Saturday, January 28, 2012

On anger

There's a party going on right now, and I'm not there. Why? Not because I chose not to be. Nope, it's because I wasn't invited. I should have been, but I wasn't. Someone was apparently too afraid to consult with me and chose instead to make a decision on my behalf.

I am livid. I am deeply, deeply hurt. And I am very insulted. I understand two people spoke up for me and requested I be consulted, and yet I was not. I am so angry that last night, when Paul asked with a scowl on his face, "I just don't understand why you're so upset, you wouldn't have gone anyway," I nearly caused a scene in a restaurant. This close. Swear to God.

No one in this world has the right to make decisions for me, unless I'm dying and unable to speak up for myself, in which case Paul alone is authorized. There is no other situation in this life where anyone else has any right. I am a grown woman, more capable of making my own thoughtful decisions than probably many others in my life, especially given the circumstances and the cards I've been dealt.

It's true...had I been invited, I would have chosen not to attend, but not at all for the reasons I'm sure have been presumed. Unbeknownst to this group, I'm sure, is the fact I've already attended one of these (you BLMs I'm sure know exactly what I'm referring to, because you've been here, too), and I chose to, and I was happy to have gone.

Nope. I wouldn't have gone today because I have already experienced how it feels to be in a group where I and the loss of my babies have clearly been gossiped about, and to people who clearly do not know me well enough to actually have my best interest in mind. I have been in the position of feeling like a spectacle...of feeling the looks of, "Oh, there's that poor dear who lost her babies. How sad. Tssk tssk" I go about my own business. I've seen those sideways glances. I even had one woman say, "Oh, Amy!........OH...Amy....", which clearly meant - no translation needed here, folks - "Oh my God...I heard about you." This comment wasn't even followed by, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or any other comment that would have been appropriate. It was just 100% inappropriate...and hurtful.

I'm not going to do that to myself ever again, and I am positive it would happen in spades in the particular group at today's party. This is why I have chosen not to participate in other occasions with this large group in the past nearly six months, and why I will continue to make that choice for myself as long as I need to. I don't care who might have hurt feeling about it, either. This is about me and my emotional health...and about showing appropriate honor and respect to me as a grieving mother and to my beloved children, Aliya and Bennett.


  1. Are you close enough to anyone who should have done the inviting to discuss this with them? To make it clear that you prefer having the choice left up to you and that you are competent to make the best decision and so don't need it made for you?

    If so, I think it would help not just you to express yourself, but them as well.

    Stick to your guns!

  2. Those who have not suffered the loss of a child can never understand, and in trying to understand - they imagine what they would feel and want. They say horrible things. They do horrible things. But truly, it is ofen born of love...clumsy, unthoughtful love.

    I love you, Amy. I am not afraid to ask you about your babies or to say how sorry I am. I can tell you that over time it gets better ... and how sad that is, too. But that is because I also remember my anger and disappointment at those who I expected to be most able to comfort me, to understand me... and were not.

    Today I know they did the best they knew how at the time, and when they know better, they do better.

    Said with love. ((hugs))


  3. I'm sorry Amy. I have been lucky enough SO FAR to have been given the option about attending certain events. I can imagine the internal struggle that others go through when thinking of inviting one of 'us', but they should ALWAYS give us the option. Even if they know the answer will be no, it's the thought of wanting us there and hoping that we might find it in is to attend. I always want to be invited so I can make that decision when it comes to me. No one should make it for us.

    I'm sorry this ended the way it did, but I would talk to the invitee if I were you. Just tell her that you understand why she didn't offer the invite, but that you would have appreciated the invitation anyway so you could have the option of coming or not. Tell her that it hurt your feelings. It will be hard, but it's better to let people know I think.

  4. This is total crap...I HATE when people make decisions for us and yes even our husbands! So sorry this was the case. I am with you, even if I choose not to go on my own that is MY decision to make. Ugh. People suck!

  5. I'm so sorry Amy, I know how much this hurts. I still struggle with specific groups of friends and it just comes down to them not being able to understand this hurt and pain. I agree with others, if you feel comfortable, tell them how you feel. While I did this with a friend and in a way it backfired that I didn't get the response I was looking for, which was just an apology, it allowed me to move forward and leave that friendship behind. I'm thinking of you and just know that all us BLM's out there get you and are here for you anytime. HUGS!

  6. Thanks, everyone, for your comments. It was a family matter, thereby complicating it greatly. :|


What are your thoughts?