Tears and decisions

Today was not what we had hoped. We should have known, I suppose, when the medical assistant, just before leaving the room (after checking my BP - 140/84), pushed a little box of tissues toward me and said, "These are for you guys." I immediately thought, "Oh, shit." Paul thought she meant they were for him, since his allergies had him sneezing his head off all morning.

Nope. This time, I was right.

All three of the Three Amigos are chromosomally abnormal. Dr. H's face said it all when she entered the room, when she touched my knee. There was one, though, she said, that she needed to talk to us about, but it would require us learning the sex, something we hadn't wanted to know. We agreed, all things considered.

But first...the abnormals. Embryo 1 was a very, very abnormal male, fatally so (several missing chromosomes, single copies of others, and possessing one sex chromosome in each of the two cells tested instead of two). Embryo 3 was an abnormal female...Downs Syndrome, which we would gratefully handle, but also two fatal monosomies (there were two chromosomes of which she had only one copy, not the required two). Neither of those two would result in implantation after transfer, so would result in, at best, BFNs (big fat negatives)...and at worst, could potentially implant and then cause miscarriage. Both embryos looked abnormal enough on Friday when they biopsied, based on how they were growing, that the embryologist sampled two cells from each rather than one.

And then there's Embryo 2. Embryo 2 has, with 75% certainty, a chromosomal abnormality that's actually fairly common and is not fatal. However, there is a likelihood of a variety of issues, including potential learning disabilities, growth/development issues and infertility. Not all patients with this abnormality have all of the symptoms, and many don't even know they have it at all until adulthood. But still.

Embryo 2  (and we do know both the sex of this little one and the disorder, but at this point, we're choosing to keep both largely under wraps) isn't likely to cause a miscarriage. However, this little one also wasn't developing quite quickly enough to warrant a transfer today. So, amidst our tears, we settled on going back up to Seattle tomorrow for another transfer appointment, at which we'll learn whether development has continued or arrested, and if it's continued, make the final decision whether or not to attempt pregnancy.

Obviously, this is so not the news we were hoping for. At the risk of sounding like I blame myself (and I really don't; I'm just not surprised), the abnormalities for both Embryo 2 and Embryo 3 are related to the quality of my eggs, which is directly related to my age. (Embryo 1 is so messed up that Dr. H. said those abnormalities are likely the result of a bad sperm/egg combo...but I'm certain my egg contributed there, too.)

This is such a difficult decision to have to make. *We* know that we will love and desperately want this baby, if we make it that far, but there are some little concerns about society at large, whether we're being selfish and would be making the right decision for this child should we have the opportunity to transfer the embryo tomorrow...it's just a lot.

Thank you all for your continued support, love and prayers. We feel it, truly, and are so grateful.

From Saltbox House