Lock down

Well, that was a nice run of allowing anyone in the world to comment on my blog posts without identifying themselves. Sorry folks. From here on out, you must identify yourself through a registered account (Google or otherwise) in order to comment on my writing.

After the two horrifyingly cruel comments left on my last post, this is an open space no more. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the commenter isn't the same asshole from the last time this happened...the messages were very much in the same vein. Obviously this person has never lost a baby in the second or third trimester. Believe you me, I'm not the one who needs perspective here. At all.

I have spared you, my darling fellow BLMs - and my family and close friends who read here, follow, and love Paul and me and our twins - from the hate in those posts. This month - and this season - have been hard enough on all of us. You certainly don't need someone else's poisonous comments to further degrade what little shreds of hope and love for fellow man you may have left. I know I don't.

And, for those of you who haven't been here long or have popped over from another forum, a reminder: this is my sacred space. Writing is one of the ways I process my grief. Besides having been diagnosed with postpartum depression six months after our loss, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, although I only found out in the last several weeks. I am discovering, unfortunately, new grief triggers all the time through my new pregnancy, and I write about those. If things I write don't strike a familiar chord, or don't resonate in some way, you are more than welcome to move on.

Assumptions

My absolute loathing of En.famil and deep regret for ever having the nerve to let myself sign up for Motherhood Maternity's marketing ploys continue.

This was letter and accompanying survey was waiting for me in the mailbox when I got home today. All the questions on the legal sized, double-sided survey form assume the baby or babies are actually eating in some way, be it via breast or bottle, and if bottle, which formula did/do you use and for how long?

I'm livid that "they" (whoever they really are) blithely assume all babies live. Um, hi? Have you looked at statistics lately? Know anyone who's suffered a second trimester miscarriage or a stillbirth? What about those over-excited, over-assured women who rush out to buy maternity clothes in the first trimester and jubilantly sign up for these mailing lists because - OMG, I'm pregnant!!! - only to crash and burn due to an early miscarriage? Each and every one of us who signed up - feeling happy and hopeful - and who subsequently lost our babies receive crap like this...friendly reminders of what we lost by the company who had hoped we'd all get our babies hooked on their expensive manufactured breast milk substitutes.

I wish I knew someone in their marketing department. I'd really like to give them a piece of my mind right now. But since I don't, I'm mailing back my response...missed plurality and all. (It's in Sharpie, too. Wonder if they'll "get" my irritation.)

Into the light

I've decided to make this blog public once again. Things at work, though still chaotic and unsettled, are moving forward, and I feel like I'm safe to once again post without worrying who might see what. My old management team and all of my former co-workers are well aware of my story, and my new (even if temporary) management doesn't concern me. I have an official place to land; I start my new job on Tuesday morning and I'm excited about the shift that's been made in my career. I think it will be the start of even better things in that regard, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it plays out.
To those of you who had been following and who were locked out during the past month, sorry about that. I hope you understand...I had to protect myself during an exceptionally (and stupidly, given the rest of the load on my plate) stressful time period...a time when I should have been "only" dealing with trying to get through our first holiday season as babyloss parents, and preparing for these big due date milestones which were screaming toward us at lighting speed. I'm in the midst of those now...one has passed, one comes up this week, and the last will follow on February 1st. I can't wait to feel a bit of breathing room.

Thank you all for your continued support, encouragement and love...and to those of you in my babyloss community, for sharing your strength and experience...and hope. I cherish all of you so much more than you could ever know (except you probably DO know exactly what I mean, because you've been here!).

O Christmas Tree

I know my last post was incredibly, well, ugly. It's real and it's how I feel. But...I do love the lights and the smell of our Christmas tree, but mostly love some of the precious ornaments adorning it this year and for every year going forward.

Handmade ornaments from Auntie and Ron,
using my Great Grandma's sandbakkel tins.

Our (messy) tribute to our babies, made at the
TEARS Foundation holiday remembrance.

Beautiful antique-y glass hearts.
Thank you, Lena and Susan.

Loving tribute to my babies, from my friend
and former supervisor, Michelle.

Our tree, a partially groomed Noble fir we cut from
our neighbors' tree farm. Pretty and bittersweet.

Sorry for the sudden "darkness"...

Hi all,

If you're able to read this, it's because you're currently a follower of Our Tiny Angels (official or otherwise known to me) and I sent you an invitation. Thank you for accepting!

I do apologize for the very abrupt privatization of my blog and the fact that it will not send new posts to your feed reader while it's set to private. Now that it's incognito, I'm a bit more free to share that I received a letter notifying me that my (union-represented) position is being bumped by an employee with more seniority. I have a heap of footwork to do so that Human Resources can find a different job for me to bump into; my "stuff" is due Monday and my options will be revealed on the 29th. (Yeah, Merry Christmas!)

Meanwhile, I was directed me to check out a position coming vacant on Monday that might be a really great fit for me. However, realizing I would be having an "informational" interview with the hiring manager, I decided it would be prudent to hold my personal tragedy and current attempt to conceive tight to my vest for now. (Best not to reveal my continued need for occasional FMLA usage and deep desire to land myself on maternity leave - hopefully during 2012 - oh, and oopsie, potentially at least four weeks of prescribed bedrest, too...Will that be a problem? I can work from home... Ha!)

Anyway, I'm grateful you're still with me. I love the support I receive through sharing my thoughts and feelings. It really helps me to process this crazy life of mine. As soon as things settle down on the job front and I feel safe doing so - hopefully no later than mid-January, but preferably sooner than that - I'll delete THIS post and make my blog public once more.

By the way, I'm also changing the way I accept comments on posts, so I'm hoping this will encourage more of you to share your thoughts with me. No more pesky Captcha image or buggy Google login.

P.S. The timing of my blog darkness is interesting, given I'd been grappling with whether or not to share our current TTC outcomes publically. I had decided I would, for three reasons: it felt like the braver choice; I know how much hope and support I get from reading the journeys of other babyloss mamas in their first pregnancies after loss and hope I could provide the same to others; and, frankly, in the event we do get pregnant (fingers crossed), I wouldn't have to manage the inability of some folks in our lives to keep secrets (my hubby included, which was a HUGE bone of contention during our pregnancy with Aliya and Bennett). I find it rather ironic that the blog has gone private for totally different reasons in the middle of our current IUI cycle after I'd already decided to keep it public. The best laid plans...