Sunday, February 26, 2012


This past Wednesday I got to hold my dear friend's 3.5-week old baby for the first time. He is a perfect, precious, tiny little bundle. He felt so good in my arms. This little guy, as I've mentioned before, was conceived less than a week before Aliya and Bennett were, and, had my babies lived to be born when I wanted (January 18th, at 38 weeks) instead of way too early, would have been a week and a half younger than the twins. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was very surprised how natural and peaceful it felt. I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness or should-have-beens. Rather, I was able to stay in the moment and love every second of it!

This feels like huge progress for me, especially given our nephew, Finn, might arrive as early as the day after tomorrow, weeks before his due date, because of his mama's complications. If you had talked to me just a month ago, you would have probably heard a lot of anguish and fear in my voice around the impending arrival of baby Finn. What I've noticed in the last couple of weeks, though, is now that all my trigger dates have safely passed (at least for now...more will come soon enough), my emotions have mellowed a bit. The edge is gone. What felt like someone digging a knife into my very soul now only stings a little bit.

The edge was even slightly dulled at his baby shower. I really wanted to be there, but was filled with hesitation and a bit of worry for myself...just what was that experience going to feel like? I have to admit, it was really, really hard, but not for the reasons I would have expected. What hit me was a physical longing and sadness. The newborn girl I was warned about ahead of time was there. Part of me had hoped to ask to hold her, to get that out of my system, but in the end I never really got a chance, and that was ok. I tell you what, though, sitting across from that baby girl, seeing her physical size, and then holding Finn's newborn onesies in my hands as we passed the gifts around, that's what really hurt me. I could see, between my two hands, the size Bennett should have been. He should have been wearing a onesie like that, in my arms, at that baby shower. And Aliya should have been the size of that newborn girl. I cried all the way home, but was still glad I'd gone, happy to have been able to celebrate my sister-in-law's pregnancy and the baby we were praying for.

Paul and I plan to be in the waiting room with the rest of the family when Finn comes. This is a big deal, as any babyloss mama can recognize. We've made the very conscious decision to welcome Finn into our lives, and we're truly really excited to meet him. Paul has one niece, nearly old enough (well, technically old enough!) to be a mom herself. Finn will make me an Auntie for the very first time. I'm thrilled!

I can't say that when Finn makes his debut and the tears of joy come, as I'm certain they will for both of us, some of those tears won't be out of grief for what we've lost, for the babies we so desperately miss and wish were here, right now, a month or two older than their baby cousin. I don't think anyone would hold those tears against us.

I'm so grateful, though, to have already test-driven what it feels like to hold another beloved newborn in my arms, so that I can be sure of the love and pride and awe I will feel upon holding my nephew in my arms for the first time next week.


  1. Good for you. I haven't been so brave yet (and I'm 18 months out). I didn't meet my sister's baby who was due two and a half weeks after Hayes until she was eight months old. I held her then, but that is the youngest baby I've been around, with the exception of randoms at stores, etc. And I don't intend to practice holding another until after I hold one of my own. Just can't do it. But proud that you are!

  2. I love to hear this. You are growing stronger and I am glad you can feel it. I am trying to get to this exact place for when my next nephew comes in April. I am proud of you.

  3. Amy that is great! I know that has got to be so hard, to be excited for someone else yet so sad for yourself. That's amazing that you are doign so well with Finn coming. I'm sure some hard times will be ahead but good for you for being able to get through some tough moments. Love you!

  4. It's indeed a big deal, waiting for baby Finn when he arrives outside the delivery room. I wish baby Finn would turn out to be lucky for you and dh, and you guys get hat you desperately want

  5. You are so strong, Amy. I have friends with three boys, the youngest is 18 months. I have no real problems being around them most of the time. I'm sure passing some trigger dates and realizing that time didn't stop and the world didn't come to an end helped. I don't know yet how I am going to deal with certain dates in my life. the only thing I can do is celebrate them and be thankful for my angels that now watch over me and their daddy.

  6. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is huge in my experience. And I think it's great that you are exploring and thinking rather than not risking the encounters. The literal first time we took Chiron, our surviving twin, out with people, good friends were there with their daughter who was due a month and a half before them, but was actually born a month after. I purposefully, with intent, held them both together. It's still one of the best things I've ever done. And I knew it could be hard and I didn't know completely how I would handle it, but I am so glad I did it.

    SO many good thoughts to you and Paul as well as Finn and your whole family.

  7. Niko loves his aunt have no idea. And I do, too, for that matter. It meant so much for you to have lunch with us, and I love that we can both be so open with our thoughts and feelings...all of them.

    I need to visit you this week <3


  8. How great! You are so strong. Finn will be lucky to have you for an aunt.


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