There's a party going on right now, and I'm not there. Why? Not because I chose not to be. Nope, it's because I wasn't invited. I should have been, but I wasn't. Someone was apparently too afraid to consult with me and chose instead to make a decision on my behalf.
I am livid. I am deeply, deeply hurt. And I am very insulted. I understand two people spoke up for me and requested I be consulted, and yet I was not. I am so angry that last night, when Paul asked with a scowl on his face, "I just don't understand why you're so upset, you wouldn't have gone anyway," I nearly caused a scene in a restaurant. This close. Swear to God.
No one in this world has the right to make decisions for me, unless I'm dying and unable to speak up for myself, in which case Paul alone is authorized. There is no other situation in this life where anyone else has any right. I am a grown woman, more capable of making my own thoughtful decisions than probably many others in my life, especially given the circumstances and the cards I've been dealt.
It's true...had I been invited, I would have chosen not to attend, but not at all for the reasons I'm sure have been presumed. Unbeknownst to this group, I'm sure, is the fact I've already attended one of these (you BLMs I'm sure know exactly what I'm referring to, because you've been here, too), and I chose to, and I was happy to have gone.
Nope. I wouldn't have gone today because I have already experienced how it feels to be in a group where I and the loss of my babies have clearly been gossiped about, and to people who clearly do not know me well enough to actually have my best interest in mind. I have been in the position of feeling like a spectacle...of feeling the looks of, "Oh, there's that poor dear who lost her babies. How sad. Tssk tssk"...as I go about my own business. I've seen those sideways glances. I even had one woman say, "Oh, Amy!........OH...Amy....", which clearly meant - no translation needed here, folks - "Oh my God...I heard about you." This comment wasn't even followed by, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or any other comment that would have been appropriate. It was just 100% inappropriate...and hurtful.
I'm not going to do that to myself ever again, and I am positive it would happen in spades in the particular group at today's party. This is why I have chosen not to participate in other occasions with this large group in the past nearly six months, and why I will continue to make that choice for myself as long as I need to. I don't care who might have hurt feeling about it, either. This is about me and my emotional health...and about showing appropriate honor and respect to me as a grieving mother and to my beloved children, Aliya and Bennett.