Thursday, May 17, 2012

Waving the white flag

I have, in the last hour, come to the realization that my depression is getting to the point where talk therapy and acupuncture may not be helpful enough anymore. The daily burden I carry in my heart and thoughts has me underwater more often than not lately. While I'm no stranger to antidepressants, having taken them for 7 solid years during my 20s, I never thought I'd have to consider them again.

This is not something I take lightly. A dear friend, who has known me since junior high school, expressed surprise when I admitted several months ago how much I struggled with being on antidepressants back then, how inept I felt. She said I handled that time in my life with grace, which couldn't be less how I saw myself then.

Now is no different. In fact, it's probably worse. But I have to face the fact that I mostly feel like *I* am getting worse. I know we've been warned to expect 18-24 months of hard grieving for the loss of our twins, but I can't fathom plodding along for another 9-15 months the way I am now.

A search of Dr. Google indicated at least two meds are safe to use during ART and pregnancy. My counselor had surgery and has been out, so I'll have to wait until next week to talk this through with her.

It doesn't make me happy to consider meds again, but a) not much does make me happy right now, and b) I know that, as a tool, meds can help. I need to do what I can to help myself.


  1. Amy, yes, you need to do what you can to help yourself. If that includes meds, then use them. It is not shameful and no one who cares about you will think less of you for them. ((HUGS)) out to you.

  2. There's absolutely no shame in a little pharmaceutical help. It took me years to finally get up the courage to go on anti-depressants, and I haven't looked back ever since. I'm currently on cym.balta and in consultation with by OB/GYN and shrink have gotten the OK to stay on them once I'm pregnant again. Your mental health is just as important as bringing a baby into this world. In fact, I would say its more important. You want your kids to have a happy mommy.
    Much love!

  3. You have to do what you have to do to get thru this. It's tough. I am keeping a close eye on whether or not I may need something now that the baby is here. Hang in there

  4. I have so much to say on this know that. I think, after almost 4 years on meds, I'm finally coming to terms with it. I hope you know that I think of you every single day, especially on Mother's day. Oh, to be back in the carefree days of Junior High, huh? Love you always and forever, my dear friend.

  5. Just do what you need to do hon. No one can understand the heartache and stress IF and loss can push on us. You need to take care of yourself and if that means meds, then you should explore that.


What are your thoughts?