I am currently sitting in my car, waiting while Paul gets a quick haircut at the shop of the little Asian barber he used when we lived in this city. I sit across the street from our old house, the 1910 Craftsman I bought as a single woman, one tiny room, tucked under the second story gable, where I planned to set up the nursery for the baby I'd planned to conceive -as a single woman - using IUI with donor sperm because I'd given up on finding love. The room had already been a nursery, painted in a beach theme with seagulls and beach balls and a puppy on its sand-colored walls.
Then I met Paul, we fell in love, married, remodeled the house and sold it, those nursery walls painted over with a sensible taupe.
Sitting here, waiting, always waiting, I am struck by how much everything has changed. Back then, life was pretty simple. Back then, we were eagerly trying to conceive our first child, unaware that 4.5 years later, where there was hope, there'd be heartbreak, no idea that infertility and babyloss were in our future.
So much has changed.
Oh yeah, looking back is bittersweet isn't it? I remember first getting married to my highschool sweetheart, never imagining we wouldn't be able to conceive the family we always dreamed we would have. Instead of the three kids I imagined, I have two in heaven and one I pray will make it to my arms every day. I guess I may end up with my three kids after all, just not in the way I hoped.
ReplyDeleteAnd so much has yet to change...years from now you will remember this exact moment in time that you lamented the changes in your life, and the loss and grief you feel.
ReplyDeleteI wish and hope that you will have your baby in your arms in the near future.
xx
I feel that way looking back at pictures, or when we talk about the people we were many years ago. I long to return to those happy, innocent people. ((hugs))
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