I've been carrying the below around on a sticky note for years, since three months after I was diagnosed with PPD and PTSD, in fact, and rereading it, I realized it still rings true...although the glue is no longer as fresh.
*****
6/26/12
I am a China cup, once all pretty patterned, smooth outside, delicate handle. Then, dropped to the ground, shattered, scattered in jagged pieces. Now, glued slowly back together, still patterned, still a cup, but now imperfect, rumpled, no longer smooth. I still hold the same inside, mostly, but it's moved by the lumpiness of the glued together fragments.
The same, but not at all.
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Feeling all the feelings
Asher recently moved up to the toddler room at daycare. He's following their routines, washing his hands, closing and opening doors, putting toys away. Sharing. Today, while signing Paul and myself up to chaperone some of the class's summer field trips, the date of one I was considering popped out for the first time, even though I've looked at it numerous times in the last week.
August 5th. The day my babies died.
My breath caught in my throat. After a quick deliberation, I signed up to chaperone that day. I suppose it's better to spend a few hours at a park and getting ice cream with my rainbow boy, who turns two in just six days, than trying not to cry while sitting among my co-workers at my desk, very few of whom know my story.
It's clear that so many people around me have forgotten about our babies. Life has moved on. We have a handsome handful of a towhead toddler running us ragged. We must be all fixed, like none of it ever happened.
It's true that I have joy in my life today. I laugh every day at and with my funny boy. He's the life of every party, and has a harem of little girlfriends at daycare. He's a sunshine, no doubt, an extrovert and people person, making friends right and left with people of all ages. As much happiness as he brings me, his siblings are missing. There are holes in our family that can't be filled by anyone, not even him.
This past weekend we joined other bereaved parents at the TEARS Foundation's Rock & Walk event in honor of our lost babies. In talking with my friend at and after the event, several feelings came up: the anxiety leading up to the event, the absolute annoyance during the event (like why in fuck do we need a 45 minute opening ceremony when we're really all there just to remember and honor our dead babies?), and the emotional exhaustion after. As I walked slowly around the track with my mom ahead of Paul and Asher, I said, "I still cannot believe this is my life." The life of dead babies. Of years of heartbreak and infertility. The exclusion. The isolation. The trying to navigate joy with pain, the devastating guilt I feel when Asher is pummeling my very last nerve, wondering when, if ever, these contradictory feelings will fade.
We're almost to the four year mark. I can look back in my mind's eye to the events that happened on the 4th and 5th of August so many years ago as if I'm watching someone else's movie, detached. But the lingering effects of our journey to build a family and claw my way through the reality of life after babyloss are still very much real and alive.
It hurts my heart.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Right where I am: 2 years, 11 months and 29 days
I've been so painfully silent on this space for so long - almost a year - that it's hard to know where to even start. There's so much to say, but it jumbles all together in my head and my heart: the joy, the pain, the struggles, the happiness, the growth, the setbacks. I'll pick it up somehow and bring you all forward with me. I credit Angie from Still Life With Circles for reminding me to write my grief as it is today. It feels like a good place to start.
In two days, we will be at the 3-year anniversary of Aliya's water breaking. 4:50p.m. PDT. In three days, the anniversary of my induction and their deaths and deliveries...the start of our real Hell. For much of the last year, Aliya and Bennett have felt very distant, almost like losing them was a lifetime ago, something that happened before I was me. Mothering a living child after losing our worlds has been very, very difficult and not at all what I imagined. I had no mental space to grieve. I wondered whether I had really just successfully moved forward without them, somehow. The only thing I've really felt for sure, based on how Asher's first year went for me, mentally and emotionally, was that I have serious, serious doubts that I could have actually mothered Aliya and Bennett if they had survived.
As Asher's first birthday approached, my grief resurfaced, and I found myself in tears and struggling to manage my anxiety (despite continued counseling and Pa.xil). I can't say I honestly felt what I'd been missing out on with the twins, because it wasn't that. Perhaps it was that he was finally reaching such a huge milestone, one that also brought the risk of losing him to SIDS down to negligible. He had been sleeping through the night for five months, he was growing and thriving, showing his personality, and was about to be celebrated by all of our family - both sides - for the first time since his birth. I was full of so many emotions...and also a lot of regret that his first year hadn't been "better"...that I hadn't been better. I guess that's it. Regret breeds regret, which leads to guilt and sorrow...and those roads lead to Aliya and Bennett.
Now, right on the cusp of our 3-year anniversary (how is that even possible?), even though just a few days ago I remarked to another BLM I know in the flesh (who lost her daughter 11 years ago, so is a veteran) how ok I was at the time...now, for the last two days, the tears have been freely flowing, right under the surface. Last week the dates meant nothing to me (I had to really think about them and their significance to our loss story), but BOOM, yesterday, August 1st, it all came flooding back. It's a cluster, timing-wise...I decided to wean myself off the Pa.xil last weekend (yeah, don't know what I was thinking), I'm PMSing (and spotting, incidentally, the exact same color and consistency as I was this time 3 years ago, although this time it only harkens my cycle, not impending tragedy), and it's anniversary week. Paul's left to go fishing last night, so I had the house and Asher to myself. The anxiety gave me a run, causing me to shut and lock any windows that could possibly allow an intruder to slip in overnight, even thought it was so damned hot in the house and I knew shutting those windows would prevent a good cooling off (I was right). Then, getting ready for bed, I needed Asher. He was sound asleep, but I crept in and put my hands on him to feel him breathe (like Paul and I both do every.single.night, just to be sure). I sat in his rocking chair, quiet as a mouse, listening to him breathe. He stirred, and I then felt like an idiot because if he awoke, it would be my fault! (He didn't, and I was able to slip back out, undetected.) Today, while he napped, I watched Notting Hill...and even the sweet places in the movie that bring me to happy tears then brought me to sobbing for myself, my babies, my fears. God help me.
Sometimes it pulls at my heart to see 2-year olds playing together, but not always. I always notice twins still, but, thankfully, rarely see girl/boy twins of that age. But as Asher works on standing and walking, and is becoming increasingly in need of reassurance and hugs (mama, really), that's where it grabs me. I am missing those hugs around the neck. I am missing those silly grins and the belly laughs...the sharing of blueberries and pacifiers, the "MumMum" and "Mama". And that hurts so much.
In two days, we will be at the 3-year anniversary of Aliya's water breaking. 4:50p.m. PDT. In three days, the anniversary of my induction and their deaths and deliveries...the start of our real Hell. For much of the last year, Aliya and Bennett have felt very distant, almost like losing them was a lifetime ago, something that happened before I was me. Mothering a living child after losing our worlds has been very, very difficult and not at all what I imagined. I had no mental space to grieve. I wondered whether I had really just successfully moved forward without them, somehow. The only thing I've really felt for sure, based on how Asher's first year went for me, mentally and emotionally, was that I have serious, serious doubts that I could have actually mothered Aliya and Bennett if they had survived.
As Asher's first birthday approached, my grief resurfaced, and I found myself in tears and struggling to manage my anxiety (despite continued counseling and Pa.xil). I can't say I honestly felt what I'd been missing out on with the twins, because it wasn't that. Perhaps it was that he was finally reaching such a huge milestone, one that also brought the risk of losing him to SIDS down to negligible. He had been sleeping through the night for five months, he was growing and thriving, showing his personality, and was about to be celebrated by all of our family - both sides - for the first time since his birth. I was full of so many emotions...and also a lot of regret that his first year hadn't been "better"...that I hadn't been better. I guess that's it. Regret breeds regret, which leads to guilt and sorrow...and those roads lead to Aliya and Bennett.
Now, right on the cusp of our 3-year anniversary (how is that even possible?), even though just a few days ago I remarked to another BLM I know in the flesh (who lost her daughter 11 years ago, so is a veteran) how ok I was at the time...now, for the last two days, the tears have been freely flowing, right under the surface. Last week the dates meant nothing to me (I had to really think about them and their significance to our loss story), but BOOM, yesterday, August 1st, it all came flooding back. It's a cluster, timing-wise...I decided to wean myself off the Pa.xil last weekend (yeah, don't know what I was thinking), I'm PMSing (and spotting, incidentally, the exact same color and consistency as I was this time 3 years ago, although this time it only harkens my cycle, not impending tragedy), and it's anniversary week. Paul's left to go fishing last night, so I had the house and Asher to myself. The anxiety gave me a run, causing me to shut and lock any windows that could possibly allow an intruder to slip in overnight, even thought it was so damned hot in the house and I knew shutting those windows would prevent a good cooling off (I was right). Then, getting ready for bed, I needed Asher. He was sound asleep, but I crept in and put my hands on him to feel him breathe (like Paul and I both do every.single.night, just to be sure). I sat in his rocking chair, quiet as a mouse, listening to him breathe. He stirred, and I then felt like an idiot because if he awoke, it would be my fault! (He didn't, and I was able to slip back out, undetected.) Today, while he napped, I watched Notting Hill...and even the sweet places in the movie that bring me to happy tears then brought me to sobbing for myself, my babies, my fears. God help me.
Sometimes it pulls at my heart to see 2-year olds playing together, but not always. I always notice twins still, but, thankfully, rarely see girl/boy twins of that age. But as Asher works on standing and walking, and is becoming increasingly in need of reassurance and hugs (mama, really), that's where it grabs me. I am missing those hugs around the neck. I am missing those silly grins and the belly laughs...the sharing of blueberries and pacifiers, the "MumMum" and "Mama". And that hurts so much.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
31 weeks 1 day
How Far Along: 31 weeks 1 day today. E2 should weigh approximately 3 pounds (the weight of 4 navel oranges), but we all know he weighed more than that, um, three weeks ago. He should be about 17 inches long, crown to heel. OMG!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm pretty sure I must have gained about 28 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. That's a bummer, as I was hoping to somehow not gain more than 25-30 this whole pregnancy. There is no.way.period. I will not gain more than 2 pounds between now and delivery, given little man is close to putting on half a pound a week. Sigh. At least I'm still hearing that I don't look pregnant at all from the front. :)
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: He's had more big movements this past week. I was finally able to get some on video (on my phone), but I had to wait for it. Paul also finally saw E2's hiccups through my belly last night at dinner! Today it feels like he's been either rolling around or stretching his arms and legs, and it feels very Braxton-Hicks-y, which I don't love (makes me nervous). I felt a knee or elbow very clearly while my hand was resting on my belly this afternoon. Cool!
Sleep: Not bad.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Same as previous, with the addition of two episodes of really sharp pains above and to the right of my belly button. They felt like they were uterus-related, not from deep within. One of them hit last night during bathroom trip number 320 (ok, not really, but probably number 4) as I made my way back to bed. That one nearly doubled me over...but that was it. Just once, and then gone. Baby's weird movements, perhaps? Oh, and I caught Paul staring at my belly again tonight...this time, it was due to the (now very evident, angry, red) stretch marks. Sigh again.
Cravings: None...so much so that it makes deciding what to have for dinner a real pain in the ass.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top.
Freak-out of the Week: Wowsa. I wouldn't call them freak outs, but man have I shed a lot of tears this past week. There's just a lot...a lot of stress, a lot of grief, a lot of decisions that feel overwhelming, anxiety over the impending arrival of our little guy, fears that something may still go wrong, etc. One big thing is I realized the other day that May was right around the corner, which starts anew the anniversary period of conceiving the twins (May 11th), finding out we were pregnant (May 24th at home and 25th via blood test), through Aliya's first placental abruption in mid-June, through all the appointments and vaginal discharge changes and bleeding in June and July, and then her water breaking and loss of our babies in August. E2's due date is just three days before the 23 month anniversary of losing Aliya and Bennett...and the 2-year anniversary will be just a month later. It's so hard to believe...and I am missing them so, so much. We met a couple with a beautiful little almost two-year old on Sunday and she's been pulling at my heartstrings ever since. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so grateful to be expecting our little miracle boy, love him so very much already and can't wait to share our lives with him...but part of me worries I may never get to parent a living little girl, and that breaks my heart into millions and jillions of pieces and hurts me to my core. It's something I can't even say aloud to Paul because I will sob, and I just don't allow myself to fall apart like that in front of him anymore because he doesn't know what to do with me. Thank God for continued counseling.
Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!), and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!
Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: I actually made progress this week on finding daycare and a pediatrician! Nothing like realizing the stress burden was making my life unmanageable. :) I researched both over the weekend. Daycare is still difficult, but I did get on the wait list for one and toured it today. It made me a little sad to see the infants and all the cribs in one room...I don't know what I expected, but it didn't warm my heart, that's for sure. I found a pediatrician (based on the clinic and then the ped's bio) that I was interested in, and was able to set up a free "meet and greet" appointment with him for next week. I hope I like him, so I can cross that one off the list. Our remodel has made no progress in the last week, other than me now being about 80% sure that I want to keep the walls neutral and the bedding bright, rather than vice versa. (Hey, that's progress, don't knock it!) We still need to look at carpet (haven't even started that), and I do need to pick paint colors, but I do think I'm closer there, too. Oh, and choose and buy fabric for crib bedding and curtains. Again, I'm a lot closer...and thrilled that quilting and crafting are such huge hobbies for people because there are some great online fabric stores to choose from!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm pretty sure I must have gained about 28 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. That's a bummer, as I was hoping to somehow not gain more than 25-30 this whole pregnancy. There is no.way.period. I will not gain more than 2 pounds between now and delivery, given little man is close to putting on half a pound a week. Sigh. At least I'm still hearing that I don't look pregnant at all from the front. :)
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: He's had more big movements this past week. I was finally able to get some on video (on my phone), but I had to wait for it. Paul also finally saw E2's hiccups through my belly last night at dinner! Today it feels like he's been either rolling around or stretching his arms and legs, and it feels very Braxton-Hicks-y, which I don't love (makes me nervous). I felt a knee or elbow very clearly while my hand was resting on my belly this afternoon. Cool!
Sleep: Not bad.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Same as previous, with the addition of two episodes of really sharp pains above and to the right of my belly button. They felt like they were uterus-related, not from deep within. One of them hit last night during bathroom trip number 320 (ok, not really, but probably number 4) as I made my way back to bed. That one nearly doubled me over...but that was it. Just once, and then gone. Baby's weird movements, perhaps? Oh, and I caught Paul staring at my belly again tonight...this time, it was due to the (now very evident, angry, red) stretch marks. Sigh again.
Cravings: None...so much so that it makes deciding what to have for dinner a real pain in the ass.
Belly Button In or Out: Still mostly in, turning inside out a little bit more at the top.
Freak-out of the Week: Wowsa. I wouldn't call them freak outs, but man have I shed a lot of tears this past week. There's just a lot...a lot of stress, a lot of grief, a lot of decisions that feel overwhelming, anxiety over the impending arrival of our little guy, fears that something may still go wrong, etc. One big thing is I realized the other day that May was right around the corner, which starts anew the anniversary period of conceiving the twins (May 11th), finding out we were pregnant (May 24th at home and 25th via blood test), through Aliya's first placental abruption in mid-June, through all the appointments and vaginal discharge changes and bleeding in June and July, and then her water breaking and loss of our babies in August. E2's due date is just three days before the 23 month anniversary of losing Aliya and Bennett...and the 2-year anniversary will be just a month later. It's so hard to believe...and I am missing them so, so much. We met a couple with a beautiful little almost two-year old on Sunday and she's been pulling at my heartstrings ever since. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so grateful to be expecting our little miracle boy, love him so very much already and can't wait to share our lives with him...but part of me worries I may never get to parent a living little girl, and that breaks my heart into millions and jillions of pieces and hurts me to my core. It's something I can't even say aloud to Paul because I will sob, and I just don't allow myself to fall apart like that in front of him anymore because he doesn't know what to do with me. Thank God for continued counseling.
Looking Forward To: Our next milestone, 32 weeks (and my baby shower on May 11th!), and our birthing preparation workshop with the doula the weekend of May 18th!
Next Appointment: Monday, May 6th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: I actually made progress this week on finding daycare and a pediatrician! Nothing like realizing the stress burden was making my life unmanageable. :) I researched both over the weekend. Daycare is still difficult, but I did get on the wait list for one and toured it today. It made me a little sad to see the infants and all the cribs in one room...I don't know what I expected, but it didn't warm my heart, that's for sure. I found a pediatrician (based on the clinic and then the ped's bio) that I was interested in, and was able to set up a free "meet and greet" appointment with him for next week. I hope I like him, so I can cross that one off the list. Our remodel has made no progress in the last week, other than me now being about 80% sure that I want to keep the walls neutral and the bedding bright, rather than vice versa. (Hey, that's progress, don't knock it!) We still need to look at carpet (haven't even started that), and I do need to pick paint colors, but I do think I'm closer there, too. Oh, and choose and buy fabric for crib bedding and curtains. Again, I'm a lot closer...and thrilled that quilting and crafting are such huge hobbies for people because there are some great online fabric stores to choose from!
 |
| The belly at 31 weeks (yesterday). |
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
23 weeks (and 19 months)
Today marks 19 months since our firstborn daughter and son silently slipped from my body into view, perfect, so delicate, and still. We miss them so, so much. As I've mentioned before, I find it really difficult - especially the further along we get in this pregnancy (so much closer to hope) - to hold my joy and excitement and fear for this baby boy at the same time as my heartbreak and longing for Aliya and Bennett. I understand that's completely normal, and to be expected, and may feel this way until baby boy is here and at an age/developmental stage where he's gaining independence. That's, supposedly, when grief will hit me with its onslaught once again.
*****
How Far Along: 23 weeks today. E2 is the size of a grapefruit.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (22w6d), I am up 14 pounds.
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: Daily, and getting stronger.
Sleep: So so. I'm forgetful, so can't seem to remember to check out new body pillows. In the meantime, I'm double-stacking pillows and seeing how that feels. It's definitely alleviating the right hip and rib pain, but not all aches and pains. That's ok.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Nausea a couple of days this week (despite the Zofran and B-6), aches and pains, fatigue, sleeping poorly, rosacea flare-ups, hot flashes, a little harder to get up from a sitting (or lying down) position, constipation, forgetfulness.
Cravings: None.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still shallow.
Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs, but I am feeling Braxton Hicks a little more frequently (which does scare me a little each time). Baby also was kind of quiet over the weekend, but made up for it today.
Looking Forward To: Making it one more week to 24 weeks - VIABILITY. It's amazing how very much that milestone means to Paul and I both right now.
Next Appointment: Monday, March 11th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: We're signed up for a weekend Birth Preparation Workshop in May, and we're both excited (probably me more than Paul, but he's excited, too). I'll be 33 weeks then. After that, we'll meet with the doula, who teaches the workshop, to formulate our birth plan. One of these days I'll remember to write about meeting with the doula, and why we (well, mostly I, but Paul's being supportive) want to hire her and how that will hopefully help us. Meanwhile, I've started researching childcare options. Holy Hell, is this ever overwhelming! I'm once again going through some upheaval and transition at work (although not as drastic as last December 2011/January 2012), so it's unclear whether I'll be able to telecommute two days per week (and save on daycare those two days) or whether Baby Boy will end up in daycare five days per week. Just trying to determine what type of care (center or in-home, and if in-home, licensed or not) when I have a 19-mile, 35-minute commute each way to consider and no one close by to request referrals of makes it overwhelming. I got a lead on a private Facebook group that might be of help, though, so I'm going to give that a whirl. I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom, but I know myself; not only am I just about an equal breadwinner in this marriage (and the holder of the very affordable health insurance for the family), but I would also go a little nuts without adult interactions every day and a sense of personal accomplishment through contributing toward and completing work-related tasks. It's just who I am. Still, this daycare thing weighs heavy.
*****
How Far Along: 23 weeks today. E2 is the size of a grapefruit.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (22w6d), I am up 14 pounds.
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: Daily, and getting stronger.
Sleep: So so. I'm forgetful, so can't seem to remember to check out new body pillows. In the meantime, I'm double-stacking pillows and seeing how that feels. It's definitely alleviating the right hip and rib pain, but not all aches and pains. That's ok.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Nausea a couple of days this week (despite the Zofran and B-6), aches and pains, fatigue, sleeping poorly, rosacea flare-ups, hot flashes, a little harder to get up from a sitting (or lying down) position, constipation, forgetfulness.
Cravings: None.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still shallow.
Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs, but I am feeling Braxton Hicks a little more frequently (which does scare me a little each time). Baby also was kind of quiet over the weekend, but made up for it today.
Looking Forward To: Making it one more week to 24 weeks - VIABILITY. It's amazing how very much that milestone means to Paul and I both right now.
Next Appointment: Monday, March 11th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: We're signed up for a weekend Birth Preparation Workshop in May, and we're both excited (probably me more than Paul, but he's excited, too). I'll be 33 weeks then. After that, we'll meet with the doula, who teaches the workshop, to formulate our birth plan. One of these days I'll remember to write about meeting with the doula, and why we (well, mostly I, but Paul's being supportive) want to hire her and how that will hopefully help us. Meanwhile, I've started researching childcare options. Holy Hell, is this ever overwhelming! I'm once again going through some upheaval and transition at work (although not as drastic as last December 2011/January 2012), so it's unclear whether I'll be able to telecommute two days per week (and save on daycare those two days) or whether Baby Boy will end up in daycare five days per week. Just trying to determine what type of care (center or in-home, and if in-home, licensed or not) when I have a 19-mile, 35-minute commute each way to consider and no one close by to request referrals of makes it overwhelming. I got a lead on a private Facebook group that might be of help, though, so I'm going to give that a whirl. I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom, but I know myself; not only am I just about an equal breadwinner in this marriage (and the holder of the very affordable health insurance for the family), but I would also go a little nuts without adult interactions every day and a sense of personal accomplishment through contributing toward and completing work-related tasks. It's just who I am. Still, this daycare thing weighs heavy.
 |
| The belly at 23 weeks. |
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
22 weeks
How Far Along: 22 weeks today. E2 is the length of a
spaghetti squash.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (21w6d), I am up 13 pounds. Oopsie!
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: Daily.
Sleep: Not so good. We spent the night in a hotel room with super cushy beds (queen sized - two of them, thankfully), and I was able to use my extra pillows for support between my knees. I have a body pillow on our bed, but it's sort of flat, and I've wondered if that's behind a lot of my hip, rib and shoulder pain. Even with the extra cush, I still didn't sleep well, but I didn't wake up nearly as sore. Tonight will be night two of extra pillows (on top of the body pillow) in our bed...not ideal, but it'll tide me over until I buy a new body pillow.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Minor nausea (knocking on every wooden surface within reach right now!), aches and pains, fatigue, sleeping poorly, rosacea flare-ups, hot flashes, a little harder to get up from a sitting (or lying down) position, constipation, and severe ligament pains. I think it's safe to say that my uterus grew quite a bit this week. (It's measuring right on track for 22 weeks.)
Cravings: None.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, but a lot shallower. During our hotel stay I was on the bed watching my belly for movement when Paul said something funny, and when I laughed, my belly button popped out! It went back in, though. :)
Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs to speak of. However, I processed some guilt in therapy around feeling unable to properly grieve my twins while carrying this little guy. Thankfully, I was gently reminded that I can do both; it's not all or nothing either way, which is the way it feels sometimes, since grieving is often the only way I feel I can parent my firstborn daughter and son.
Looking Forward To: Another week going by with no issues (fingers crossed).
Next Appointment: Monday, March 11th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: I'm slowly buying a few things for this baby, and that feels good. I ordered a car seat cover, which arrived yesterday (finally), and bought him some clothing a few weeks ago. I have a couple of books on order for me, too - Dr. Sears' "The Baby Book - Revised Edition" and a breastfeeding book. The further along we get, the more comfortable I feel contemplating a "real" future with this little boy. Also, my appointment yesterday went well. My cervix is still long and closed (4.6 cm...weird how it gets longer and shorter, huh?), and baby looks good. Dr. M. surprised me by making the long-promised DVD of baby yesterday. At first I was bummed that Paul wasn't there, but Dr. M. was running at least a good hour behind schedule and went really fast, so that, coupled with the fact that his machine isn't as good as UW's and that ultrasound a couple of weeks ago was a really good look at E2 - made the crappy DVD ok. We did watch it last night and are glad to have it, but it's not something I'd sit the extended family down to watch...too much to explain (and some of it I couldn't even decipher because Dr. M. moved the wand so erratically at times).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (21w6d), I am up 13 pounds. Oopsie!
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: Daily.
Sleep: Not so good. We spent the night in a hotel room with super cushy beds (queen sized - two of them, thankfully), and I was able to use my extra pillows for support between my knees. I have a body pillow on our bed, but it's sort of flat, and I've wondered if that's behind a lot of my hip, rib and shoulder pain. Even with the extra cush, I still didn't sleep well, but I didn't wake up nearly as sore. Tonight will be night two of extra pillows (on top of the body pillow) in our bed...not ideal, but it'll tide me over until I buy a new body pillow.
Gender: A baby brother for Aliya and Bennett.
Symptoms: Minor nausea (knocking on every wooden surface within reach right now!), aches and pains, fatigue, sleeping poorly, rosacea flare-ups, hot flashes, a little harder to get up from a sitting (or lying down) position, constipation, and severe ligament pains. I think it's safe to say that my uterus grew quite a bit this week. (It's measuring right on track for 22 weeks.)
Cravings: None.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, but a lot shallower. During our hotel stay I was on the bed watching my belly for movement when Paul said something funny, and when I laughed, my belly button popped out! It went back in, though. :)
Freak-out of the Week: No freak outs to speak of. However, I processed some guilt in therapy around feeling unable to properly grieve my twins while carrying this little guy. Thankfully, I was gently reminded that I can do both; it's not all or nothing either way, which is the way it feels sometimes, since grieving is often the only way I feel I can parent my firstborn daughter and son.
Looking Forward To: Another week going by with no issues (fingers crossed).
Next Appointment: Monday, March 11th for another cervical length ultrasound.
Miscellaneous: I'm slowly buying a few things for this baby, and that feels good. I ordered a car seat cover, which arrived yesterday (finally), and bought him some clothing a few weeks ago. I have a couple of books on order for me, too - Dr. Sears' "The Baby Book - Revised Edition" and a breastfeeding book. The further along we get, the more comfortable I feel contemplating a "real" future with this little boy. Also, my appointment yesterday went well. My cervix is still long and closed (4.6 cm...weird how it gets longer and shorter, huh?), and baby looks good. Dr. M. surprised me by making the long-promised DVD of baby yesterday. At first I was bummed that Paul wasn't there, but Dr. M. was running at least a good hour behind schedule and went really fast, so that, coupled with the fact that his machine isn't as good as UW's and that ultrasound a couple of weeks ago was a really good look at E2 - made the crappy DVD ok. We did watch it last night and are glad to have it, but it's not something I'd sit the extended family down to watch...too much to explain (and some of it I couldn't even decipher because Dr. M. moved the wand so erratically at times).
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| E2 at 21 weeks 6 days. His nose, mouth and chin remind me of Bennett here... |
 |
| The belly at 22 weeks. |
Monday, February 18, 2013
The value of support
I think sometimes the people in our lives struggle to understand why we go to perinatal/neonatal loss support groups, especially "so far out" (not really) from losing Aliya and Bennett. Today, my online babyloss friend, Brooke, wrote a post that captures exactly how I feel about them, both the good and the "no, not me, I don't want this life" parts.
Thank you, Brooke...
Thank you, Brooke...
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Time warp: 19 weeks, and 18 months
First, my heart.
I cannot fathom that it's already been a year and a half since we met our babies. Tonight, on the anniversary of their deliveries in the same hospital, I was in the emergency room where we'd learned the fate of our babies, only this time visiting a family member (who will be fine!). I walked past the cubicle where we got our horrible news, the one where I'd laid in a puddle of amniotic fluid on my gurney for six hours previous, the one they returned us to after our final ultrasound.
Oddly, it felt ok to be in there again. Time, perhaps? Different reason?
I still do my fair share of crying, and I'm certain pregnancy hormones don't help in that endeavor, because not all of my tears are for my babies and the life I wish we had. (Even the Bud.weiser commercial during the Supre' (French!) Bowl got me this weekend.) But I am so very quick to cry, moreso than ever in my life...even more than in the early stages of grief. Things are getting better, for sure, partly because of the resources I've wrapped myself in the last 18 months. Without weekly therapy, without my beloved network of fellow babylost mamas, without our support groups...I don't know where I would be. Things over the last couple of months had gotten really hard, and they're getting better again. The waves of grief (not stages, that implies you go through once and are done) are longer, wide intervals in between the lows, and the lows don't last as long. I don't cringe every time I see or hear of multiples. My stomach doesn't drop at the thought of people around me conceiving. It's different...but it will never be the same, never what it was. I will never be the same.
Now, my new little love.
How Far Along: 19 weeks today. E2 is the size of an heirloom tomato (or a mango "dipped in greasy cheese", or vernix, quoted as per my What to Expect book). We grew a colossal Brandywine tomato this summer, so that comparison works for me (the tomato, not the greasy cheese-covered mango).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (18w6d), I was up 8 lbs total.
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: E2 was kind of quiet most of the end of last week, which was disconcerting. Today, though, baby has been moving and shaking. I'm pretty sure I felt hiccups twice today (and last night, too).
Sleep: A mixed bag. I slept pretty well last night, which was great, but not so well the previous several nights. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with rib pain, so that doesn't help.
Gender: A week and two days, and all will be revealed!
Symptoms: Hungry. Lower back/rib/sacrum pain. BELLY. Still crappy skin. Two days of vomiting last week (and yesterday morning in the kitchen sink before I left for work = not awesome + still on Zofran). Tender boobs/nipples. Darker nipples and bigger boobs (according to Paul). :)
Cravings: None. What's up with that?
Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.
Freak-out of the Week: Well...I woke up last Thursday morning with an undefined sense of dread. I ended up calling my OB's office and asking to be seen, just for peace of mind. They moved my appointment from yesterday to Thursday. All was well. My cervix grew apparently (?) and was 5.1 cm long. There was what appeared to be the start of a funnel, but Dr. M. wasn't concerned. You can bet I'll be looking at and asking about that next week (if not sooner due to another freak out). He also said - this is almost comical - I have a marginal placenta previa (um, I have always had a marginal placenta previa, except it was "resolved" last time, and he'd never called it a marginal previa, which it had been prior to "resolution"). WTH? I asked, "So, what, it moved back the wrong way since last week?!" Apparently the cervical os was at the bottom of that little "fluid pocket" (which looked like a tiny bit of funneling to my Google-trained eye), and the placenta was right to the edge of the top of the pocket, so ??? Wouldn't you know, I spotted (red) on Sunday morning for no good reason. I ended up laying very low the rest of the day, and it stopped. Me no likey. Also, even though Dr. M. had finally cleared us to have intercourse (for the first time since September), somehow we both felt a little uneasy about it so abstained. Good freaking thing. Until that sucker is good and moved away from my cervix, there will be no fun times for me. (Total aside: this was the first appointment from which I didn't leave with an ultrasound pic of E2. Travesty!)
Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan next Thursday (!) and gettting the announcement of our pregnancy behind us. Oh, and our doula appointment Friday night (it was supposed to be tonight, but we had to reschedule) - this one will occur over Thai food!
Next Appointment: Not until Thursday, February 14th. Eek!
Miscellaneous: Before I leave you with a belly shot, it was brought to my attention by two of my managers that I have apparently REALLY popped now. (I got both a, "WHOA!!," and a, "Wow, look at you!") Having looked at the picture below, I guess it's true. :)
I cannot fathom that it's already been a year and a half since we met our babies. Tonight, on the anniversary of their deliveries in the same hospital, I was in the emergency room where we'd learned the fate of our babies, only this time visiting a family member (who will be fine!). I walked past the cubicle where we got our horrible news, the one where I'd laid in a puddle of amniotic fluid on my gurney for six hours previous, the one they returned us to after our final ultrasound.
Oddly, it felt ok to be in there again. Time, perhaps? Different reason?
I still do my fair share of crying, and I'm certain pregnancy hormones don't help in that endeavor, because not all of my tears are for my babies and the life I wish we had. (Even the Bud.weiser commercial during the Supre' (French!) Bowl got me this weekend.) But I am so very quick to cry, moreso than ever in my life...even more than in the early stages of grief. Things are getting better, for sure, partly because of the resources I've wrapped myself in the last 18 months. Without weekly therapy, without my beloved network of fellow babylost mamas, without our support groups...I don't know where I would be. Things over the last couple of months had gotten really hard, and they're getting better again. The waves of grief (not stages, that implies you go through once and are done) are longer, wide intervals in between the lows, and the lows don't last as long. I don't cringe every time I see or hear of multiples. My stomach doesn't drop at the thought of people around me conceiving. It's different...but it will never be the same, never what it was. I will never be the same.
Now, my new little love.
How Far Along: 19 weeks today. E2 is the size of an heirloom tomato (or a mango "dipped in greasy cheese", or vernix, quoted as per my What to Expect book). We grew a colossal Brandywine tomato this summer, so that comparison works for me (the tomato, not the greasy cheese-covered mango).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (18w6d), I was up 8 lbs total.
Maternity Clothes: Yep.
Movement: E2 was kind of quiet most of the end of last week, which was disconcerting. Today, though, baby has been moving and shaking. I'm pretty sure I felt hiccups twice today (and last night, too).
Sleep: A mixed bag. I slept pretty well last night, which was great, but not so well the previous several nights. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with rib pain, so that doesn't help.
Gender: A week and two days, and all will be revealed!
Symptoms: Hungry. Lower back/rib/sacrum pain. BELLY. Still crappy skin. Two days of vomiting last week (and yesterday morning in the kitchen sink before I left for work = not awesome + still on Zofran). Tender boobs/nipples. Darker nipples and bigger boobs (according to Paul). :)
Cravings: None. What's up with that?
Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.
Freak-out of the Week: Well...I woke up last Thursday morning with an undefined sense of dread. I ended up calling my OB's office and asking to be seen, just for peace of mind. They moved my appointment from yesterday to Thursday. All was well. My cervix grew apparently (?) and was 5.1 cm long. There was what appeared to be the start of a funnel, but Dr. M. wasn't concerned. You can bet I'll be looking at and asking about that next week (if not sooner due to another freak out). He also said - this is almost comical - I have a marginal placenta previa (um, I have always had a marginal placenta previa, except it was "resolved" last time, and he'd never called it a marginal previa, which it had been prior to "resolution"). WTH? I asked, "So, what, it moved back the wrong way since last week?!" Apparently the cervical os was at the bottom of that little "fluid pocket" (which looked like a tiny bit of funneling to my Google-trained eye), and the placenta was right to the edge of the top of the pocket, so ??? Wouldn't you know, I spotted (red) on Sunday morning for no good reason. I ended up laying very low the rest of the day, and it stopped. Me no likey. Also, even though Dr. M. had finally cleared us to have intercourse (for the first time since September), somehow we both felt a little uneasy about it so abstained. Good freaking thing. Until that sucker is good and moved away from my cervix, there will be no fun times for me. (Total aside: this was the first appointment from which I didn't leave with an ultrasound pic of E2. Travesty!)
Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan next Thursday (!) and gettting the announcement of our pregnancy behind us. Oh, and our doula appointment Friday night (it was supposed to be tonight, but we had to reschedule) - this one will occur over Thai food!
Next Appointment: Not until Thursday, February 14th. Eek!
Miscellaneous: Before I leave you with a belly shot, it was brought to my attention by two of my managers that I have apparently REALLY popped now. (I got both a, "WHOA!!," and a, "Wow, look at you!") Having looked at the picture below, I guess it's true. :)
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| The belly at 19w. I should probably stop wearing my pre-pregnancy tees for these photos before I ruin them forever. :) |
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
18 weeks
How Far Along: 18 weeks today. Holy cow. E2 is the size of a sweet potato (or the length of a bell pepper, take your pick), weighing in somewhere around 7 ounces (more the double the weight of Aliya and Bennett combined), with a crown-rump length of 5.5 inches (2 inches longer than baby's siblings). E2's feet this week - considering the 50th percentile (and we both have big feet, so they're likely a little bigger than this) - are just over an inch long. That's twice the length of Aliya's and Bennett's feet (theirs were just over 1/2 an inch at 14w2d). Amazing the growth that occurs in just four weeks.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (17w6d), I was up 7 lbs total.
Maternity Clothes: 100%, well, except for undies. I'm actually back in my "regular" undies, which hit an inch or so above my pubic bone. I'm finding those more comfortable currently than my granny panties, which come up over my belly button.
Movement: Getting much more frequent and stronger. Today I felt a kick from the outside for the first time ever. It was amazing!
Sleep: Crappy. And the dreams, OMG!
Gender: Two weeks 2 days and counting...
Symptoms: Ravenous hunger; stuffy nose; still nauseous (still on Zofran). Occassional ligament pains this week. Spotty short term memory. A little clumsy (I've opened cupboard doors into my belly more times this last week than I'd care to admit). Sore nipples. Slightly improved skin (yay!). Lower back/backside of ribs pain. Less fatigue this week.
Cravings: None this week...although I've been sort of jonesing for some Hostess, especially those cinnamon sugar-ish donuts in the mixed box (you know, powdered sugar, cinnamon sugar and plain...the plain are only good for picking up bits of the stuff that falls off the other two kinds). Sad, isn't it? Perhaps a buyer will come through and start producing those products again soon...by which time, I probably won't want to be anywhere near them.
Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.
Freak-out of the Week: No freak-outs, just grief. I can't believe my babies will have been gone a year and a half in just a week. How has that much time gone by? I hate that they feel so far away from me...and at the same time, I'm finding it really difficult to grieve and be pregnant at the same time, which I know is normal. Perhaps part of it is we're closer to the end of the 18- to 24-month hard grieving timeline we were told we might experience, and it's actually easier...but I feel more like I don't have the mental space, and that's not a pleasant place to be. It's my job to keep my babies' memory alive...it's the ONLY way I can mother my children. And I just don't feel like I'm doing a very good job right now...even though I cry every single stinking weekend.
Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan, and announcing our pregnancy. I keep having to catch myself from posting a telling remark in reply to my friends' comments on Facebook. But, really, I just won't feel ready to come clean until after the anatomy scan.
Next Appointment: Monday, February 4th for another transvaginal cervical length ultrasound. We're also (finally!) meeting with a doula on the evening of Tuesday, February 5th. I'll talk about that in a future post.
Miscellaneous: I was stuck listening at my desk to an awful 2-hour webinar at work today (yawn), so I entertained myself by Googling "fetal foot length" and then marking lengths for 18 and 20 weeks on a piece of scrap paper. Then I found an online medical journal with charts for bone lengths at almost ALL gestations (femur, fibula, tibula, humerus, radius, ulna) and wrote those down. Arms don't contribute to length, but it is interesting how arms and legs are nearly the same lengths by now (like, within a millimeter or two). I was really curious how big E2 is in comparison to my little angels, my only frames of reference. Aliya and Bennett were 5.5 inches and 5.0 inches crown to heel, respectively (by Nurse V's tape). If I assume 50th percentile all across the board, then E2 should measure somewhere around 7.4 inches crown to heel. (Paul and I are both tall - I'm nearly 5'10" and he's 6'2" - so E2 might be longer than that.) WOW.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (17w6d), I was up 7 lbs total.
Maternity Clothes: 100%, well, except for undies. I'm actually back in my "regular" undies, which hit an inch or so above my pubic bone. I'm finding those more comfortable currently than my granny panties, which come up over my belly button.
Movement: Getting much more frequent and stronger. Today I felt a kick from the outside for the first time ever. It was amazing!
Sleep: Crappy. And the dreams, OMG!
Gender: Two weeks 2 days and counting...
Symptoms: Ravenous hunger; stuffy nose; still nauseous (still on Zofran). Occassional ligament pains this week. Spotty short term memory. A little clumsy (I've opened cupboard doors into my belly more times this last week than I'd care to admit). Sore nipples. Slightly improved skin (yay!). Lower back/backside of ribs pain. Less fatigue this week.
Cravings: None this week...although I've been sort of jonesing for some Hostess, especially those cinnamon sugar-ish donuts in the mixed box (you know, powdered sugar, cinnamon sugar and plain...the plain are only good for picking up bits of the stuff that falls off the other two kinds). Sad, isn't it? Perhaps a buyer will come through and start producing those products again soon...by which time, I probably won't want to be anywhere near them.
Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.
Freak-out of the Week: No freak-outs, just grief. I can't believe my babies will have been gone a year and a half in just a week. How has that much time gone by? I hate that they feel so far away from me...and at the same time, I'm finding it really difficult to grieve and be pregnant at the same time, which I know is normal. Perhaps part of it is we're closer to the end of the 18- to 24-month hard grieving timeline we were told we might experience, and it's actually easier...but I feel more like I don't have the mental space, and that's not a pleasant place to be. It's my job to keep my babies' memory alive...it's the ONLY way I can mother my children. And I just don't feel like I'm doing a very good job right now...even though I cry every single stinking weekend.
Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan, and announcing our pregnancy. I keep having to catch myself from posting a telling remark in reply to my friends' comments on Facebook. But, really, I just won't feel ready to come clean until after the anatomy scan.
Next Appointment: Monday, February 4th for another transvaginal cervical length ultrasound. We're also (finally!) meeting with a doula on the evening of Tuesday, February 5th. I'll talk about that in a future post.
Miscellaneous: I was stuck listening at my desk to an awful 2-hour webinar at work today (yawn), so I entertained myself by Googling "fetal foot length" and then marking lengths for 18 and 20 weeks on a piece of scrap paper. Then I found an online medical journal with charts for bone lengths at almost ALL gestations (femur, fibula, tibula, humerus, radius, ulna) and wrote those down. Arms don't contribute to length, but it is interesting how arms and legs are nearly the same lengths by now (like, within a millimeter or two). I was really curious how big E2 is in comparison to my little angels, my only frames of reference. Aliya and Bennett were 5.5 inches and 5.0 inches crown to heel, respectively (by Nurse V's tape). If I assume 50th percentile all across the board, then E2 should measure somewhere around 7.4 inches crown to heel. (Paul and I are both tall - I'm nearly 5'10" and he's 6'2" - so E2 might be longer than that.) WOW.
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| The belly at 18 weeks. It still looks much the same, although it feels a little "pointier" today near the top. |
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
15 weeks 3 days - the week beyond
I'm really sorry this is tardy. I know from messages (hi!!) that I've freaked at least a few of you out by my silence. Things are good...I've had evening commitments three nights this week and haven't had a chance to post. (Well, I tried to pound this out last night between Paul's shower and our racing out the door to support group, but Blogger wouldn't upload photos, so...yeah. Editing tonight to change the date to 15w3d (!), uploading two photos and hitting Publish. That's it. I swear!)
*****
How Far Along: 15 weeks 3 days today. E2 is the size of an apple or a navel orange, take your pick. (Bigger than the apples in our house, though, since baby measured 8.91cm CRL= 3.5 inches at 14w6d. I guess I bought small apples!)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of Tuesday (15 weeks), I was up 4 lbs total.
Maternity Clothes: Danger, Will Robinson! The maternity pants are great. I could use one more pair. I'm in desperate need of tops, pronto! As of today, when I caught myself looking like a brick house in the work bathroom mirror and realized the button-up sweater I chose (and thought looked ok this morning) had to be retired effective this evening, I now have four tops I can wear to work that fit and flatter (sort of), and I work 5 days per week. Fatigue has kept me from aggressively pursuing maternity shopping...but if I must drag my butt an hour north to Tacoma to do it this weekend, I will do it...or die trying.
Movement: Many times per day. E2 seems to have one or two days of high activity, followed by a day or two of less activity. Last night, though, as I was trying to fall asleep on my left side (where baby is), I giggled out loud because holy crap, kid!
Sleep: So so. I seem to wake up more during trips to the bathroom (down to about 4 per night instead of 6), making it harder to fall back to sleep. Bummer.
Gender: I think we may wait until after the anatomy scan to reveal the sex here (and our pregnancy publically on FB, etc.)...so hang tight for Valentine's Day evening!
Symptoms: Tummy=bottomless pit; stuffy nose; no vomiting for the past 10 days, but the past two have required 2 Zofran per day and 3 Vitamin B-6s to control the nausea and prevent upchucking. Occasional searing ligament pains (the ones that stretch all the way across from one side to the other are becoming more prevalent...I couldn't get up out of my desk chair today at work until one passed). Very spotty short term memory. Sore boobs (I thought that was going away). I'm still waiting for that 2nd trimester glow...my skin still looks awful.
Cravings: Random and short-lived. I had a strong one the other day (yesterday?), said to myself, "Ooo, that would be good," and in the next second, it was gone. That's probably a good thing for my weight! I won't talk about 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies I ordered today (!) or the pizza I crave tonight (mostly out of laziness because I'm tired and don't want to cook, and am guessing Paul feels the same).
Belly Button In or Out: In, although I noticed the other day it's getting shallower (and easier to contemplate!). It's not painful yet, because the top of my uterus is still only halfway between my pubic bone and belly button, but I recall some odd pains with the twins (when my ute had passed my navel).
Freak-out of the Week: There wasn't one in particular, but oh, my God, 14w1d was pretty danged terrible. As the clock edged toward 4:50 p.m. (the time at which Aliya's sac ruptured), I got more and more freaked out. I was even freaking out because Dr. M. was out of town, and I was convinced something was going to happen and I'd have no doctor anywhere near me (my MFM is 2 hours away). Thankfully, as the hours passed after 5:00 p.m., things got easier. Thursday, 14w2d (delivery day) wasn't too bad. Boy, was I exhausted over the weekend, though. All that anxiety does a number on the body. This week I've done fairly well (knocking on wood).
Thankfully, everything went well at my appointment on Monday (14w6d), so that helped. So does E2's movement.
Looking Forward To: Starting my weekly 17P shots next Tuesday (16 weeks). I know some of you might think I'm weird for looking forward to a weekly shot in the butt, but work with me.
Next Appointment: January 21st for another my next transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and (finally!) my full prenatal workup (bloodwork, measurements, pee-in-a-cup, blood pressure, etc.). Whee!
Miscellaneous: I got my first "Was this baby planned?" question and puzzled look tonight from the pharmacist as I dropped my 17P prescription off at the compounding pharmacy. The question was preceded by, "What is your data of birth?" and then "How old are you?" He wrote my age on the script and circled it. Yes, sir, I'm well aware I'm OLD. I know he meant well, and after I said, "Uh, yeah, IVF baby on board, years in the making," he replied, "Oh, it's just that most women who get this prescription are 25-26 years old." Really? It's prescribed for prevention of recurrent preterm labor, so, um, really?? I just have a hard time believing that...most of us BLMs are older than that. I don't know.
I leave you with photos...
*****
How Far Along: 15 weeks 3 days today. E2 is the size of an apple or a navel orange, take your pick. (Bigger than the apples in our house, though, since baby measured 8.91cm CRL= 3.5 inches at 14w6d. I guess I bought small apples!)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of Tuesday (15 weeks), I was up 4 lbs total.
Maternity Clothes: Danger, Will Robinson! The maternity pants are great. I could use one more pair. I'm in desperate need of tops, pronto! As of today, when I caught myself looking like a brick house in the work bathroom mirror and realized the button-up sweater I chose (and thought looked ok this morning) had to be retired effective this evening, I now have four tops I can wear to work that fit and flatter (sort of), and I work 5 days per week. Fatigue has kept me from aggressively pursuing maternity shopping...but if I must drag my butt an hour north to Tacoma to do it this weekend, I will do it...or die trying.
Movement: Many times per day. E2 seems to have one or two days of high activity, followed by a day or two of less activity. Last night, though, as I was trying to fall asleep on my left side (where baby is), I giggled out loud because holy crap, kid!
Sleep: So so. I seem to wake up more during trips to the bathroom (down to about 4 per night instead of 6), making it harder to fall back to sleep. Bummer.
Gender: I think we may wait until after the anatomy scan to reveal the sex here (and our pregnancy publically on FB, etc.)...so hang tight for Valentine's Day evening!
Symptoms: Tummy=bottomless pit; stuffy nose; no vomiting for the past 10 days, but the past two have required 2 Zofran per day and 3 Vitamin B-6s to control the nausea and prevent upchucking. Occasional searing ligament pains (the ones that stretch all the way across from one side to the other are becoming more prevalent...I couldn't get up out of my desk chair today at work until one passed). Very spotty short term memory. Sore boobs (I thought that was going away). I'm still waiting for that 2nd trimester glow...my skin still looks awful.
Cravings: Random and short-lived. I had a strong one the other day (yesterday?), said to myself, "Ooo, that would be good," and in the next second, it was gone. That's probably a good thing for my weight! I won't talk about 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies I ordered today (!) or the pizza I crave tonight (mostly out of laziness because I'm tired and don't want to cook, and am guessing Paul feels the same).
Belly Button In or Out: In, although I noticed the other day it's getting shallower (and easier to contemplate!). It's not painful yet, because the top of my uterus is still only halfway between my pubic bone and belly button, but I recall some odd pains with the twins (when my ute had passed my navel).
Freak-out of the Week: There wasn't one in particular, but oh, my God, 14w1d was pretty danged terrible. As the clock edged toward 4:50 p.m. (the time at which Aliya's sac ruptured), I got more and more freaked out. I was even freaking out because Dr. M. was out of town, and I was convinced something was going to happen and I'd have no doctor anywhere near me (my MFM is 2 hours away). Thankfully, as the hours passed after 5:00 p.m., things got easier. Thursday, 14w2d (delivery day) wasn't too bad. Boy, was I exhausted over the weekend, though. All that anxiety does a number on the body. This week I've done fairly well (knocking on wood).
Thankfully, everything went well at my appointment on Monday (14w6d), so that helped. So does E2's movement.
Looking Forward To: Starting my weekly 17P shots next Tuesday (16 weeks). I know some of you might think I'm weird for looking forward to a weekly shot in the butt, but work with me.
Next Appointment: January 21st for another my next transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and (finally!) my full prenatal workup (bloodwork, measurements, pee-in-a-cup, blood pressure, etc.). Whee!
Miscellaneous: I got my first "Was this baby planned?" question and puzzled look tonight from the pharmacist as I dropped my 17P prescription off at the compounding pharmacy. The question was preceded by, "What is your data of birth?" and then "How old are you?" He wrote my age on the script and circled it. Yes, sir, I'm well aware I'm OLD. I know he meant well, and after I said, "Uh, yeah, IVF baby on board, years in the making," he replied, "Oh, it's just that most women who get this prescription are 25-26 years old." Really? It's prescribed for prevention of recurrent preterm labor, so, um, really?? I just have a hard time believing that...most of us BLMs are older than that. I don't know.
I leave you with photos...
 |
| E2 at 14w6d (left arrow is pointing to baby's hand over the head, and the right arrow is pointing at baby's face/jaws. |
 |
| Belly at 15w. |
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The infamous 14 weeks
This week has haunted me, especially over the last several days. Thank God this pregnancy is at a completely different time of year, a cold, dreary season instead of the height of summer. I am grateful that it's now 2013, a new and different year, and equally grateful that we (somehow) made it through the holidays again.
*****
How Far Along: 14 weeks today. E2 is the size of a lemon...the same size Aliya and Bennett were.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: It would appear I'm starting the 2nd trimester up about 7 pounds. Not sure how the extra two happened in the course of a week, but there you have it. Oh, wait...stress eating. Of course.
Maternity Clothes: Full time maternity pants, except for my sweats and pj bottoms. I attempted to shop for maternity tops at the mall last weekend, and then was reminded why all of my maternity clothes last time came from Tacoma, an hour north. I have a couple of other places to try locally that I didn't try last time. I'd like to avoid setting foot in Motherhood Maternity at all costs.
Movement: Daily! E2 is moving quite a bit, tons yesterday during work and last night as we watched TV. I always feel the flutters and light popcorning movements in the same general spot, about 2.5 inches below and to the left of my belly button. In fact, I feel them right now. :)
Sleep: Decent, although I've had several bad, violent dreams in the last week. I chalk that up to stress.
Gender: We'll tell you eventually...just not yet.
Symptoms: Starving to nauseous, two days of vomiting (six times yesterday, the eve before the 2nd trimester, WTH??). Fatigue. Boobs are still a bit sore, but I know that will pass. My rosacea is so bad that Paul actually commented about it the other night. Nice. :|
Cravings: They come and go quickly. Right now I could really go for a grilled cheese sandwich on sourdough (one of my staples last time) with a side of Top Ramen (with hard boiled eggs and green onion), plus the mashed potatoes and sausage gravy at our local casino's buffet. Ok, maybe not all at once, but they all sound really good right now. Instead, I think I'll have a bowl of cereal to tide me over until Paul returns from work.
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: It was a week of emotion. I cry (or at least tear up) several times a day throughout the day as it is right now. Add to that: flashbacks from last year at this point, remembering what I was feeling/thinking in the days leading up to losing Aliya and Bennett; missing my babies so badly every day; dreading Thursday (14w2d, their delivery point); some stupid, thoughtless family drama that has thrown us both a major, upsetting curve ball; and alternatively feeling either like E2 will never come home with us (i.e. we won't make it past this week) or will. This really sucks...and it's a time of feeling very, very alone. Thank God for my fellow BLMs who have walked this path, and for my therapist.
Looking Forward To: Still 16 weeks, when we start "doing something" to save this pregnancy, and 28 weeks when we might finally be able to relax a little. Maybe.
Next Appointment: January 7th for another unofficial transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and transabdominal look at E2.
*****
How Far Along: 14 weeks today. E2 is the size of a lemon...the same size Aliya and Bennett were.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: It would appear I'm starting the 2nd trimester up about 7 pounds. Not sure how the extra two happened in the course of a week, but there you have it. Oh, wait...stress eating. Of course.
Maternity Clothes: Full time maternity pants, except for my sweats and pj bottoms. I attempted to shop for maternity tops at the mall last weekend, and then was reminded why all of my maternity clothes last time came from Tacoma, an hour north. I have a couple of other places to try locally that I didn't try last time. I'd like to avoid setting foot in Motherhood Maternity at all costs.
Movement: Daily! E2 is moving quite a bit, tons yesterday during work and last night as we watched TV. I always feel the flutters and light popcorning movements in the same general spot, about 2.5 inches below and to the left of my belly button. In fact, I feel them right now. :)
Sleep: Decent, although I've had several bad, violent dreams in the last week. I chalk that up to stress.
Gender: We'll tell you eventually...just not yet.
Symptoms: Starving to nauseous, two days of vomiting (six times yesterday, the eve before the 2nd trimester, WTH??). Fatigue. Boobs are still a bit sore, but I know that will pass. My rosacea is so bad that Paul actually commented about it the other night. Nice. :|
Cravings: They come and go quickly. Right now I could really go for a grilled cheese sandwich on sourdough (one of my staples last time) with a side of Top Ramen (with hard boiled eggs and green onion), plus the mashed potatoes and sausage gravy at our local casino's buffet. Ok, maybe not all at once, but they all sound really good right now. Instead, I think I'll have a bowl of cereal to tide me over until Paul returns from work.
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: It was a week of emotion. I cry (or at least tear up) several times a day throughout the day as it is right now. Add to that: flashbacks from last year at this point, remembering what I was feeling/thinking in the days leading up to losing Aliya and Bennett; missing my babies so badly every day; dreading Thursday (14w2d, their delivery point); some stupid, thoughtless family drama that has thrown us both a major, upsetting curve ball; and alternatively feeling either like E2 will never come home with us (i.e. we won't make it past this week) or will. This really sucks...and it's a time of feeling very, very alone. Thank God for my fellow BLMs who have walked this path, and for my therapist.
Looking Forward To: Still 16 weeks, when we start "doing something" to save this pregnancy, and 28 weeks when we might finally be able to relax a little. Maybe.
Next Appointment: January 7th for another unofficial transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and transabdominal look at E2.
 |
| 14w0d (today) |
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
13 weeks 1 day
How Far Along: 13 weeks 1 day today. E2 is (roughly) the
size of a peach (measuring large* the last two ultrasounds).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm rounding out the first trimester with a net gain of 5 pounds, including Christmas treats. Not too shabby.
Maternity Clothes: Full time maternity pants for the 1.5 weeks, but maternity tops look baggy, so I'm making due with my regular shirts and sweaters...with mixed success.
Movement: Yes! Moving and shaking. I felt a little movement several days ago...two "tap tap tap" sensations in one spot just as I was falling asleep one night. I've felt tiny flutters several times this afternoon in the same spot.
Sleep: Pretty good, although I'm not well rested. Still getting up 4-6 times per night to pee, plus getting up with the dog at least once per week (hate that!), plus crazy dreams (not always pregnancy related...the other night I dreamt I was driving a backhoe around a dirt school track, trying to catch up with Paul, who was helping pick up garbage or recycling by pushing a dumpster with our tractor as a garbage truck pulled it. Weird!)
Gender: Same secret as previous. :)
Symptoms: I've had another episode of vomiting right before bed, but just once. Other than that, I've had more non-woosy days than I have had nauseous days. It seems the crazier the day is, the less I feel sick. I really hope things are coming to a close.
Cravings: None, really. Oh, but my grandmother-in-law got me a $50 gift certificate to our favorite Portland, OR steakhouse for Christmas, so I have a feeling that craving will return soon!
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: No real freak-outs, per se. Lots and lots of tears, though. I miss my twins so badly (Christmas Day at our house was hard despite being so busy hosting the event), have some fears about this pregnancy, have raging pregnancy hormones, so yeah. Nice combo.
Looking Forward To: Sixteen weeks (less than 3 weeks to go!), when the official** cervical length ultrasounds begin, as do my hydroxyprogesterone shots. Then I'll feel like we're really doing something to keep me pregnant. After that? 28 weeks, our big goal: 80-90% viability.
Next Appointment: January 7th for another unofficial*** transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and transabdominal look at E2.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm rounding out the first trimester with a net gain of 5 pounds, including Christmas treats. Not too shabby.
Maternity Clothes: Full time maternity pants for the 1.5 weeks, but maternity tops look baggy, so I'm making due with my regular shirts and sweaters...with mixed success.
Movement: Yes! Moving and shaking. I felt a little movement several days ago...two "tap tap tap" sensations in one spot just as I was falling asleep one night. I've felt tiny flutters several times this afternoon in the same spot.
Sleep: Pretty good, although I'm not well rested. Still getting up 4-6 times per night to pee, plus getting up with the dog at least once per week (hate that!), plus crazy dreams (not always pregnancy related...the other night I dreamt I was driving a backhoe around a dirt school track, trying to catch up with Paul, who was helping pick up garbage or recycling by pushing a dumpster with our tractor as a garbage truck pulled it. Weird!)
Gender: Same secret as previous. :)
Symptoms: I've had another episode of vomiting right before bed, but just once. Other than that, I've had more non-woosy days than I have had nauseous days. It seems the crazier the day is, the less I feel sick. I really hope things are coming to a close.
Cravings: None, really. Oh, but my grandmother-in-law got me a $50 gift certificate to our favorite Portland, OR steakhouse for Christmas, so I have a feeling that craving will return soon!
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: No real freak-outs, per se. Lots and lots of tears, though. I miss my twins so badly (Christmas Day at our house was hard despite being so busy hosting the event), have some fears about this pregnancy, have raging pregnancy hormones, so yeah. Nice combo.
Looking Forward To: Sixteen weeks (less than 3 weeks to go!), when the official** cervical length ultrasounds begin, as do my hydroxyprogesterone shots. Then I'll feel like we're really doing something to keep me pregnant. After that? 28 weeks, our big goal: 80-90% viability.
Next Appointment: January 7th for another unofficial*** transvaginal cervical length ultrasound and transabdominal look at E2.
 |
| E2 during the NT scan at 12w2d, with a leg up and hand next to the face. If you look closely, you can see fingers! |
 |
| The belly, 13w1d (today). Please forgive my stupid baggy ass maternity jeans! |
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Lock down
Well, that was a nice run of allowing anyone in the world to comment on my blog posts without identifying themselves. Sorry folks. From here on out, you must identify yourself through a registered account (Google or otherwise) in order to comment on my writing.
After the two horrifyingly cruel comments left on my last post, this is an open space no more. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the commenter isn't the same asshole from the last time this happened...the messages were very much in the same vein. Obviously this person has never lost a baby in the second or third trimester. Believe you me, I'm not the one who needs perspective here. At all.
I have spared you, my darling fellow BLMs - and my family and close friends who read here, follow, and love Paul and me and our twins - from the hate in those posts. This month - and this season - have been hard enough on all of us. You certainly don't need someone else's poisonous comments to further degrade what little shreds of hope and love for fellow man you may have left. I know I don't.
And, for those of you who haven't been here long or have popped over from another forum, a reminder: this is my sacred space. Writing is one of the ways I process my grief. Besides having been diagnosed with postpartum depression six months after our loss, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, although I only found out in the last several weeks. I am discovering, unfortunately, new grief triggers all the time through my new pregnancy, and I write about those. If things I write don't strike a familiar chord, or don't resonate in some way, you are more than welcome to move on.
After the two horrifyingly cruel comments left on my last post, this is an open space no more. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the commenter isn't the same asshole from the last time this happened...the messages were very much in the same vein. Obviously this person has never lost a baby in the second or third trimester. Believe you me, I'm not the one who needs perspective here. At all.
I have spared you, my darling fellow BLMs - and my family and close friends who read here, follow, and love Paul and me and our twins - from the hate in those posts. This month - and this season - have been hard enough on all of us. You certainly don't need someone else's poisonous comments to further degrade what little shreds of hope and love for fellow man you may have left. I know I don't.
And, for those of you who haven't been here long or have popped over from another forum, a reminder: this is my sacred space. Writing is one of the ways I process my grief. Besides having been diagnosed with postpartum depression six months after our loss, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, although I only found out in the last several weeks. I am discovering, unfortunately, new grief triggers all the time through my new pregnancy, and I write about those. If things I write don't strike a familiar chord, or don't resonate in some way, you are more than welcome to move on.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
12 weeks
Time's moving right along. It's hard to believe. By this time with the twins, we were (for some reason) starting to feel a glimmer of hope. In fact, four days' gestation from now last time, we went to Babies R Us for the first - and last time - as expectant parents, and had fun looking at car seats and test driving strollers. Hard to believe.
In other news, I'm on pins and needles, awaiting news of the arrival of my twin babyloss mama buddy's rainbow IVF baby boy, Raz (nickname), sometime tonight! Alisa lost her twin son and daughter in October and her blog has been very wonderful to follow. She made it to nearly 38 weeks with a healthy pregnancy...which gives me so much hope!
*****
This update will be quick, because we have a pizza waiting to eat (I'm starving!) and NCIS to watch before bed. :)
How Far Along: 12 weeks today. E2 is now the size of a lime (about 2" crown to rump).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday, I was actually back down to a net gain of 3 lbs. Whew!
Maternity Clothes: I pulled out my (light) khaki maternity slacks, so now I've had two days of maternity pants for work in a row. Comfy!
Movement: Definitely, but I can't feel anything yet. We'll get a good show at the NT scan on Thursday.
Sleep: Same as previous.
Gender: Same secret as previous. :)
Symptoms: The morning/all day sickness hasn't been so bad this week. However, I caught Paul's cold, despite my smug belief that the 4,000 iU of Vitamin C I take daily made me immune. Damn.
Cravings: Pizza has been quite yummy. And I dig a nice, cold green salad, so long as I don't have to make it.
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: Not so bad this week, although I'm very quick to cry. I chalk that up to a mix of pregnancy hormones, Christmas grief and my raw feelings about last Friday's school shooting in Connecticut. The fact that a twin was lost - and what that will do to the surviving twin and his parents, so much more complicated than "regular" grief - pains me to no end.
Looking Forward To: Thursday's appointment extravaganza. We're meeting with a doula in the morning up in Tacoma, and then will head on to three appointments at UW: the NT scan (Paul's first look at our baby since the 6 week ultrasound), a meeting with the genetics counselor, and an appointment with my MFM.
Next Appointment: See above. The next one after that will be on Christmas Eve morning, bright and early, for the visual inspection of my cervix that I demanded Dr. M. perform.
In other news, I'm on pins and needles, awaiting news of the arrival of my twin babyloss mama buddy's rainbow IVF baby boy, Raz (nickname), sometime tonight! Alisa lost her twin son and daughter in October and her blog has been very wonderful to follow. She made it to nearly 38 weeks with a healthy pregnancy...which gives me so much hope!
*****
This update will be quick, because we have a pizza waiting to eat (I'm starving!) and NCIS to watch before bed. :)
How Far Along: 12 weeks today. E2 is now the size of a lime (about 2" crown to rump).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday, I was actually back down to a net gain of 3 lbs. Whew!
Maternity Clothes: I pulled out my (light) khaki maternity slacks, so now I've had two days of maternity pants for work in a row. Comfy!
Movement: Definitely, but I can't feel anything yet. We'll get a good show at the NT scan on Thursday.
Sleep: Same as previous.
Gender: Same secret as previous. :)
Symptoms: The morning/all day sickness hasn't been so bad this week. However, I caught Paul's cold, despite my smug belief that the 4,000 iU of Vitamin C I take daily made me immune. Damn.
Cravings: Pizza has been quite yummy. And I dig a nice, cold green salad, so long as I don't have to make it.
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: Not so bad this week, although I'm very quick to cry. I chalk that up to a mix of pregnancy hormones, Christmas grief and my raw feelings about last Friday's school shooting in Connecticut. The fact that a twin was lost - and what that will do to the surviving twin and his parents, so much more complicated than "regular" grief - pains me to no end.
Looking Forward To: Thursday's appointment extravaganza. We're meeting with a doula in the morning up in Tacoma, and then will head on to three appointments at UW: the NT scan (Paul's first look at our baby since the 6 week ultrasound), a meeting with the genetics counselor, and an appointment with my MFM.
Next Appointment: See above. The next one after that will be on Christmas Eve morning, bright and early, for the visual inspection of my cervix that I demanded Dr. M. perform.
 |
| The Belly - 12 weeks (in maternity pants). |
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
11 weeks
Look! A pregnancy update on the actual day my gestational calendar flips to a new week! *patting self on back* I figured I'd better pound this out now, before Paul is home and I find my place on the couch. Plus, I promised Molly I would. ;) (Hi, Molly!) It has been a most interesting week...
****
How Far Along: 11 weeks today. E2 is now the size of a fig. Last week's edible item was a grape, but pregnancy brain plays tricks on me. Also, I guess that's what I get for reading ahead in my books.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of today I'm actually back down to a net gain of 3.5 pounds. Much improvement. I think it's because my constipation is easing a teensy bit.
Maternity Clothes: No changes here. I wore those linty black maternity pants today. Holy hell, are they ever baggy in the ass! If I can get moving at a decent time on Saturday (very difficult for me lately), I would like to hit Old Navy, JC Penney and Kohl's, if necessary, to see if they have anything appealing. Mama needs some variety (and more pieces, at least for bottoms right now).
Movement: E2 is officially moving. While I can't see it, I saw it clearly during yesterday's ultrasound. I can't feel diddly squat yet.
Sleep: Same as previous.
Gender: Same secret as previous. :)
Symptoms: I've had a little more back pain (middle to lower) this week, and today I've had more ligament pains. I also get a pain on either side of my pubic bone from time to time, kind of a dull ache, that I think is also things stretching and moving around in there.
Cravings: Actually, none this week at all. I think satisfying the underlying Need for Portland Steak Dinner (see last week) quelled all other cravings - at least for now. Well, plus, my morning sickness has been ramping up, which makes choosing foods so unappetizing.
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: Uh, yeah. All of yesterday, and this morning on the way to work, Freak Out Central. I woke up yesterday feeling really off and emotional, so I stayed home. I had two medical appointments scheduled yesterday. I cried probably six times in the morning before I left, and was teary on the way to my ultrasound. I wasn't at all nervous about the OB appointment; Iwas am neurotic feeling fearful and mistrusting of my body (my cervix, specifically), and also really grieving the twins. A lot. My OB appointment was fine; E2 measured 11w1d (two days ahead) with a heart rate of 175 (perfect for this stage, although anxiety-inducing for me because the twins' heart rates never went below that, and in fact, as I've stated, showed signs of infection at 14w0d and evident infection at 14w1d, after Aliya's water broke). Dr. M., even though I have the NT scan to look for chromosomal disorders (other than the known) next week, took it upon himself to locate E2's nasal bone (hi, bone!), the lack of which is a soft marker for Downs Syndrome or other major trisomies, and also performed a quick NT measurement (normal). I was quickly reminded how much clearer transvaginal ultrasounds are then transabdominal...and have the E2=blob photo as evidence. I recorded the entire ultrasound on my iPhone so I could share it with Paul, since he's missed both this one and the last one.
I asked Dr. M. when he planned on looking at my cervix. He said at 16 weeks. I reworded my question: "When will you do a visual inspection of my cervix - not the cervical length ultrasounds that will start at 16 weeks - along with all the other regular prenatal bloodwork and stuff?" The answer was the same, 16 weeks. I'm sure my voice hit a higher octave indicative of my panic. :) I told him that given I've had to sweep Crinone (which I am no longer on, by the way) out of my vagina every morning with my finger, I've weeks of feeling my cervix, and I don't like the way it feels. It feels softer than I'd expect, a little bit open, and for the seventieth time, I think I feel a polyp or something around the opening! It SCARES me, given what happened last time. "Can I request a cervical exam?" Yes. I am now scheduled for a look-see of my cervix on Christmas Eve day. I hate that I felt like I had to fight to get this. I feel not listened to. Perhaps I'm truly just as unnecessarily anxious as he implied, but you know what? He didn't birth two dead babies. He also reminded me about the article he showed me last time, saying, "Remember, that study showed only a 5-6% chance of recurrence of preterm labor of a singleton after preterm labor of twins." I said, "Yes, and given that's actually higher than the chance I would have lost my twins to a second trimester miscarriage - WHICH I DID - that stat doesn't help me feel any better."
What I Miss: Feeling normal...whatever that is. Also, that feeling I could have that this might actually be a normal pregnancy. I won't probably believe it until E2 is here, alive and well, and can look back at (knocking on wood) a complication-free pregnancy.
Looking Forward To: Getting all the way through 14 weeks. Three weeks and six days to go. :|
Next Appointment: Thursday, December 20th for the nuchal translucency ultrasound, a follow-up with the genetics counselor, and a follow-up with Dr. C., my MFM, all at University of Washington. (I will be asking her opinion about this funky-cervix fear I have, and my second guessing of prophylactic cerclage versus the cervical-ultraound/wait-and-see approach.
****
How Far Along: 11 weeks today. E2 is now the size of a fig. Last week's edible item was a grape, but pregnancy brain plays tricks on me. Also, I guess that's what I get for reading ahead in my books.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of today I'm actually back down to a net gain of 3.5 pounds. Much improvement. I think it's because my constipation is easing a teensy bit.
Maternity Clothes: No changes here. I wore those linty black maternity pants today. Holy hell, are they ever baggy in the ass! If I can get moving at a decent time on Saturday (very difficult for me lately), I would like to hit Old Navy, JC Penney and Kohl's, if necessary, to see if they have anything appealing. Mama needs some variety (and more pieces, at least for bottoms right now).
Movement: E2 is officially moving. While I can't see it, I saw it clearly during yesterday's ultrasound. I can't feel diddly squat yet.
Sleep: Same as previous.
Gender: Same secret as previous. :)
Symptoms: I've had a little more back pain (middle to lower) this week, and today I've had more ligament pains. I also get a pain on either side of my pubic bone from time to time, kind of a dull ache, that I think is also things stretching and moving around in there.
Cravings: Actually, none this week at all. I think satisfying the underlying Need for Portland Steak Dinner (see last week) quelled all other cravings - at least for now. Well, plus, my morning sickness has been ramping up, which makes choosing foods so unappetizing.
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: Uh, yeah. All of yesterday, and this morning on the way to work, Freak Out Central. I woke up yesterday feeling really off and emotional, so I stayed home. I had two medical appointments scheduled yesterday. I cried probably six times in the morning before I left, and was teary on the way to my ultrasound. I wasn't at all nervous about the OB appointment; I
I asked Dr. M. when he planned on looking at my cervix. He said at 16 weeks. I reworded my question: "When will you do a visual inspection of my cervix - not the cervical length ultrasounds that will start at 16 weeks - along with all the other regular prenatal bloodwork and stuff?" The answer was the same, 16 weeks. I'm sure my voice hit a higher octave indicative of my panic. :) I told him that given I've had to sweep Crinone (which I am no longer on, by the way) out of my vagina every morning with my finger, I've weeks of feeling my cervix, and I don't like the way it feels. It feels softer than I'd expect, a little bit open, and for the seventieth time, I think I feel a polyp or something around the opening! It SCARES me, given what happened last time. "Can I request a cervical exam?" Yes. I am now scheduled for a look-see of my cervix on Christmas Eve day. I hate that I felt like I had to fight to get this. I feel not listened to. Perhaps I'm truly just as unnecessarily anxious as he implied, but you know what? He didn't birth two dead babies. He also reminded me about the article he showed me last time, saying, "Remember, that study showed only a 5-6% chance of recurrence of preterm labor of a singleton after preterm labor of twins." I said, "Yes, and given that's actually higher than the chance I would have lost my twins to a second trimester miscarriage - WHICH I DID - that stat doesn't help me feel any better."
What I Miss: Feeling normal...whatever that is. Also, that feeling I could have that this might actually be a normal pregnancy. I won't probably believe it until E2 is here, alive and well, and can look back at (knocking on wood) a complication-free pregnancy.
Looking Forward To: Getting all the way through 14 weeks. Three weeks and six days to go. :|
Next Appointment: Thursday, December 20th for the nuchal translucency ultrasound, a follow-up with the genetics counselor, and a follow-up with Dr. C., my MFM, all at University of Washington. (I will be asking her opinion about this funky-cervix fear I have, and my second guessing of prophylactic cerclage versus the cervical-ultraound/wait-and-see approach.
 |
| E2 at 10w6d. Blobby head is on the left, butt on the right. You can see an arm and a leg in this photo. |
Thursday, December 6, 2012
10 weeks 2 days
The timing of this week's post has been weighing on my mind. It hit me this week that this baby is due the same week - two days before - the 23-week anniversary of my water breaking and losing Aliya and Bennett. These weekly updates will only happen in an anniversary week six more times before baby comes...but if this first is any indication, they'll all be difficult.
***
How Far Along: 10 weeks 2 days. E2 is the size of a fig.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm up almost six pounds. I suppose I should slow down, huh? I feel like I'm making up for all the weight I didn't gain during my pregnancy with the twins. I'm currently back at my pre-twin-pregnancy weight...which is the same as I weighed when I delivered. That doesn't feel very good. :(
Maternity Clothes: I still have the same maternity clothes struggle, made worse this week when the slacks I had been wearing now kill across the middle, even unzipped and unbuttoned (and held up solely by my Bella Band). After talking with my counselor (who I continue to see weekly), we realized that my current belly is at just about the same size as it was at this point with the twins. That's insane...and I didn't expect it. It also turns out to be a PTSD trigger. (Why do I feel like I'm walking in a minefield?) But, as both Laura Jane and K (Addi'smom) commented in my last weekly update, I really do need to embrace the maternity wear. It's my reality, and I do need to be comfortable. Today I wore my black maternity pants to work (it took four sheets of lint roller to get all the post-laundry lint off, no joke!), coupled with a button down shirt I have that was just barely long enough to cover the panel all the way around. Needless to say, there was several wardrobe adjustments throughout my day. This is a situation I need to remedy, and soon.
Movement: E2 is now moving (and swallowing amniotic fluid!) in my belly, but is too small for me to feel anything yet.
Sleep: Still pretty good, still interrupted by many, many bathroom breaks. Last night I didn't take my Unisom with my Vitamin B-6, so found myself wide awake after a 12:30 a.m. bathroom trip. I folded and took half a Unisom and was out like a light. I slept pretty poorly with the twins, so I am relishing this sleep (plus I somehow feel so much more tired this time).
Gender: That's for us to know and you to find out (later)! :)
Symptoms: I'm struggling the last week with more breakthrough nausea than in previous weeks. I'm not sure why that is; I should be at the point now where my hCG has plateaued. My boobs also have been periodically really painful (like, they hurt when I sit still kind of thing, achy/sharp pains), but I know that's normal. I'm having more frequent rosacea breakouts/flare-ups lately, too, which I remember later in the first trimester last time. I look forward to gorgeous, glowing skin in the second trimester (that's what I got last time...a girl can hope!).
Cravings: The Portland steak dinner craving was satisfied last Saturday, and it was everything I dreamed of! I haven't had any real craving since, but I'm definitely eating well. (See: Total Weight gain/loss, above.)
Belly Button In or Out: Still in. It feels a bit like it's going in further. (See: Total Weight gain/loss, above.)
Freak-out of the Week: Actually...this week has been a little harder than previous weeks. Not only was the twins' anniversary looming, but I've just been more emotional in general. I go from anxious about next week's ultrasound (i.e. E2 will have died, you all know what I'm talking about, that fear) to feeling warm and fuzzy about the life within my belly. What I am a little disconcerted by is the push-pull of my varied medical team.
Case in point: My IVF REs at UW wanted me to stop the daily 8% Crinone gel (progesterone up the vag) at 10 weeks...which was Tuesday. I did as instructed. Also on Tuesday, I went in per Dr. M.'s request and had a progesterone/estradiol/Vitamin D (he's freaked that I'm on 5000 iU Vit. D daily per my naturopath). Normally, I hear back from him no later than overnight the evening of the blood draw. We went to bed at 8:00 last night and I hadn't heard anything, so I took 1/2 an Estrace (1 mg) per his earlier order (he's trying to wean me off of it) given I hadn't heard otherwise. I checked my phone this morning when I got up - still no message from Dr. M. I took my Estrace again. By mid-afternoon today, when I still hadn't heard anything, I excused myself from a meeting and called Sierra to find out my results. "All normal," she said. UM! Stay on the Estrace? What about the Crinone? She said stay on everything...and I've been 48 hours with no Crinone. Crap! She said it should be fine...and I know Dr. M. had me stay on the progesterone in oil shots until 11 weeks with the twins, so maybe that's his standard protocol...but it's not UW's standard protocol. Who do I listen to? I've decided to err on the side of caution and listen to Dr. M. (well, Sierra in this case, since I still haven't talked to Dr. M. myself). (See, and then my brain freaks and thinks, great, I'm going to lose E2 because I took myself off the progesterone sooner than I should have and my body can't do this and the placenta isn't making enough progesterone on its own yet and...you know, total and utter crazy train. Stop the insanity! I am not bleeding, I am not cramping, I have no reason to think anything is wrong and E2 won't have a perfectly normal heartbeat on Monday!)
What I Miss: My twins, and preparing for the holidays with two little people who would be busy exploring all the new stuff in their environment. And, my innocence.
Looking Forward To: Being done with this first trimester and past the 14-week mark. I know, I know, that's future tripping...but still.
Next Appointment: Monday, December 10th for an ultrasound at 10w6d.
I leave you with a belly shot comparison...same gestational age, two different pregnancies. There is a little bit of bloat in both, but you get the idea. Funny thing is, I was in complete denial just two or three days before the bottom picture that I was actually showing. HA!
***
How Far Along: 10 weeks 2 days. E2 is the size of a fig.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm up almost six pounds. I suppose I should slow down, huh? I feel like I'm making up for all the weight I didn't gain during my pregnancy with the twins. I'm currently back at my pre-twin-pregnancy weight...which is the same as I weighed when I delivered. That doesn't feel very good. :(
Maternity Clothes: I still have the same maternity clothes struggle, made worse this week when the slacks I had been wearing now kill across the middle, even unzipped and unbuttoned (and held up solely by my Bella Band). After talking with my counselor (who I continue to see weekly), we realized that my current belly is at just about the same size as it was at this point with the twins. That's insane...and I didn't expect it. It also turns out to be a PTSD trigger. (Why do I feel like I'm walking in a minefield?) But, as both Laura Jane and K (Addi'smom) commented in my last weekly update, I really do need to embrace the maternity wear. It's my reality, and I do need to be comfortable. Today I wore my black maternity pants to work (it took four sheets of lint roller to get all the post-laundry lint off, no joke!), coupled with a button down shirt I have that was just barely long enough to cover the panel all the way around. Needless to say, there was several wardrobe adjustments throughout my day. This is a situation I need to remedy, and soon.
Movement: E2 is now moving (and swallowing amniotic fluid!) in my belly, but is too small for me to feel anything yet.
Sleep: Still pretty good, still interrupted by many, many bathroom breaks. Last night I didn't take my Unisom with my Vitamin B-6, so found myself wide awake after a 12:30 a.m. bathroom trip. I folded and took half a Unisom and was out like a light. I slept pretty poorly with the twins, so I am relishing this sleep (plus I somehow feel so much more tired this time).
Gender: That's for us to know and you to find out (later)! :)
Symptoms: I'm struggling the last week with more breakthrough nausea than in previous weeks. I'm not sure why that is; I should be at the point now where my hCG has plateaued. My boobs also have been periodically really painful (like, they hurt when I sit still kind of thing, achy/sharp pains), but I know that's normal. I'm having more frequent rosacea breakouts/flare-ups lately, too, which I remember later in the first trimester last time. I look forward to gorgeous, glowing skin in the second trimester (that's what I got last time...a girl can hope!).
Cravings: The Portland steak dinner craving was satisfied last Saturday, and it was everything I dreamed of! I haven't had any real craving since, but I'm definitely eating well. (See: Total Weight gain/loss, above.)
Belly Button In or Out: Still in. It feels a bit like it's going in further. (See: Total Weight gain/loss, above.)
Freak-out of the Week: Actually...this week has been a little harder than previous weeks. Not only was the twins' anniversary looming, but I've just been more emotional in general. I go from anxious about next week's ultrasound (i.e. E2 will have died, you all know what I'm talking about, that fear) to feeling warm and fuzzy about the life within my belly. What I am a little disconcerted by is the push-pull of my varied medical team.
Case in point: My IVF REs at UW wanted me to stop the daily 8% Crinone gel (progesterone up the vag) at 10 weeks...which was Tuesday. I did as instructed. Also on Tuesday, I went in per Dr. M.'s request and had a progesterone/estradiol/Vitamin D (he's freaked that I'm on 5000 iU Vit. D daily per my naturopath). Normally, I hear back from him no later than overnight the evening of the blood draw. We went to bed at 8:00 last night and I hadn't heard anything, so I took 1/2 an Estrace (1 mg) per his earlier order (he's trying to wean me off of it) given I hadn't heard otherwise. I checked my phone this morning when I got up - still no message from Dr. M. I took my Estrace again. By mid-afternoon today, when I still hadn't heard anything, I excused myself from a meeting and called Sierra to find out my results. "All normal," she said. UM! Stay on the Estrace? What about the Crinone? She said stay on everything...and I've been 48 hours with no Crinone. Crap! She said it should be fine...and I know Dr. M. had me stay on the progesterone in oil shots until 11 weeks with the twins, so maybe that's his standard protocol...but it's not UW's standard protocol. Who do I listen to? I've decided to err on the side of caution and listen to Dr. M. (well, Sierra in this case, since I still haven't talked to Dr. M. myself). (See, and then my brain freaks and thinks, great, I'm going to lose E2 because I took myself off the progesterone sooner than I should have and my body can't do this and the placenta isn't making enough progesterone on its own yet and...you know, total and utter crazy train. Stop the insanity! I am not bleeding, I am not cramping, I have no reason to think anything is wrong and E2 won't have a perfectly normal heartbeat on Monday!)
What I Miss: My twins, and preparing for the holidays with two little people who would be busy exploring all the new stuff in their environment. And, my innocence.
Looking Forward To: Being done with this first trimester and past the 14-week mark. I know, I know, that's future tripping...but still.
Next Appointment: Monday, December 10th for an ultrasound at 10w6d.
I leave you with a belly shot comparison...same gestational age, two different pregnancies. There is a little bit of bloat in both, but you get the idea. Funny thing is, I was in complete denial just two or three days before the bottom picture that I was actually showing. HA!
 |
| Belly 2012 - 9w4d with E2 (and Bella Band ...that weird thing that looks like my belly button is the unbuttoned fly of my jeans) |
 |
| Belly 2011 - 9w4d with the twins. My belly was firmer then than now, but still... isn't the size uncanny? |
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
16 months
Today is sixteen months since Paul and I felt the incredible surge of immediate, unconditional love for our perfect, tiny children - the kind of love parents get to realize each time a child is born - at the same time as the soul-crushing, breath-taking sorrow that only those of us who have lost our children can ever experience. I can't believe this huge amount of time has passed. In the early months it felt like time was both creeping and speeding by, and looking back at the ride we've been on since, holy cow. How it it sixteen months already when I remember it like it was just yesterday? And how surreal it is that we are finally at that awkward, grateful, sad place of mourning what we've lost, what we can never have back, that sixteen months of parenting dead children instead of living ones, while also holding the fear and hope of carrying new life.
When we started trying to conceive again those four ART cycles after our loss (and the many natural in between), each time I'd think, "Yes, if we do conceive now, I will have to say that this child wouldn't exist if we hadn't lost the babies, because I'd still be pregnant", or "...I'd still be postpartum", or ..."there's no way we'd try again this soon".
In reality, we should have two nearly 11-month old babies at home. We would - if we'd decided that, yes, we did still want to try for a third - be talking now about trying again. I could be more fertile after a live birth...it happens. We could have a living sibling for a living Aliya and Bennett. But it wouldn't be this sibling, conceived through IVF (which we wouldn't be ready for, and probably couldn't afford with twins in daycare). Even if we had done IVF and ICSI and PGD, we may not have so easily come to the decision of going forward with this pregnancy, knowing this child may have some challenges.
Baby loss changes things. It changes everything. And though I may not cry every day now (got that, stupid pregnant hormones?!), I still miss what we've lost every day, and wish for what we should have now, and struggle with balancing that with what we are so blessed to have today, one day at a time. I will be a different mother, and Paul a different father, than we ever would have been had things not gone so horribly wrong. I only hope we will be better parents for it.
When we started trying to conceive again those four ART cycles after our loss (and the many natural in between), each time I'd think, "Yes, if we do conceive now, I will have to say that this child wouldn't exist if we hadn't lost the babies, because I'd still be pregnant", or "...I'd still be postpartum", or ..."there's no way we'd try again this soon".
In reality, we should have two nearly 11-month old babies at home. We would - if we'd decided that, yes, we did still want to try for a third - be talking now about trying again. I could be more fertile after a live birth...it happens. We could have a living sibling for a living Aliya and Bennett. But it wouldn't be this sibling, conceived through IVF (which we wouldn't be ready for, and probably couldn't afford with twins in daycare). Even if we had done IVF and ICSI and PGD, we may not have so easily come to the decision of going forward with this pregnancy, knowing this child may have some challenges.
Baby loss changes things. It changes everything. And though I may not cry every day now (got that, stupid pregnant hormones?!), I still miss what we've lost every day, and wish for what we should have now, and struggle with balancing that with what we are so blessed to have today, one day at a time. I will be a different mother, and Paul a different father, than we ever would have been had things not gone so horribly wrong. I only hope we will be better parents for it.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
9 weeks 2 days
Tardy again?! But of course! I was actually finding reasons tonight that I should procrastinate writing this now, but then I heard Paul's voicemail that he won't be home for another three hours, and suddenly my reasons started disintegrating. So...
How Far Along: 9 weeks 2 days (baby is the size of a grape)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Holding steady at 4 lbs gained so far.
Maternity Clothes: After suffering all day yesterday in a pair of khaki pants I wear every week (seriously, unbuttoned AND all the way unzipped and still miserable!), I retired those and reached for my black maternity slacks today. I quickly remembered why I didn't really like them...the fabric doesn't feel right and they catch every teensy speck of lint. I'll definitely have more maternity clothes shopping in my future, but I'm hoping I don't have to bust out the maternity pants more than once a week or so (just due to few business casual options that are comfortable now).
Movement: Not that I can feel, but E2 is busy forming muscles right now and should start moving involuntarily by the end of the week!
Sleep: Still pretty good, and still interrupted by 4-6 potty breaks during the night.
Baby's Sex: Not telling. :)
Symptoms: Oy. Nausea continues to break through periodically, worse in the evening if I'm up past my (early) bedtime. The constipation is still awful. I'll be adding a probiotic and digestive enzymes this weekend, and have been ordered to request a prescription for a compounded suppository called a (not even making this up!) "Bottom Rocket". Fun times.
Cravings: Sporadic and fleeting, but rather annoying. A full steak dinner from Saylors Country Kitchen, our favorite Portland, OR steakhouse (2 hours away!) comes up frequently and can't be satisfied until I don't know when. (Tragic.) Today on my way home, I suddenly craved a giant, fully loaded baked potato. Thankfully, fleeting. I was craving fish and we had a nice BBQ'd salmon dinner last night with broccoli and a rice/quinoa mix, so I'm good there. :)
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: None this week, so far. My first prenatal appointment turned out to be just an ultrasound...it felt very deja vu to my last pregnancy, where Dr. M. did ultrasounds every two weeks (7, 9 and 11; this time I had 6 weeks at UW, then this week at nearly 8w6d with Dr. M., and again in two weeks at 10w6d). I felt extremely well cared for. He's received a bunch of stuff from Dr. C. at UW and is on board with "the plan", and had even pulled a page out of one of his journals so he could show me a recent study that stated the chance of recurrence of preterm labor with a singleton after the preterm labor and loss of twins is "only" 5.8%, compared to 0.8% for "normal" people. (Then he said, "I know that's still too high, and we'll do everything we can to prevent it.")
What I Miss: I mentioned milestones last week, and yesterday I saw video proof...my friend's son, who should be two weeks younger than Aliya and Bennett, demonstrated his new take-two-steps ability - on camera. Ouch.
Looking Forward To: The end of my first trimester...approximately 3.5 weeks away. I'm hoping for an end to (or, at least, a recess from) the nausea (no more Zofran!), constipation (until later, anyway) and extreme fatigue. However, end of first trimester means that nasty 14w2d milestone is only 4 weeks from today.
Next Appointment: December 10th for another ultrasound with Dr. M.
I'll leave you with two pictures before I force myself to cook dinner. :)
How Far Along: 9 weeks 2 days (baby is the size of a grape)
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Holding steady at 4 lbs gained so far.
Maternity Clothes: After suffering all day yesterday in a pair of khaki pants I wear every week (seriously, unbuttoned AND all the way unzipped and still miserable!), I retired those and reached for my black maternity slacks today. I quickly remembered why I didn't really like them...the fabric doesn't feel right and they catch every teensy speck of lint. I'll definitely have more maternity clothes shopping in my future, but I'm hoping I don't have to bust out the maternity pants more than once a week or so (just due to few business casual options that are comfortable now).
Movement: Not that I can feel, but E2 is busy forming muscles right now and should start moving involuntarily by the end of the week!
Sleep: Still pretty good, and still interrupted by 4-6 potty breaks during the night.
Baby's Sex: Not telling. :)
Symptoms: Oy. Nausea continues to break through periodically, worse in the evening if I'm up past my (early) bedtime. The constipation is still awful. I'll be adding a probiotic and digestive enzymes this weekend, and have been ordered to request a prescription for a compounded suppository called a (not even making this up!) "Bottom Rocket". Fun times.
Cravings: Sporadic and fleeting, but rather annoying. A full steak dinner from Saylors Country Kitchen, our favorite Portland, OR steakhouse (2 hours away!) comes up frequently and can't be satisfied until I don't know when. (Tragic.) Today on my way home, I suddenly craved a giant, fully loaded baked potato. Thankfully, fleeting. I was craving fish and we had a nice BBQ'd salmon dinner last night with broccoli and a rice/quinoa mix, so I'm good there. :)
Belly Button In or Out: In.
Freak-out of the Week: None this week, so far. My first prenatal appointment turned out to be just an ultrasound...it felt very deja vu to my last pregnancy, where Dr. M. did ultrasounds every two weeks (7, 9 and 11; this time I had 6 weeks at UW, then this week at nearly 8w6d with Dr. M., and again in two weeks at 10w6d). I felt extremely well cared for. He's received a bunch of stuff from Dr. C. at UW and is on board with "the plan", and had even pulled a page out of one of his journals so he could show me a recent study that stated the chance of recurrence of preterm labor with a singleton after the preterm labor and loss of twins is "only" 5.8%, compared to 0.8% for "normal" people. (Then he said, "I know that's still too high, and we'll do everything we can to prevent it.")
What I Miss: I mentioned milestones last week, and yesterday I saw video proof...my friend's son, who should be two weeks younger than Aliya and Bennett, demonstrated his new take-two-steps ability - on camera. Ouch.
Looking Forward To: The end of my first trimester...approximately 3.5 weeks away. I'm hoping for an end to (or, at least, a recess from) the nausea (no more Zofran!), constipation (until later, anyway) and extreme fatigue. However, end of first trimester means that nasty 14w2d milestone is only 4 weeks from today.
Next Appointment: December 10th for another ultrasound with Dr. M.
I'll leave you with two pictures before I force myself to cook dinner. :)
 |
| E2 at 8w6d (measuring 8w4d). The heart rate was 186. |
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| This monstrosity is my chart at Dr. M.'s (turned inside out), all 2 years 4 months of it. Gads. |
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tears and decisions
Today was not what we had hoped. We should have known, I suppose, when the medical assistant, just before leaving the room (after checking my BP - 140/84), pushed a little box of tissues toward me and said, "These are for you guys." I immediately thought, "Oh, shit." Paul thought she meant they were for him, since his allergies had him sneezing his head off all morning.
Nope. This time, I was right.
All three of the Three Amigos are chromosomally abnormal. Dr. H's face said it all when she entered the room, when she touched my knee. There was one, though, she said, that she needed to talk to us about, but it would require us learning the sex, something we hadn't wanted to know. We agreed, all things considered.
But first...the abnormals. Embryo 1 was a very, very abnormal male, fatally so (several missing chromosomes, single copies of others, and possessing one sex chromosome in each of the two cells tested instead of two). Embryo 3 was an abnormal female...Downs Syndrome, which we would gratefully handle, but also two fatal monosomies (there were two chromosomes of which she had only one copy, not the required two). Neither of those two would result in implantation after transfer, so would result in, at best, BFNs (big fat negatives)...and at worst, could potentially implant and then cause miscarriage. Both embryos looked abnormal enough on Friday when they biopsied, based on how they were growing, that the embryologist sampled two cells from each rather than one.
And then there's Embryo 2. Embryo 2 has, with 75% certainty, a chromosomal abnormality that's actually fairly common and is not fatal. However, there is a likelihood of a variety of issues, including potential learning disabilities, growth/development issues and infertility. Not all patients with this abnormality have all of the symptoms, and many don't even know they have it at all until adulthood. But still.
Embryo 2 (and we do know both the sex of this little one and the disorder, but at this point, we're choosing to keep both largely under wraps) isn't likely to cause a miscarriage. However, this little one also wasn't developing quite quickly enough to warrant a transfer today. So, amidst our tears, we settled on going back up to Seattle tomorrow for another transfer appointment, at which we'll learn whether development has continued or arrested, and if it's continued, make the final decision whether or not to attempt pregnancy.
Obviously, this is so not the news we were hoping for. At the risk of sounding like I blame myself (and I really don't; I'm just not surprised), the abnormalities for both Embryo 2 and Embryo 3 are related to the quality of my eggs, which is directly related to my age. (Embryo 1 is so messed up that Dr. H. said those abnormalities are likely the result of a bad sperm/egg combo...but I'm certain my egg contributed there, too.)
This is such a difficult decision to have to make. *We* know that we will love and desperately want this baby, if we make it that far, but there are some little concerns about society at large, whether we're being selfish and would be making the right decision for this child should we have the opportunity to transfer the embryo tomorrow...it's just a lot.
Thank you all for your continued support, love and prayers. We feel it, truly, and are so grateful.
Nope. This time, I was right.
All three of the Three Amigos are chromosomally abnormal. Dr. H's face said it all when she entered the room, when she touched my knee. There was one, though, she said, that she needed to talk to us about, but it would require us learning the sex, something we hadn't wanted to know. We agreed, all things considered.
But first...the abnormals. Embryo 1 was a very, very abnormal male, fatally so (several missing chromosomes, single copies of others, and possessing one sex chromosome in each of the two cells tested instead of two). Embryo 3 was an abnormal female...Downs Syndrome, which we would gratefully handle, but also two fatal monosomies (there were two chromosomes of which she had only one copy, not the required two). Neither of those two would result in implantation after transfer, so would result in, at best, BFNs (big fat negatives)...and at worst, could potentially implant and then cause miscarriage. Both embryos looked abnormal enough on Friday when they biopsied, based on how they were growing, that the embryologist sampled two cells from each rather than one.
And then there's Embryo 2. Embryo 2 has, with 75% certainty, a chromosomal abnormality that's actually fairly common and is not fatal. However, there is a likelihood of a variety of issues, including potential learning disabilities, growth/development issues and infertility. Not all patients with this abnormality have all of the symptoms, and many don't even know they have it at all until adulthood. But still.
Embryo 2 (and we do know both the sex of this little one and the disorder, but at this point, we're choosing to keep both largely under wraps) isn't likely to cause a miscarriage. However, this little one also wasn't developing quite quickly enough to warrant a transfer today. So, amidst our tears, we settled on going back up to Seattle tomorrow for another transfer appointment, at which we'll learn whether development has continued or arrested, and if it's continued, make the final decision whether or not to attempt pregnancy.
Obviously, this is so not the news we were hoping for. At the risk of sounding like I blame myself (and I really don't; I'm just not surprised), the abnormalities for both Embryo 2 and Embryo 3 are related to the quality of my eggs, which is directly related to my age. (Embryo 1 is so messed up that Dr. H. said those abnormalities are likely the result of a bad sperm/egg combo...but I'm certain my egg contributed there, too.)
This is such a difficult decision to have to make. *We* know that we will love and desperately want this baby, if we make it that far, but there are some little concerns about society at large, whether we're being selfish and would be making the right decision for this child should we have the opportunity to transfer the embryo tomorrow...it's just a lot.
Thank you all for your continued support, love and prayers. We feel it, truly, and are so grateful.
 |
From Saltbox House |
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Angel whispers
A friend sent this to me in August, just before Aliya and Bennett's 1-year angelversary (birth/death/loss anniversary), and I thought I'd share it now. Thank you, S...love you!
Angel Whispers
Dear Mommy,
Before we said our first hello,
the time had already passed.
For when you held us in your arms,
We had gone to heaven to rest.
We felt angelic tears run down our cheeks,
and watched you as you wept.
We wish we could have changed it all,
Your tears touched our souls so deep.
But Mommy, when you are sad,
please be assured we know.
For death cannot take away your love,
it will only continue to grow.
Time and distance cannot erase,
a love and bond so deep.
There is no bond that can compare,
and in your heart we'll keep.
When you are feeling far away,
and missing us so much,
close your eyes and feel our wings,
their soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
we'll join you in a dream.
You will see us standing close to you,
and we'll be lost within our wings.
So dear Mommy,
as you go from day to day.
Find comfort in the knowledge,
We are never that far away.
--Author Unknown
Angel Whispers
Dear Mommy,
Before we said our first hello,
the time had already passed.
For when you held us in your arms,
We had gone to heaven to rest.
We felt angelic tears run down our cheeks,
and watched you as you wept.
We wish we could have changed it all,
Your tears touched our souls so deep.
But Mommy, when you are sad,
please be assured we know.
For death cannot take away your love,
it will only continue to grow.
Time and distance cannot erase,
a love and bond so deep.
There is no bond that can compare,
and in your heart we'll keep.
When you are feeling far away,
and missing us so much,
close your eyes and feel our wings,
their soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
we'll join you in a dream.
You will see us standing close to you,
and we'll be lost within our wings.
So dear Mommy,
as you go from day to day.
Find comfort in the knowledge,
We are never that far away.
--Author Unknown
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