Sunday, October 14, 2012

Tears and decisions

Today was not what we had hoped. We should have known, I suppose, when the medical assistant, just before leaving the room (after checking my BP - 140/84), pushed a little box of tissues toward me and said, "These are for you guys." I immediately thought, "Oh, shit." Paul thought she meant they were for him, since his allergies had him sneezing his head off all morning.

Nope. This time, I was right.

All three of the Three Amigos are chromosomally abnormal. Dr. H's face said it all when she entered the room, when she touched my knee. There was one, though, she said, that she needed to talk to us about, but it would require us learning the sex, something we hadn't wanted to know. We agreed, all things considered.

But first...the abnormals. Embryo 1 was a very, very abnormal male, fatally so (several missing chromosomes, single copies of others, and possessing one sex chromosome in each of the two cells tested instead of two). Embryo 3 was an abnormal female...Downs Syndrome, which we would gratefully handle, but also two fatal monosomies (there were two chromosomes of which she had only one copy, not the required two). Neither of those two would result in implantation after transfer, so would result in, at best, BFNs (big fat negatives)...and at worst, could potentially implant and then cause miscarriage. Both embryos looked abnormal enough on Friday when they biopsied, based on how they were growing, that the embryologist sampled two cells from each rather than one.

And then there's Embryo 2. Embryo 2 has, with 75% certainty, a chromosomal abnormality that's actually fairly common and is not fatal. However, there is a likelihood of a variety of issues, including potential learning disabilities, growth/development issues and infertility. Not all patients with this abnormality have all of the symptoms, and many don't even know they have it at all until adulthood. But still.

Embryo 2  (and we do know both the sex of this little one and the disorder, but at this point, we're choosing to keep both largely under wraps) isn't likely to cause a miscarriage. However, this little one also wasn't developing quite quickly enough to warrant a transfer today. So, amidst our tears, we settled on going back up to Seattle tomorrow for another transfer appointment, at which we'll learn whether development has continued or arrested, and if it's continued, make the final decision whether or not to attempt pregnancy.

Obviously, this is so not the news we were hoping for. At the risk of sounding like I blame myself (and I really don't; I'm just not surprised), the abnormalities for both Embryo 2 and Embryo 3 are related to the quality of my eggs, which is directly related to my age. (Embryo 1 is so messed up that Dr. H. said those abnormalities are likely the result of a bad sperm/egg combo...but I'm certain my egg contributed there, too.)

This is such a difficult decision to have to make. *We* know that we will love and desperately want this baby, if we make it that far, but there are some little concerns about society at large, whether we're being selfish and would be making the right decision for this child should we have the opportunity to transfer the embryo tomorrow...it's just a lot.

Thank you all for your continued support, love and prayers. We feel it, truly, and are so grateful.

From Saltbox House

 





14 comments:

  1. I'm just so sad that this wasn't the news we were all hoping for. As far as E2 goes I know you guys will make whatever decision is right for you. Love you guys!

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  2. Sending you lots of hugs today. I'm so sorry this was the news you got and I will pray that you are able to come to a good decision about what to do with number 2.

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  3. (((Hugs))) I am sorry this was a difficult day and wish you the best with your decision making on embie #2. Thinking of you!

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  4. I'm sorry today didn't go as you had hoped. This information must be so difficult to process. Thinking of you guys.

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  5. I held my breath the entire time reading this blog. I am so so so very sorry. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now.
    I'm thinking of you guys right now and sending lots of love, prayers and hugs your way.

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  6. I'm so sorry about the difficult news that you received. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

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  7. I'm so sorry, I'll be thinking of you as you make this tough decision

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  8. Oh Amy. Such sadness. So many difficult decisions. A lot to bear for two people who have already borne more than most. I wish you both strength: to hold each other through this most recent challenge and find your way, whichever path you choose.

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  9. I'm sonsorry that the results aren't better. What a tough decision to make about E2.

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  10. Oh Amy...I don't have the words. I know how hopeful you were and was so hopeful for you. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this heartbreaking news. I can't imagine being in this place.

    I know the news on embies 1 & 3 must have you so sad and embie 2 is hard in another way. I know you will do what is right for you. Just think hard about what you are willing to go through...

    I pray that you can find the right path and just know that we are here to lend an ear and be here no matter what you choose.

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  11. What a difficult decision to make. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It doesn't seem fair at all. Sending hugs from faraway.

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  12. :( Wow. Oh shit is right. Very sorry to hear the bad news about the two, and I pray that you will feel content with whichever right decision (bc I don't think there is a wrong one in this case) for E2. Much love to you guys, and please let us know when you are up to it. Thoughts, prayers and love to you.

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  13. Oh Amy, this is definitely not the news we were all hoping for your little embies. What a difficult decision now for E2. Thinking of you:)

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  14. Amy, I agree with Molly. I don't think there is a wrong decision here, but I know that doesn't make deciding any easier. Thinking of you and your little embryos. Xoxo

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