Time warp: 19 weeks, and 18 months

First, my heart.

I cannot fathom that it's already been a year and a half since we met our babies. Tonight, on the anniversary of their deliveries in the same hospital, I was in the emergency room where we'd learned the fate of our babies, only this time visiting a family member (who will be fine!). I walked past the cubicle where we got our horrible news, the one where I'd laid in a puddle of amniotic fluid on my gurney for six hours previous, the one they returned us to after our final ultrasound.

Oddly, it felt ok to be in there again. Time, perhaps? Different reason?

I still do my fair share of crying, and I'm certain pregnancy hormones don't help in that endeavor, because not all of my tears are for my babies and the life I wish we had. (Even the Bud.weiser commercial during the Supre' (French!) Bowl got me this weekend.) But I am so very quick to cry, moreso than ever in my life...even more than in the early stages of grief. Things are getting better, for sure, partly because of the resources I've wrapped myself in the last 18 months. Without weekly therapy, without my beloved network of fellow babylost mamas, without our support groups...I don't know where I would be. Things over the last couple of months had gotten really hard, and they're getting better again. The waves of grief (not stages, that implies you go through once and are done) are longer, wide intervals in between the lows, and the lows don't last as long. I don't cringe every time I see or hear of multiples. My stomach doesn't drop at the thought of people around me conceiving. It's different...but it will never be the same, never what it was. I will never be the same.

Now, my new little love.


How Far Along: 19 weeks today. E2 is the size of an heirloom tomato (or a mango "dipped in greasy cheese", or vernix, quoted as per my What to Expect book). We grew a colossal Brandywine tomato this summer, so that comparison works for me (the tomato, not the greasy cheese-covered mango).

Total Weight Gain/Loss: As of yesterday (18w6d), I was up 8 lbs total.

Maternity Clothes: Yep.

Movement: E2 was kind of quiet most of the end of last week, which was disconcerting. Today, though, baby has been moving and shaking. I'm pretty sure I felt hiccups twice today (and last night, too).

Sleep: A mixed bag. I slept pretty well last night, which was great, but not so well the previous several nights. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with rib pain, so that doesn't help.

Gender: A week and two days, and all will be revealed!

Symptoms: Hungry. Lower back/rib/sacrum pain. BELLY. Still crappy skin. Two days of vomiting last week (and yesterday morning in the kitchen sink before I left for work = not awesome + still on Zofran). Tender boobs/nipples. Darker nipples and bigger boobs (according to Paul). :)

Cravings: None. What's up with that?

Belly Button In or Out: In, shallower, and a little achy.

Freak-out of the Week: Well...I woke up last Thursday morning with an undefined sense of dread. I ended up calling my OB's office and asking to be seen, just for peace of mind. They moved my appointment from yesterday to Thursday. All was well. My cervix grew apparently (?) and was 5.1 cm long. There was what appeared to be the start of a funnel, but Dr. M. wasn't concerned. You can bet I'll be looking at and asking about that next week (if not sooner due to another freak out). He also said - this is almost comical - I have a marginal placenta previa (um, I have always had a marginal placenta previa, except it was "resolved" last time, and he'd never called it a marginal previa, which it had been prior to "resolution"). WTH? I asked, "So, what, it moved back the wrong way since last week?!" Apparently the cervical os was at the bottom of that little "fluid pocket" (which looked like a tiny bit of funneling to my Google-trained eye), and the placenta was right to the edge of the top of the pocket, so ??? Wouldn't you know, I spotted (red) on Sunday morning for no good reason. I ended up laying very low the rest of the day, and it stopped. Me no likey. Also, even though Dr. M. had finally cleared us to have intercourse (for the first time since September), somehow we both felt a little uneasy about it so abstained. Good freaking thing. Until that sucker is good and moved away from my cervix, there will be no fun times for me. (Total aside: this was the first appointment from which I didn't leave with an ultrasound pic of E2. Travesty!)

Looking Forward To: The anatomy scan next Thursday (!) and gettting the announcement of our pregnancy behind us. Oh, and our doula appointment Friday night (it was supposed to be tonight, but we had to reschedule) - this one will occur over Thai food!

Next Appointment: Not until Thursday, February 14th. Eek!

Miscellaneous: Before I leave you with a belly shot, it was brought to my attention by two of my managers that I have apparently REALLY popped now. (I got both a, "WHOA!!," and a, "Wow, look at you!") Having looked at the picture below, I guess it's true. :)

The belly at 19w. I should probably stop wearing
my pre-pregnancy tees for these photos before I
ruin them forever. :)