow! Baby should be the weight of a head of cabbage.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Dudes, I have no idea. According to Sierra, Dr. M.'s assistant, as of yesterday I had gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks. That thoroughly tweaked me out. Don't you think I would have noticed?! Dr. M. was not cconerned...which makes me think that the math Sierra did in her head was actually totally wrong. He went so far, after I said something about gaining so much, to write "Patient concerned about weight gain" in my chart notes! Huh? When I'd gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks last time, I got a talking to. So, I have no idea what's going on. I did weigh myself this morning, and according to our home scale, I've gained 24 pounds overall. That's darn close to what I'd hoped to gain the entire pregnancy (yep, going to blow that out of the water, with another 6-9 weeks left to go), but that beats the heck out of gaining 38, which is what Sierra had me pegged at!

Maternity Clothes: Yep.

Movement: E2's moving well. He still gets hiccups 4-5 times per day (he's got them right now, in fact), and often squirms when he does. He's been sticking his butt out lately, too, right above my belly button. Weird!

Sleep: Not bad.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: Stuffy nose (allergies), aches and pains in my pelvis/lower belly and lower back, occasional nausea, fatigue, swollen ankles by early afternoon, leg cramps during the early morning (only when I'm about to get up to pee, and they're not too painful - yet), and some new stretch marks that look like I had a run in with a rotary cutter, veering off my linea negra right below my belly button. (Aside: I said to Dr. M. yesterday, as he measured my belly, "Look, those stretch marks you asked about finally arrived!" He replied, "Infertility patients aren't allowed to complain about stretch marks.") I finally tonight took my wedding rings off and hung them on a chain Paul got me for my birthday. I took them off 2.5 hours ago and still have ring marks in my puffy fingers. At least my face isn't swollen. I showed Dr. M. my cankles yesterday and he immediately examined my hands and face, and then reviewed my BP and checked my reflexes. He also reminded me of the symptoms to watch for with pre-eclampsia. (All is well...I just have cankles!)

Cravings: None.

Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top. I caught Paul staring at me the other night as I was putting lotion on, and when I asked what he was staring at, he said I was making my belly button pop out as I did that. :)

Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs, per se. I was worried about my weight for all the rest of Monday after my appointment, but after even Paul said, "There's no way!", I started feeling better. I have really, really been missing Aliya and Bennett, though, and cried a lot Friday night and Sunday (when I was home alone...sometimes I need space to ugly cry).

Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!). Oh, and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!

Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.

Miscellaneous: This weekend my uncle and our brother-in-law finished up the "big" parts of our nursery and guest room remodels. Now, both ceilings have been scraped of 1978 popcorn and retextured, both windows have been replaced, along with new trim outside (there was none before) and new trim throughout both rooms (it looks amazing!), new bedroom doors and new closet doors. Now we need to choose carpet and paint. (Or, we need to choose carpet and I need to choose paint...decorating with a color blind man is a pain in the ass!) I've given up trying to find a commercially available crib bedding set...I just don't really like any of them. So, I'm scouring the Internet for fabrics I like for a crib skirt and curtains. We still need to choose a crib and chair/rocker/glider (haven't looked at the latter yet), but I know what I want for a dresser and shelving for books, so that's good. I know it'll come together, but man, with that AND daycare AND a pediatrician, I feel like this research and these decisions are going to cause my brain to explode! No pressure, right? :)

The belly at 30 weeks.

22 weeks

How Far Along: 22 weeks today. E2 is the length of a spaghetti squash.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (21w6d), I am up 13 pounds. Oopsie!

Maternity Clothes: Yep.

Movement: Daily.

Sleep: Not so good. We spent the night in a hotel room with super cushy beds (queen sized - two of them, thankfully), and I was able to use my extra pillows for support between my knees. I have a body pillow on our bed, but it's sort of flat, and I've wondered if that's behind a lot of my hip, rib and shoulder pain. Even with the extra cush, I still didn't sleep well, but I didn't wake up nearly as sore. Tonight will be night two of extra pillows (on top of the body pillow) in our bed...not ideal, but it'll tide me over until I buy a new body pillow.

Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.

Symptoms: Minor nausea (knocking on every wooden surface within reach right now!), aches and pains, fatigue, sleeping poorly, rosacea flare-ups, hot flashes, a little harder to get up from a sitting (or lying down) position, constipation, and severe ligament pains. I think it's safe to say that my uterus grew quite a bit this week. (It's measuring right on track for 22 weeks.)

Cravings: None.

Belly Button In or Out: Still in, but a lot shallower. During our hotel stay I was on the bed watching my belly for movement when Paul said something funny, and when I laughed, my belly button popped out! It went back in, though. :)

Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs to speak of. However, I processed some guilt in therapy around feeling unable to properly grieve my twins while carrying this little guy. Thankfully, I was gently reminded that I can do both; it's not all or nothing either way, which is the way it feels sometimes, since grieving is often the only way I feel I can parent my firstborn daughter and son.

Looking Forward To: Another week going by with no issues (fingers crossed).

Next Appointment: Monday, March 11th for another cervical length ultrasound.

Miscellaneous: I'm slowly buying a few things for this baby, and that feels good. I ordered a car seat cover, which arrived yesterday (finally), and bought him some clothing a few weeks ago. I have a couple of books on order for me, too - Dr. Sears' "The Baby Book - Revised Edition" and a breastfeeding book. The further along we get, the more comfortable I feel contemplating a "real" future with this little boy. Also, my appointment yesterday went well. My cervix is still long and closed (4.6 cm...weird how it gets longer and shorter, huh?), and baby looks good. Dr. M. surprised me by making the long-promised DVD of baby yesterday. At first I was bummed that Paul wasn't there, but Dr. M. was running at least a good hour behind schedule and went really fast, so that, coupled with the fact that his machine isn't as good as UW's and that ultrasound a couple of weeks ago was a really good look at E2 - made the crappy DVD ok. We did watch it last night and are glad to have it, but it's not something I'd sit the extended family down to watch...too much to explain (and some of it I couldn't even decipher because Dr. M. moved the wand so erratically at times).

E2 at 21 weeks 6 days. His nose, mouth and chin remind me
of Bennett here...

The belly at 22 weeks.

Time warp: 19 weeks, and 18 months

First, my heart.

I cannot fathom that it's already been a year and a half since we met our babies. Tonight, on the anniversary of their deliveries in the same hospital, I was in the emergency room where we'd learned the fate of our babies, only this time visiting a family member (who will be fine!). I walked past the cubicle where we got our horrible news, the one where I'd laid in a puddle of amniotic fluid on my gurney for six hours previous, the one they returned us to after our final ultrasound.

Oddly, it felt ok to be in there again. Time, perhaps? Different reason?

I still do my fair share of crying, and I'm certain pregnancy hormones don't help in that endeavor, because not all of my tears are for my babies and the life I wish we had. (Even the Bud.weiser commercial during the Supre' (French!) Bowl got me this weekend.) But I am so very quick to cry, moreso than ever in my life...even more than in the early stages of grief. Things are getting better, for sure, partly because of the resources I've wrapped myself in the last 18 months. Without weekly therapy, without my beloved network of fellow babylost mamas, without our support groups...I don't know where I would be. Things over the last couple of months had gotten really hard, and they're getting better again. The waves of grief (not stages, that implies you go through once and are done) are longer, wide intervals in between the lows, and the lows don't last as long. I don't cringe every time I see or hear of multiples. My stomach doesn't drop at the thought of people around me conceiving. It's different...but it will never be the same, never what it was. I will never be the same.

Now, my new little love.


How Far Along: 19 weeks today. E2 is the size of an heirloom tomato (or a mango "dipped in greasy cheese", or vernix, quoted as per my What to Expect book). We grew a colossal Brandywine tomato this summer, so that comparison works for me (the tomato, not the greasy cheese-covered mango).

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (18w6d), I was up 8 lbs total.

Maternity Clothes: Yep.

Movement: E2 was kind of quiet most of the end of last week, which was disconcerting. Today, though, baby has been moving and shaking. I'm pretty sure I felt hiccups twice today (and last night, too).

Sleep: A mixed bag. I slept pretty well last night, which was great, but not so well the previous several nights. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with rib pain, so that doesn't help.

Gender: A week and two days, and all will be revealed!

Symptoms: Hungry. Lower back/rib/sacrum pain. BELLY. Still crappy skin. Two days of vomiting last week (and yesterday morning in the kitchen sink before I left for work = not awesome + still on Zofran). Tender boobs/nipples. Darker nipples and bigger boobs (according to Paul). :)

Cravings: None. What's up with that?

Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.

Freak-out of the Week: Well...I woke up last Thursday morning with an undefined sense of dread. I ended up calling my OB's office and asking to be seen, just for peace of mind. They moved my appointment from yesterday to Thursday. All was well. My cervix grew apparently (?) and was 5.1 cm long. There was what appeared to be the start of a funnel, but Dr. M. wasn't concerned. You can bet I'll be looking at and asking about that next week (if not sooner due to another freak out). He also said - this is almost comical - I have a marginal placenta previa (um, I have always had a marginal placenta previa, except it was "resolved" last time, and he'd never called it a marginal previa, which it had been prior to "resolution"). WTH? I asked, "So, what, it moved back the wrong way since last week?!" Apparently the cervical os was at the bottom of that little "fluid pocket" (which looked like a tiny bit of funneling to my Google-trained eye), and the placenta was right to the edge of the top of the pocket, so ??? Wouldn't you know, I spotted (red) on Sunday morning for no good reason. I ended up laying very low the rest of the day, and it stopped. Me no likey. Also, even though Dr. M. had finally cleared us to have intercourse (for the first time since September), somehow we both felt a little uneasy about it so abstained. Good freaking thing. Until that sucker is good and moved away from my cervix, there will be no fun times for me. (Total aside: this was the first appointment from which I didn't leave with an ultrasound pic of E2. Travesty!)

Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan next Thursday (!) and gettting the announcement of our pregnancy behind us. Oh, and our doula appointment Friday night (it was supposed to be tonight, but we had to reschedule) - this one will occur over Thai food!

Next Appointment: Not until Thursday, February 14th. Eek!

Miscellaneous: Before I leave you with a belly shot, it was brought to my attention by two of my managers that I have apparently REALLY popped now. (I got both a, "WHOA!!," and a, "Wow, look at you!") Having looked at the picture below, I guess it's true. :)

The belly at 19w. I should probably stop wearing
my pre-pregnancy tees for these photos before I
ruin them forever. :)

18 weeks

How Far Along: 18 weeks today. Holy cow. E2 is the size of a sweet potato (or the length of a bell pepper, take your pick), weighing in somewhere around 7 ounces (more the double the weight of Aliya and Bennett combined), with a crown-rump length of 5.5 inches (2 inches longer than baby's siblings). E2's feet this week - considering the 50th percentile (and we both have big feet, so they're likely a little bigger than this) - are just over an inch long. That's twice the length of Aliya's and Bennett's feet (theirs were just over 1/2 an inch at 14w2d). Amazing the growth that occurs in just four weeks.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (17w6d), I was up 7 lbs total.

Maternity Clothes: 100%, well, except for undies. I'm actually back in my "regular" undies, which hit an inch or so above my pubic bone. I'm finding those more comfortable currently than my granny panties, which come up over my belly button.

Movement: Getting much more frequent and stronger. Today I felt a kick from the outside for the first time ever. It was amazing!

Sleep: Crappy. And the dreams, OMG!

Gender: Two weeks 2 days and counting...

Symptoms: Ravenous hunger; stuffy nose; still nauseous (still on Zofran). Occassional ligament pains this week. Spotty short term memory. A little clumsy (I've opened cupboard doors into my belly more times this last week than I'd care to admit). Sore nipples. Slightly improved skin (yay!). Lower back/backside of ribs pain. Less fatigue this week.

Cravings: None this week...although I've been sort of jonesing for some Hostess, especially those cinnamon sugar-ish donuts in the mixed box (you know, powdered sugar, cinnamon sugar and plain...the plain are only good for picking up bits of the stuff that falls off the other two kinds). Sad, isn't it? Perhaps a buyer will come through and start producing those products again soon...by which time, I probably won't want to be anywhere near them.

Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.

Freak-out of the Week: No freak-outs, just grief. I can't believe my babies will have been gone a year and a half in just a week. How has that much time gone by? I hate that they feel so far away from me...and at the same time, I'm finding it really difficult to grieve and be pregnant at the same time, which I know is normal. Perhaps part of it is we're closer to the end of the 18- to 24-month hard grieving timeline we were told we might experience, and it's actually easier...but I feel more like I don't have the mental space, and that's not a pleasant place to be. It's my job to keep my babies' memory alive...it's the ONLY way I can mother my children. And I just don't feel like I'm doing a very good job right now...even though I cry every single stinking weekend.

Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan, and announcing our pregnancy. I keep having to catch myself from posting a telling remark in reply to my friends' comments on Facebook. But, really, I just won't feel ready to come clean until after the anatomy scan.

Next Appointment: Monday, February 4th for another transvaginal cervical length ultrasound. We're also (finally!) meeting with a doula on the evening of Tuesday, February 5th. I'll talk about that in a future post.

Miscellaneous: I was stuck listening at my desk to an awful 2-hour webinar at work today (yawn), so I entertained myself by Googling "fetal foot length" and then marking lengths for 18 and 20 weeks on a piece of scrap paper. Then I found an online medical journal with charts for bone lengths at almost ALL gestations (femur, fibula, tibula, humerus, radius, ulna) and wrote those down. Arms don't contribute to length, but it is interesting how arms and legs are nearly the same lengths by now (like, within a millimeter or two). I was really curious how big E2 is in comparison to my little angels, my only frames of reference. Aliya and Bennett were 5.5 inches and 5.0 inches crown to heel, respectively (by Nurse V's tape). If I assume 50th percentile all across the board, then E2 should measure somewhere around 7.4 inches crown to heel. (Paul and I are both tall - I'm nearly 5'10" and he's 6'2" - so E2 might be longer than that.) WOW.

The belly at 18 weeks. It still looks much the
same, although it feels a little "pointier" today
near the top.

16 weeks

How Far Along: 16 weeks today. E2 is the size of a large avocado.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (15w6d), I was up 5 lbs total. I gained a pound!

Maternity Clothes: Officially in tops and bottoms.
As of yesterday, even at work. Yes, I came out as a pregnant woman to my co-workers. I was SO nervous; last time, I told at 12w6d and we lost the twins a week and a half later. This time, I made it to 15w6d before formally announcing, but some people told me they'd already suspected but didn't want to say anything.

Also, speaking of maternity garb, I need to start thinking about a bra to sleep in (I've never, ever slept in a bra!); the girls are getting a little, um, uncomfortable. I've been polling my mommy friends about what they used/wore. If you have experience, please comment! (I started as a 38DD and have been warned by a couple of friends who were the same cup size that they grew to an H cup, so I'm a bit unsure of when to buy...but if I need one now, I guess, so be it.)

Movement: Daily. I noticed the other day that while for the past couple of weeks I'd only been feeling little movements in one certain area on the left side, suddently I felt it on both sides simultaneously. Today it was almost entirely in the middle (a little high and a little lower at the same time). Baby is moving around in there!

Sleep: Still so so.

Gender: From my fingers to your eyes on February 14th.

Symptoms: Voracious appetite; stuffy nose; nausea seems to be starting to fade (knock on wood), but I keep the Zofran close (and had to take two on Sunday). Less frequent ligament pains this week. Very spotty short term memory. Getting a bit clumsy. Sore boobs. Horrid skin. A bit of lower back pain. And a new symptom I'll share below (see Freak-out of the Week).

Cravings: None really this week. Little sounds good, but everything tastes good. I just need people to put food in front of me and I'd be set.

Belly Button In or Out: In, and still shallow. So weird!

Freak-out of the Week: Holy Hell. I will preface this by saying that neither Paul nor I got emotional about this...but we also barely slept last night. The thought "Please, not again" did pass my lips.

I had some uterine pressure and a definite painless contraction last night after dinner. Before dinner, I thought E2 had maybe moved and was back (and back of head) toward my front. It felt weird, like something was pushing out, something kind of hard...nothing I could grab, so it was a totally internal sensation. As I walked to the kitchen to get my dinner, I almost felt like there was pressure or something on the left side. All through dinner, I felt pressure in my uterus, mostly on the left, sometimes in the middle, but it was fairly constant. After dinner, I laid down on the couch with my feet in Paul's lap and my fingers pressed into my uterus. And there it was: out of nowhere, my entire uterus got hard. OMG. (For those of you new to this blog, I had painless contractions the night before Aliya's water broke. I thought it was early Braxton Hicks. It wasn't; it was preterm labor, and I missed it.)

We had a dilemma. We knew if I paged Dr. M., he'd likely (if anything) send me to the ER, where a) they do nothing, b) they treat women in the second trimester like shit and c) we'd sit and rot for hours. Paul was supposed to get up at 3:15 a.m. this morning and was already exhausted...and it was already after bedtime. We were supposed to start my 17P shots today, at 16 weeks 0 days, but decided to do the first one last night, just in case it would help. (No big deal, by the way, although the pharmacist gave me 22 gauge needles and that's too thin, so it took forever for Paul to draw up and inject.)

I called Dr. M.'s office first thing this morning and told them what happened. They gave me an 11:30 appointment. A few minutes later, they called back and said, "Can you make it here by 9:00?" When I got there, J, who is in charge of the insurance (and is our neighbor), told me that she and Sierra talked when she gave me that first appointment, and decided since I am "their Amy" and they didn't want me to be upset, they wanted to get me in as soon as possible. (So, so glad we stayed with Dr. M.'s!!) Dr. M. gave me another cervical length ultrasound, and said everything is good there...my cervix averaged 4.8 cm, long and closed with no funneling. He also looked at E2 briefly to check for movement (yep!) and the heart rate (160 bpm). All good.

Diagnosis: early Braxton Hicks contractions. Lucky me. (NOT!!) He said I should continue to err on the side of caution and come in any time I feel the need, even if it's every day, and he'll check the baby and my cervix. I won't likely come in every day, but it's nice to see him sincerely communicate that he is happy to help and that I won't be a pain in his butt. Harder for me: trusting my body, not second guessing...and waiting this shit out until (hopefully) we have a live, healthy baby in our arms.

I did ask him, because we hadn't talked about it, what would/could be done if I do develop early preterm labor again (before 20 weeks). He said, "Well, there are several trainwreck scenarios, but we're not there yet. We'll keep measuring your cervix, and if we see a change, we'll put a stitch in and go from there." Sigh...I would have liked more information or more of a plan...maybe there isn't one and there just can't be. It sucks, though.

Looking Forward To: Peace of mind, some day.

Next Appointment: Monday, January 21st for another my next transvaginal cervical length ultrasound (unless he skips it in lieu of today's) and prenatal blood work, PAP, breast exam, etc. Sierra had me pee in a cup and checked my weight and BP today since I am 16 weeks, the point at which they normally start all that stuff.

Miscellaneous: None this week.

Belly at 16w. It doesn't look much different to me (save
for the underwear line above my belly button!).

The infamous 14 weeks

This week has haunted me, especially over the last several days. Thank God this pregnancy is at a completely different time of year, a cold, dreary season instead of the height of summer. I am grateful that it's now 2013, a new and different year, and equally grateful that we (somehow) made it through the holidays again.

*****

How Far Along: 14 weeks today. E2 is the size of a lemon...the same size Aliya and Bennett were.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: It would appear I'm starting the 2nd trimester up about 7 pounds. Not sure how the extra two happened in the course of a week, but there you have it. Oh, wait...stress eating. Of course.

Maternity Clothes: Full time maternity pants, except for my sweats and pj bottoms. I attempted to shop for maternity tops at the mall last weekend, and then was reminded why all of my maternity clothes last time came from Tacoma, an hour north. I have a couple of other places to try locally that I didn't try last time. I'd like to avoid setting foot in Motherhood Maternity at all costs.

Movement: Daily! E2 is moving quite a bit, tons yesterday during work and last night as we watched TV. I always feel the flutters and light popcorning movements in the same general spot, about 2.5 inches below and to the left of my belly button. In fact, I feel them right now. :)

Sleep: Decent, although I've had several bad, violent dreams in the last week. I chalk that up to stress.

Gender: We'll tell you eventually...just not yet.

Symptoms: Starving to nauseous, two days of vomiting (six times yesterday, the eve before the 2nd trimester, WTH??). Fatigue. Boobs are still a bit sore, but I know that will pass. My rosacea is so bad that Paul actually commented about it the other night. Nice. :|

Cravings: They come and go quickly. Right now I could really go for a grilled cheese sandwich on sourdough (one of my staples last time) with a side of Top Ramen (with hard boiled eggs and green onion), plus the mashed potatoes and sausage gravy at our local casino's buffet. Ok, maybe not all at once, but they all sound really good right now. Instead, I think I'll have a bowl of cereal to tide me over until Paul returns from work.

Belly Button In or Out: In.

Freak-out of the Week: It was a week of emotion. I cry (or at least tear up) several times a day throughout the day as it is right now. Add to that: flashbacks from last year at this point, remembering what I was feeling/thinking in the days leading up to losing Aliya and Bennett; missing my babies so badly every day; dreading Thursday (14w2d, their delivery point); some stupid, thoughtless family drama that has thrown us both a major, upsetting curve ball; and alternatively feeling either like E2 will never come home with us (i.e. we won't make it past this week) or will. This really sucks...and it's a time of feeling very, very alone. Thank God for my fellow BLMs who have walked this path, and for my therapist.

Looking Forward To: Still 16 weeks, when we start "doing something" to save this pregnancy, and 28 weeks when we might finally be able to relax a little. Maybe.

Next Appointment: January 7th for another unofficial transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and transabdominal look at E2.

14w0d (today)

11 weeks

Look! A pregnancy update on the actual day my gestational calendar flips to a new week! *patting self on back* I figured I'd better pound this out now, before Paul is home and I find my place on the couch. Plus, I promised Molly I would. ;) (Hi, Molly!) It has been a most interesting week...

****

How Far Along: 11 weeks today. E2 is now the size of a fig. Last week's edible item was a grape, but pregnancy brain plays tricks on me. Also, I guess that's what I get for reading ahead in my books.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of today I'm actually back down to a net gain of 3.5 pounds. Much improvement. I think it's because my constipation is easing a teensy bit.

Maternity Clothes: No changes here. I wore those linty black maternity pants today. Holy hell, are they ever baggy in the ass! If I can get moving at a decent time on Saturday (very difficult for me lately), I would like to hit Old Navy, JC Penney and Kohl's, if necessary, to see if they have anything appealing. Mama needs some variety (and more pieces, at least for bottoms right now).

Movement: E2 is officially moving. While I can't see it, I saw it clearly during yesterday's ultrasound. I can't feel diddly squat yet.

Sleep: Same as previous.

Gender: Same secret as previous. :)

Symptoms: I've had a little more back pain (middle to lower) this week, and today I've had more ligament pains. I also get a pain on either side of my pubic bone from time to time, kind of a dull ache, that I think is also things stretching and moving around in there.

Cravings: Actually, none this week at all. I think satisfying the underlying Need for Portland Steak Dinner (see last week) quelled all other cravings - at least for now. Well, plus, my morning sickness has been ramping up, which makes choosing foods so unappetizing.

Belly Button In or Out: In.

Freak-out of the Week: Uh, yeah. All of yesterday, and this morning on the way to work, Freak Out Central. I woke up yesterday feeling really off and emotional, so I stayed home. I had two medical appointments scheduled yesterday. I cried probably six times in the morning before I left, and was teary on the way to my ultrasound. I wasn't at all nervous about the OB appointment; I was am neurotic feeling fearful and mistrusting of my body (my cervix, specifically), and also really grieving the twins. A lot. My OB appointment was fine; E2 measured 11w1d (two days ahead) with a heart rate of 175 (perfect for this stage, although anxiety-inducing for me because the twins' heart rates never went below that, and in fact, as I've stated, showed signs of infection at 14w0d and evident infection at 14w1d, after Aliya's water broke). Dr. M., even though I have the NT scan to look for chromosomal disorders (other than the known) next week, took it upon himself to locate E2's nasal bone (hi, bone!), the lack of which is a soft marker for Downs Syndrome or other major trisomies, and also performed a quick NT measurement (normal). I was quickly reminded how much clearer transvaginal ultrasounds are then transabdominal...and have the E2=blob photo as evidence. I recorded the entire ultrasound on my iPhone so I could share it with Paul, since he's missed both this one and the last one.

I asked Dr. M. when he planned on looking at my cervix. He said at 16 weeks. I reworded my question: "When will you do a visual inspection of my cervix - not the cervical length ultrasounds that will start at 16 weeks - along with all the other regular prenatal bloodwork and stuff?" The answer was the same, 16 weeks. I'm sure my voice hit a higher octave indicative of my panic. :) I told him that given I've had to sweep Crinone (which I am no longer on, by the way) out of my vagina every morning with my finger, I've weeks of feeling my cervix, and I don't like the way it feels. It feels softer than I'd expect, a little bit open, and for the seventieth time, I think I feel a polyp or something around the opening! It SCARES me, given what happened last time. "Can I request a cervical exam?" Yes. I am now scheduled for a look-see of my cervix on Christmas Eve day. I hate that I felt like I had to fight to get this. I feel not listened to. Perhaps I'm truly just as unnecessarily anxious as he implied, but you know what? He didn't birth two dead babies. He also reminded me about the article he showed me last time, saying, "Remember, that study showed only a 5-6% chance of recurrence of preterm labor of a singleton after preterm labor of twins." I said, "Yes, and given that's actually higher than the chance I would have lost my twins to a second trimester miscarriage - WHICH I DID - that stat doesn't help me feel any better."

What I Miss: Feeling normal...whatever that is. Also, that feeling I could have that this might actually be a normal pregnancy. I won't probably believe it until E2 is here, alive and well, and can look back at (knocking on wood) a complication-free pregnancy.

Looking Forward To: Getting all the way through 14 weeks. Three weeks and six days to go. :|

Next Appointment: Thursday, December 20th for the nuchal translucency ultrasound, a follow-up with the genetics counselor, and a follow-up with Dr. C., my MFM, all at University of Washington. (I will be asking her opinion about this funky-cervix fear I have, and my second guessing of prophylactic cerclage versus the cervical-ultraound/wait-and-see approach.

E2 at 10w6d. Blobby head is on the left, butt on the right.
You can see an arm and a leg in this photo.

10 weeks 2 days

The timing of this week's post has been weighing on my mind. It hit me this week that this baby is due the same week - two days before - the 23-week anniversary of my water breaking and losing Aliya and Bennett. These weekly updates will only happen in an anniversary week six more times before baby comes...but if this first is any indication, they'll all be difficult.

***
How Far Along: 10 weeks 2 days. E2 is the size of a fig.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm up almost six pounds. I suppose I should slow down, huh? I feel like I'm making up for all the weight I didn't gain during my pregnancy with the twins. I'm currently back at my pre-twin-pregnancy weight...which is the same as I weighed when I delivered. That doesn't feel very good. :(

Maternity Clothes: I still have the same maternity clothes struggle, made worse this week when the slacks I had been wearing now kill across the middle, even unzipped and unbuttoned (and held up solely by my Bella Band). After talking with my counselor (who I continue to see weekly), we realized that my current belly is at just about the same size as it was at this point with the twins. That's insane...and I didn't expect it. It also turns out to be a PTSD trigger. (Why do I feel like I'm walking in a minefield?) But, as both Laura Jane and K (Addi'smom) commented in my last weekly update, I really do need to embrace the maternity wear. It's my reality, and I do need to be comfortable. Today I wore my black maternity pants to work (it took four sheets of lint roller to get all the post-laundry lint off, no joke!), coupled with a button down shirt I have that was just barely long enough to cover the panel all the way around. Needless to say, there was several wardrobe adjustments throughout my day. This is a situation I need to remedy, and soon.

Movement: E2 is now moving (and swallowing amniotic fluid!) in my belly, but is too small for me to feel anything yet.

Sleep: Still pretty good, still interrupted by many, many bathroom breaks. Last night I didn't take my Unisom with my Vitamin B-6, so found myself wide awake after a 12:30 a.m. bathroom trip. I folded and took half a Unisom and was out like a light. I slept pretty poorly with the twins, so I am relishing this sleep (plus I somehow feel so much more tired this time).

Gender: That's for us to know and you to find out (later)! :)

Symptoms: I'm struggling the last week with more breakthrough nausea than in previous weeks. I'm not sure why that is; I should be at the point now where my hCG has plateaued. My boobs also have been periodically really painful (like, they hurt when I sit still kind of thing, achy/sharp pains), but I know that's normal. I'm having more frequent rosacea breakouts/flare-ups lately, too, which I remember later in the first trimester last time. I look forward to gorgeous, glowing skin in the second trimester (that's what I got last time...a girl can hope!).

Cravings: The Portland steak dinner craving was satisfied last Saturday, and it was everything I dreamed of! I haven't had any real craving since, but I'm definitely eating well. (See: Total Weight gain/loss, above.)

Belly Button In or Out: Still in. It feels a bit like it's going in further. (See: Total Weight gain/loss, above.)

Freak-out of the Week: Actually...this week has been a little harder than previous weeks. Not only was the twins' anniversary looming, but I've just been more emotional in general. I go from anxious about next week's ultrasound (i.e. E2 will have died, you all know what I'm talking about, that fear) to feeling warm and fuzzy about the life within my belly. What I am a little disconcerted by is the push-pull of my varied medical team.

Case in point: My IVF REs at UW wanted me to stop the daily 8% Crinone gel (progesterone up the vag) at 10 weeks...which was Tuesday. I did as instructed. Also on Tuesday, I went in per Dr. M.'s request and had a progesterone/estradiol/Vitamin D (he's freaked that I'm on 5000 iU Vit. D daily per my naturopath). Normally, I hear back from him no later than overnight the evening of the blood draw. We went to bed at 8:00 last night and I hadn't heard anything, so I took 1/2 an Estrace (1 mg) per his earlier order (he's trying to wean me off of it) given I hadn't heard otherwise. I checked my phone this morning when I got up - still no message from Dr. M. I took my Estrace again. By mid-afternoon today, when I still hadn't heard anything, I excused myself from a meeting and called Sierra to find out my results. "All normal," she said. UM! Stay on the Estrace? What about the Crinone? She said stay on everything...and I've been 48 hours with no Crinone. Crap! She said it should be fine...and I know Dr. M. had me stay on the progesterone in oil shots until 11 weeks with the twins, so maybe that's his standard protocol...but it's not UW's standard protocol. Who do I listen to? I've decided to err on the side of caution and listen to Dr. M. (well, Sierra in this case, since I still haven't talked to Dr. M. myself). (See, and then my brain freaks and thinks, great, I'm going to lose E2 because I took myself off the progesterone sooner than I should have and my body can't do this and the placenta isn't making enough progesterone on its own yet and...you know, total and utter crazy train. Stop the insanity! I am not bleeding, I am not cramping, I have no reason to think anything is wrong and E2 won't have a perfectly normal heartbeat on Monday!)

What I Miss: My twins, and preparing for the holidays with two little people who would be busy exploring all the new stuff in their environment. And, my innocence.

Looking Forward To: Being done with this first trimester and past the 14-week mark. I know, I know, that's future tripping...but still.

Next Appointment: Monday, December 10th for an ultrasound at 10w6d.

I leave you with a belly shot comparison...same gestational age, two different pregnancies. There is a little bit of bloat in both, but you get the idea. Funny thing is, I was in complete denial just two or three days before the bottom picture that I was actually showing. HA!

Belly 2012 - 9w4d with E2 (and Bella Band
...that weird thing that looks like my belly button
is the unbuttoned fly of my jeans)

Belly 2011 - 9w4d with the twins. My
belly was firmer then than now, but still...
isn't the size uncanny?

16 months

Today is sixteen months since Paul and I felt the incredible surge of immediate, unconditional love for our perfect, tiny children - the kind of love parents get to realize each time a child is born - at the same time as the soul-crushing, breath-taking sorrow that only those of us who have lost our children can ever experience. I can't believe this huge amount of time has passed. In the early months it felt like time was both creeping and speeding by, and looking back at the ride we've been on since, holy cow. How it it sixteen months already when I remember it like it was just yesterday? And how surreal it is that we are finally at that awkward, grateful, sad place of mourning what we've lost, what we can never have back, that sixteen months of parenting dead children instead of living ones, while also holding the fear and hope of carrying new life.

When we started trying to conceive again those four ART cycles after our loss (and the many natural in between), each time I'd think, "Yes, if we do conceive now, I will have to say that this child wouldn't exist if we hadn't lost the babies, because I'd still be pregnant", or "...I'd still be postpartum", or ..."there's no way we'd try again this soon".

In reality, we should have two nearly 11-month old babies at home. We would - if we'd decided that, yes, we did still want to try for a third - be talking now about trying again. I could be more fertile after a live birth...it happens. We could have a living sibling for a living Aliya and Bennett. But it wouldn't be this sibling, conceived through IVF (which we wouldn't be ready for, and probably couldn't afford with twins in daycare). Even if we had done IVF and ICSI and PGD, we may not have so easily come to the decision of going forward with this pregnancy, knowing this child may have some challenges.

Baby loss changes things. It changes everything. And though I may not cry every day now (got that, stupid pregnant hormones?!), I still miss what we've lost every day, and wish for what we should have now, and struggle with balancing that with what we are so blessed to have today, one day at a time. I will be a different mother, and Paul a different father, than we ever would have been had things not gone so horribly wrong. I only hope we will be better parents for it.

9 weeks 2 days

Tardy again?! But of course! I was actually finding reasons tonight that I should procrastinate writing this now, but then I heard Paul's voicemail that he won't be home for another three hours, and suddenly my reasons started disintegrating. So...

How Far Along: 9 weeks 2 days (baby is the size of a grape)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Holding steady at 4 lbs gained so far.

Maternity Clothes: After suffering all day yesterday in a pair of khaki pants I wear every week (seriously, unbuttoned AND all the way unzipped and still miserable!), I retired those and reached for my black maternity slacks today. I quickly remembered why I didn't really like them...the fabric doesn't feel right and they catch every teensy speck of lint. I'll definitely have more maternity clothes shopping in my future, but I'm hoping I don't have to bust out the maternity pants more than once a week or so (just due to few business casual options that are comfortable now).

Movement: Not that I can feel, but E2 is busy forming muscles right now and should start moving involuntarily by the end of the week!

Sleep: Still pretty good, and still interrupted by 4-6 potty breaks during the night.

Baby's Sex: Not telling. :)

Symptoms: Oy. Nausea continues to break through periodically, worse in the evening if I'm up past my (early) bedtime. The constipation is still awful. I'll be adding a probiotic and digestive enzymes this weekend, and have been ordered to request a prescription for a compounded suppository called a (not even making this up!) "Bottom Rocket". Fun times.

Cravings: Sporadic and fleeting, but rather annoying. A full steak dinner from Saylors Country Kitchen, our favorite Portland, OR steakhouse (2 hours away!) comes up frequently and can't be satisfied until I don't know when. (Tragic.) Today on my way home, I suddenly craved a giant, fully loaded baked potato. Thankfully, fleeting. I was craving fish and we had a nice BBQ'd salmon dinner last night with broccoli and a rice/quinoa mix, so I'm good there. :)

Belly Button In or Out: In.

Freak-out of the Week: None this week, so far. My first prenatal appointment turned out to be just an ultrasound...it felt very deja vu to my last pregnancy, where Dr. M. did ultrasounds every two weeks (7, 9 and 11; this time I had 6 weeks at UW, then this week at nearly 8w6d with Dr. M., and again in two weeks at 10w6d). I felt extremely well cared for. He's received a bunch of stuff from Dr. C. at UW and is on board with "the plan", and had even pulled a page out of one of his journals so he could show me a recent study that stated the chance of recurrence of preterm labor with a singleton after the preterm labor and loss of twins is "only" 5.8%, compared to 0.8% for "normal" people. (Then he said, "I know that's still too high, and we'll do everything we can to prevent it.")

What I Miss: I mentioned milestones last week, and yesterday I saw video proof...my friend's son, who should be two weeks younger than Aliya and Bennett, demonstrated his new take-two-steps ability - on camera. Ouch.

Looking Forward To: The end of my first trimester...approximately 3.5 weeks away. I'm hoping for an end to (or, at least, a recess from) the nausea (no more Zofran!), constipation (until later, anyway) and extreme fatigue. However, end of first trimester means that nasty 14w2d milestone is only 4 weeks from today.

Next Appointment: December 10th for another ultrasound with Dr. M.

I'll leave you with two pictures before I force myself to cook dinner. :)


E2 at 8w6d (measuring 8w4d).
The heart rate was 186.

This monstrosity is my chart at Dr. M.'s (turned inside out),
all 2 years 4 months of it. Gads.

8 weeks 1 day

Sorry for the radio silence. What started out as mild nausea quickly progressed to misery once I threw up, and the meds I'm on for that (plus being pregnant) have queued up zombie-like exhaustion...to the point that I can't generally comprehend turning on the computer when I come home from work.

(I did actually get about halfway through a post on Tuesday, but the iPhone Blogger app doesn't save posts, and in my rush to make a post-lunch meeting, I shut the application down and lost everything. Doh!)

In order to force myself to post at least weekly, and as a way of journaling this pregnancy (something I didn't do at all with the twins), I'm following in some of my fellow babyloss-rainbow-mama-blogger pals' footsteps and starting a weekly pregnancy update. Enjoy!

How Far Along: 8 weeks (baby is the size of a large raspberry or a kidney bean, whichever you prefer)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: In yesterday's post, I was going to say 1.5 lbs. But then I weighed myself this morning. OMG. I'm up 4 lbs. WTH?

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, although I am showing a bit. I can't button any of my pants, and some of my tops are a little tight across the belly. Maternity pants are sounding appealing, but I'm going to try and hold out until 12 weeks if I can.

Movement: Despite what some silly women in the BabyCenter threads think ("OMG, I felt my BB move and I'm only 6w2d!"), baby still isn't moving at all at 8 weeks...and even if he/she was, it's way too early to feel anything. I'm hoping to feel something around 14 weeks like I did with Bennett.

Sleep: Pretty decent, except for the 4-6 potty breaks during the night (up from my usual 2-3) and the occasional searing round ligament pain when I roll over too quickly.

Baby's Sex: We know E2's sex, but we're keeping it largely under wraps for now. (As for gender, which is what this question usually asks for, that's for him/her to decide when he/she is older.)

Symptoms: Well...fairly well managed through drugs. My morning sickness ended up beginning to follow the same timing and pattern as it had with the twins...tiny twinges of nausea throughout the day starting at 5w5d, followed by a ramping up of all-day misery in the 6th week, followed by an episode of vomiting at work at 7 weeks. By then, I was crying all the time when I was alone. Turns out, I have PTSD, something that makes sense, in hindsight, but something I didn't consider until my counselor informed me that yes, I have it. She also said if managing my morning (all day) sickness was taking more of 120 minutes of my day (yes, every waking hour, actually), I should not be afraid to request drugs. So, I cried "Uncle" and requested a prescription for Zofran, which I started last Thursday night at 7w2d. Up until the last couple of days, the Zofran - plus the Vitamin B-6 3x daily and a nightly Unisom - was doing a beautiful job of keeping the nausea at bay. I think my hormones have ramped up again, though, because the last couple of days I'm having a harder time...but it's still less than the very earliest level, so I'm good. The downside to Zofran is it's nasty side effect: constipation. Holy Hell. I've added Colace, Benefiber and some relief cream to my arsenal to combat that. (More than you ever wanted to know, huh?)

Cravings: Nothing steady. On my way home tonight, I had a sudden craving for a salmon burger. Not just any salmon burger, but Tom Douglas' salmon burger, which I've only had one time. I can't fulfill that one...his restaurants are in Seattle, and there's no.way.in.Hell we're driving to Seattle tonight. (Besides, I'm in my sweats with a fire going and don't even want to step back outside the house tonight!) I'm thrilled that the Zofran allows me to eat (and gain weight, apparently). Looking forward to yummy food tomorrow night for sure!

Belly Button In or Out: I'm an innie girl, and it's solidly still in, where I expect it to stay until a much later date. (By 14 weeks with the twins, the area around my belly button was already starting to hurt because the top of my uterus (fundus) was already about two inches above it and trying to turn it inside out. It didn't happen, though.)

Freak-out of the Week: Honestly, none. I haven't freaked out since just before our first ultrasound, when that stupid dream had me convinced we had multiples in there again. #nightmare

What I Miss: Right now, being a mommy to two 10.5-month old babes who would be trying to walk and causing a ruckus in our household. As friends' kids hit those milestones, it stings.

Looking Forward To: My first prenatal appointment with Dr. M. on Monday, November 26th. I'll be 8w6d and hope he'll give me an ultrasound. (I'm thinking he will since we haven't seen E2 since 11/8 and he hasn't seen the bean at all...he likes to verify things with his own eyes.)

Next Appointment: See above.

No belly shots this week, but I'll start those soon...as soon as I don't look quite as much like something the cat dragged in.

Let the retching begin

Warning: pity party ahead.

Morning sickness appeared at 5w6d or so...right about the same time as it had with the twins. No biggie, just waves of nausea through all hours of the day and night and getting a little worse with each passing day.

At the suggestion of Dr. C., my MFM, I started taking 50mg Vitamin B-6 three times daily with 1/2 a Unisom at night. I started this on Saturday and felt pretty good, although yesterday I was completely exhausted.

Well, this morning I felt a little questionable as I got ready for work. Hot flashes...not a good sign. During my commute, I contemplated turning around and going home, but I soldiered on.

I made it to 8:00...and then I puked. Have I mentioned how many times I vomited in the bathroom at work while pregnant with the twins? The nausea bit was flashback-inducing enough. This, though, has brought me right back to how much my last pregnancy sucked.

I ended up leaving work and am home in my sweats. I've eaten some but another episode feels inevitable.

We'll see how I do the next few days. I'm not due to see Dr. M. for my first prenatal appointment until 11/26 -*after* Thanksgiving. My naturopath said yesterday she has many other tricks up her sleeve to combat morning sickness before I resort to drugs. I'm sorry...I have an extremely high pain tolerance, but I cannot tolerate *this* for another 5-7 weeks. I've already done that once. In fact, I forgot until today that I used to wonder whether there had been a connection between my vomiting and Aliya's first abruption (at 7w3d, just 3 gestational days from where I am now).

Regardless...I will try whatever I can, but I need a pretty quick fix.

Plugging along

It's official: We have one healthy grain of rice-sized embryo on board! Our first ultrasound was Thursday, November 8th up at our fertility clinic in Seattle. I'd had another very vivid dream, only instead of an empty uterus, this time there were twins and a third embryo that had stopped developing. Stupid pregnancy brain. It stressed me out for days. I was more concerned that we would see more than one heartbeat than I was that we'd find no heartbeat at all.

Well,  no need to stress. Our ONE little emby was clearly visible, it's little heart flickering away. We were so relieved! The appointment was over quickly, but Dr. H. asked us to please send a photo of our baby to them in July for their photo wall. Sure thing.

After that, we drove over to the main UW Medical Center campus for our other two appointments. We were super early so had plenty of time to people watch (my God, people walk fast!) and eat some lunch.

We met with the genetics counselor first. She didn't really tell us anything we hadn't already found ourselves online. She did offer us a referral to Seattle Children's Hospital if we'd like to speak with doctors who treat babies with the syndrome we're facing, but we've decided to wait until we know we actually have problems severe enough to need that consult.

Finally, we met with Dr. C., my MFM. Poor Paul seemed overwhelmed by the talk of all the ultrasounds I'm going to have during this pregnancy. I think because he expects to be present at each one, he's worried about how much time he'll need to take off, but luckily, many of those ultrasounds will just be to measure my cervical length (from 16 weeks to 26 weeks), so we won't even look at the baby during those. We will have an NT scan up at UW on December 20th at 12 weeks 2 days to screen for other genetic problems (this was the scan the twins did so well at), and then our full anatomy scan ultrasound at 20 weeks. Most of my appointments will be in Olympia with Dr. M., the first being November 26th for my first prenatal visit.

Things so far are great. I'm calling myself the Hungry Hippo because that's how my appetite has been...a good thing, since morning sickness arrived at 5w5d, right on schedule (about the same as with the twins), and while I haven't thrown up yet, each day it's getting a little worse. Let's just say my gag reflex is alive and well. Given I didn't gain any weight with the twins during my entire 14w2d pregnancy, I'm trying to get a head start just in case I end up as sick as I was. Dr. C. recommended I try 50 mg of Vitamin B-6 three times a day, and half a Unisom pill at night, as that combination has been shown to be very effective in reducing nausea. I'll start today, but will not hesitate to ask for a prescription this time if it doesn't work. I don't want to spend my entire first trimester miserable again.

No other worries or complaints right now. I haven't spotted at all, which is reassuring...although I didn't until Aliya's abruption at 7w3d last time, either, so it's hard to say. I do know we're in the very best possible hands, and I will be very carefully monitored throughout my pregnancy:

• Cervical length ultrasounds from 16-26 weeks
• Hydroxyprogesterone (P17) shots weekly from 16-36 weeks or until delivery, whichever comes first
• Blood pressure monitoring (it's in the low pre-hypertension range currently)
• Frequent growth ultrasounds and nonstress tests in my 3rd trimester due to the blood pressure

It's still so very early. Anything can happen. We don't anticipate our little one having additional issues that could lead to early miscarriage, but the PGD can't screen hearts or neurological systems, so if there's a physical defect, we wouldn't know yet. We are in no way out of the woods. We won't feel out of the woods until we reach that 28-week mark...Paul already identified that for both of us. But, for today, we're still pregnant and grateful.

Little E2 at 6w2d along.

Here comes crazy

I'm pretty sure I jinxed myself. Just last night, I turned to Paul as we lazed on the couch and asked, "Can you believe we're so calm about being pregnant?" He couldn't.

Well, never mind. This morning I awoke from a very vivid dream in which Dr. H. performed our first ultrasound (which is still 8 days away), and my uterus was completely empty. There was not only no embryo with a heartbeat, which is what we hope to see, but there wasn't even a gestational sac. Nothing...like I was never pregnant.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling very calm today. Pregnancy symptoms this early come and go, but even knowing that (and having experienced it with the twins), I can't shake this feeling of dread. I decided if I still felt this way on Friday, I'd go have Dr. M.'s office run another beta (one that Dr. H. didn't request; that office only wanted the two I already got). After messaging with a friend, though, (hi EJ!) I decided to go today.

Sierra was great. The test may not be run until tomorrow because the lab director isn't in today, but even knowing it will be helps.

Anything can happen between today and next Thursday (hell, anything can happen at any point from here in out). I can only pray my dream does not come true...

Edited to add: my beta was 4,830. The doubling rate has slowed a bit, but is still faster than it was with the twins. I feel better now!